Wow it's been hard for me to post this weekend because I don't really have much to say. I have accomplished nowt this weekend except a little video gaming, lying around in my undies (which are basically stolen pairs of my husband's boxers and a t-shirt lol!).
So I didn't die from over stuffing myself yesterday, hope you guys weren't worried about that. I felt like it though... but I didn't. My dreams have been very weird to me all weekend... but not worth discussing really.
Earlier, I was just sitting and thinking about the last ten years... that's all it takes 10 years. Ten years to turn from shiny, new, full of spirit into an old tattered fart. (To just look in the mirror and realize how old you can feel sometimes, and how old I guess I am [supposed to be]). It's not working though... my number continues to rise, but I don't feel like I am keeping up with it. I can't grow up, I still feel the same inside as I always did... and I sit and obsess over death and worry about my folks. Just realizing where I was 10 years ago, which right at this time then I was still getting over "Z", actually still in a terrible state over him, and trying to move forward. Then the short years following "Z" were the worst ever... I was so broken hearted, and my self-esteem was so low that I allowed myself to fall for the worst guy that ever lived (Chris).
As I've said before, Chris is that terrible chapter in my book of life that I wish I could rip out and forget, but it was written. It doesn't mean I can't skip over that part when I'm reading though. I guess we all have chapters that we wish we could write over or delete. Life doesn't work that way though. The future, and this very moment? Yes. But the past chapters are "read only"... and cannot be redone now.
More than just my horrible relationship with Chris, the past decade marks so many changes and pains within my family... my father's worsening condition, as well as my Mother's heartache and spiritual decline (not spiritual as in loss of religion, she still remains very religious I guess, I just mean that her spirit seems so much more weary now, and I always get the 'heavy' feeling when I talk to her that she's so tired, and at the end of her rope). It pains me. I don't know what to do, and I know it's not my place to really do anything to make a change in another person's life. But my nature is to wish I could soothe her and wish that I could make things all better. I want everything to feel good like before 1997 ended. I was still carefree and immature really, and had hopes and dreams and infatuation and just a sparkle that I think has since then lost its ember.
As I said, so many things have happened and changed drastically since 97, but I still sit here clinging to that hope that all is not lost and that we could all feel happy once again in the family. I've been smelling those phantom smells of youth again, the smell of smoke from fireplaces, and the sensations of electric youth and passion, but then I shake my head and wake up to a dreary afternoon and wonder if it was all just a dream.
[*Speaking of scents, I believe that I have become addicted to the smell of the Vick's vapo-rub I have been slathering my nose with during my time of sinus hell, and have since then been applying it "just because"... anyone else addicted to any particular scent or sensation?? ]
Well Jesus! So much for having nothing to say.