Deep In The Forrest

Warning: I was feeling quite melancholy tonight, I wrote this poem for my Daddy. Oh, I did it to myself. That's one of my gifts, heavy emotion, making myself all sad... but it's o.k., I don't mind. I would rather feel, and go through pain, and come out the other side shining than never to have loved, or felt, or been so loved at all. If you knew my family, and my friends you would sure know how lucky I am. That being said, and if you have dared to go this far, then read on. "Just Not Forever" (For Daddy - 8/29/27 - 1/14/09) I know what they say is true How things appear to be but all I really want is for you to come home sit across the table have a cup of coffee we'll share a laugh or two maybe we'll even argue but you'll be there and things will be right again This world is really messed up without you here to talk to, to tell my jokes to and to laugh with oh, without your shoulder to cry on when I'm sad when things go sliding from good down to ba...

I woke up feeling so groggy this morning. A day after if you will. I'm so tired. I Feel Like Singing... With your feet in the air and your head on the ground Try this trick and spin it, yeah Your head will collapse But there's nothing in it And you'll ask yourself Where is my mind? Way out in the water See it swimmin I was swimmin in the carribean Animals were hiding behind the rock Except the little fish But they told me, he swears Tryin to talk to me koi koy Where is my mind? You see, yesterday was my Dad's birthday. He would have been 82 years old. It was the first time in my entire life that we did not go home and celebrate Daddy's birthday. Daddy loved his birthdays and his Fathers Days... and every day that he got to spend "looting up" on gifts and enjoying time with the love of his life (Mom) and his children. We always looked forward to the same with them. My cousin Gary also shares a birthday with my Father... August 29th. There hav...

I want to forget everything that has happened the last days, weeks, months. Just get back to "normal". But I can't kid myself, that's not possible. The man who is so much a part of me, and who I am, what I act like, sometimes look like, well... he's gone. Spiritually, of course, he'll always be around. I could look at it as having one more to watch over me, and also that I know he is happier and feels better than he has in a long time. But I still can't help feeling cheated by having him actually gone, and nothing will ever be the same again. I nearly posted several times over the weekend, but I just couldn't seem to do it. I lacked the energy, inspiration, and maybe it was all more than I realized. I can't get all my thoughts together here, but I will probably be detailing more of my thoughts as of late along the way so bear with me. I'll still try to entertain if I can. :) The service went fine. It was the most "personable" one I th...

Ahh the good ol' days... where have they run off to? Every time I start trying to live in the moment and forget the past, I fall right back into melancholy nostalgia. Saturday has zoomed by, and I hate that. I wish Saturdays would last much longer than they do. Spending the night at Mom's last night to help with Dad, upon trying to get some things done around here since I have been home it's just nearly gone. Dad being home isn't making things much better, and it's not the happy event that it should have been. He is still miserable, talking some weird stuff, you know like trying to tell you something but he calls things very odd names, seems to be talking out of his head here and there. Then since he is still on "Honey Consistency" foods because of his poor swallowing (thank you elephant tranquilizer), he doesn't like anything that you bring him. He keeps asking for "Kool-aid", or "Fruit Juice". Then when you bring him something, l...

Well, "The Chick Magnet" rides again. Back into his own Barnyard he goes! How happy he will be. Yes, they're releasing Daddy this morning, and he is going home. That doesn't mean he's in the best of conditions of course. But he's strong enough and out of the water enough to go home where he is happy and comfortable. We all believe that he will thrive his best in his own surroundings where he is most happy. Yesterday they started him on "Honey Consistency" foods that he seemed to swallow best, which he will continue at home, and as he is stronger and more able, we can gradually have him back on normal foods. So good news, for now... and all I have discussed previously still stands. I know that everyone has an "exit time" and will have to eventually hit the trail and bid us "Adios", but for now, I am happy to have a chance to watch maybe just one more "M*A*S*H* Marathon" with my Daddy. Thanks again to everyone for their su...

Here's the latest "Daddy Update" just real quick, I won't go too detailed because I'm tired of talking it out more or less, but just wanted to give y'all a little run-down, and some thoughts. First off, I can't help but feel like we've been in a soap opera. As you run around the hospital, in and out of the cafeteria, people come by that you know. Just like "As The World Turns" or "Guiding Light" always seem to center around people meeting up with one another in the hospital somehow... Very odd. Seems one of my other classmates from High School had her father in on another floor for the exact same thing as my Dad. I found that odd. Then I saw my old crush Bob's Mom (Bob from my "Motorcycle Madness" story). He finally found Mrs. Right in the last few years, but then lost her to Breast Cancer. Irony huh. Another funny? Back when I saw him last he only had 1 daughter. His mom said he had 6 children (dodged that bullet I ...

These are the best parents in the world. Please have them in your thoughts right now... Just a quick note... Mom called early this morning to let me know she had to have Dad in their local hospital overnight with his fluid build up. He wasn't breathing easy, and still had all that swelling. They being the small local hospital wanted to send him up the highway to the larger hospital so a cardiologist could check him too... Seems it's basically "Congestive Heart Failure". So I just wanted to put that out there, and please everyone have him, and my Mom in your thoughts, and anyone who does pray or send healing vibes I would appreciate any of those type of thoughts. May be in and out, so I don't know exactly when I might post, but I will try to update when I can. Thanks everyone. AJ

Paul Simon is a great songwriter. I thought this was a very nice 'Father/Daughter' song... although someone else had created the video with various Father/Daughter photos, I still think it's very heartspoken. This is basically going to be "growing pains" week for me, for whatever reasons, and like I said I will share more actual feelings and words later. Right now, I just want to share this. I love both my parents very much, and I know I could not have been graced with any two in this entire universe any more wonderful... I am very lucky, and I am so thankful. Check out Paul Simon - "Father and Daughter" If you leap awake In the mirror of a bad dream And for a fraction of a second You cant remember where you are Just open your window And follow your memory upstream To the meadow in the mountain Where we counted every falling star I believe the light that shines on you Will shine on you forever And though I cant guarantee Theres nothing scary hiding unde...

"Some people are born to greatness, others have it thrust upon them... then there are those of us who have it both ways!" -Hawkeye Pierce (M*A*S*H). [Daddy has it both I think we'd all agree] It was on August 29, 1927 that the greatest father in the world was catapulted into this crazy world, head first. Funny way to describe it I guess, but true if you think about it. Then most of his life, he spent working hard to make ends meet, caring for family and being Daddy. My father, "Dad" (pronounced in the Southern U.S. "DAI-aad!!!") has been a friend, a disciplinarian, an entertainer and comedian, a caretaker and protector, a business manager at times (when we needed him to help us with our business, or keep us out of trouble), an ultimate giver of unlimited hugs and kisses, and an adviser, among so many other things. So many times in his life he'd wake up with make-up on his face, or Vicks Vap-O-Rub shoved up his nose, surrounded by all girls, always ...

Well it's true... I'm only "pretending" or "Frontin" like I'm Back. I have been really preoccupied by the issues with my car and with trying to support at work given those problems. I am in a rental car today, and truly hope to have my real car Back soon. I was going to cop out on the Tink's Weekly Words Challenge (WWC) , but I thought 'What the heck?' I may as well try. So I am not promising any greatness this week, and I still haven't gotten back to slide show status, but here are a few entries for this week's words, Front and Back . The "Front" of the Memphis Pyramid #1 North "Front" Street Look, Mom has some design on her "Back" J.J. The Rooster's "Back" This ornamental Butterfly has the same "Front" as it does "Back" Can you tell if this is "Front" or "Back" of the Trolley? ***** "I Need My Daddy!!!" So I must further a bit of ranting...

Dad's going home today so I am going to pick up Mom and take her back up to the hospital. We really appreciate all the positive thoughts, prayers and your concerns and kind words through the whole week. I only have the couple seconds to post this, so I have to be on my way. This is good news, and I'm glad he won't have to be there longer than he has... Once again... Thank you all, you Rock!!!

I don't have the time right this second to go back to each post and reply on all comments you guys have left me since my Dad has been in the hospital, but I will address you right here in post. The kindness, and thoughts that you've all shown truly amaze me. Just when I lose most of my faith in the Human Race as a whole, I am floored to know such wonderful big-hearted people. All of you have taken time to send me e-mails, leave me comments and also have me in your thoughts and prayers (where applicable), and I want you to know that it has meant the world to me and made all the difference to my family. You're the Whipped Cream at the top of my Starbucks White Chocolate Mocha... lol So, Wow! This has been quite a tiring week, and we've been wrapped up in our own little world being in and out of the I.C.U. with Daddy. Still, all the time I'm sorely aware that life goes on and our responsibilities don't just fade away because of our little wrinkle in time... I'v...

I won't be doing my Weekly Words Challenge today, I just got a call from my sister. My Dad fell this morning as he and Mom were going out for Breakfast and he's hit his head, and is being taken to the hospital. I'm not sure what's going on, but I doubt I'll be around... Will post when I can. AJ

The labor after Labor Day is probably the most bitter dose, especially when you've taken a vacation from the entire rat race for 5 days. I've not been around really throughout my days off, as I elected to take a break from reality, blogging and anything serious for the whole duration of my time off. I needed it, seriously. I'm not going to apologize then, for my absence at any of the blogs, and if I have missed anything important... I had to get away... I'm back. I will do my best to catch up to you all soon. Hopefully, everyone had a good weekend. Those of us who were celebrating Labor Day, I trust you enjoyed a nice time whether you were cooking out, taking a trip somewhere fun, or just hiding out, like myself. Dad's birthday cook-out went very well Friday night. My family seemed to enjoy being together, and most of us were in attendance... which is rare and nice. I got a good many photos from it, but looking back I still didn't get enough, but it was hard to ...

"My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it." ~Clarence B. Kelland ( American Writer) We have had some wonderful times with Daddy, he's made us laugh hysterically, he's hugged us when we had rough times, disciplined us when we did wrong, made us "pull his finger", scared us out of our wits in the dark, supported us and kissed our "boo boos" and made them all better, he's been there for us through it all. I can't imagine a Dad better than the one we were lucky enough to have in this lifetime. I also cannot believe that he turned 80 years old today... He wears it well, even though he's been through so much and endured it all, he has hung in there and we're so fortunate to have him here to share his "Big 8-0" So here is a tribute to: Jack Cutler... Daddy... "Gangster" "Prankster" "#1 Greatest Truck Driver" "Father" "Grandfather" ...

Happy Father's Day to everyone who's a "Dad". Remember, any man can be a Father, but it takes a very special man to be a "Daddy". :) Mine is top-notch, and I'm going to see him this weekend, so you guys have a safe and happy one--I'm going to sing him a song and give him a big Father's day hug... Everyone at least do something nice for your parents this weekend, if they are still with us--For those of you who's parents have moved on to the next level, don't feel bad... they're watching over you, and haven't gone far. They're in the breeze that's flowing through your hair, they're the butterflies that may light on you strangely. They're everywhere. :) Talk to you when I return.

Lately I'm still feeling a sort of "tightness" or anxiety towards the future. Not the regular way that you sweat about the future and wonder what's in store for you, and thinking about the bright future one might have. It's a much more 'morbid' fixation. Constantly, in the back of my mind I am anxious and worried about how much time I have left with my parents. I can't imagine what this world will be like when either one of them is gone. Although I know that I will still have people in my life on whom I can depend, the non trusting part of me is afraid that these two people (the only two people in the whole world that have yet to let me down) are the only two that I can truly rely on... I'm trying to deal with those thoughts, but sometimes it's easier said than done. I realize it is really terrible to worry about how much time is left, and it does take away from the enjoyment that we have right now "this very moment" as I have posted ...

Went home to visit Mom and Dad last night, which is something that always soothes my soul. This morning, I had about 4.5 cups of coffee (maybe 5) with her. Black Coffee , with no sugar, no creme no "anything" is the way my Mom has always had hers... I guess I get mine from her recipe and the fact that we always drank tea and coffee that way in my family. Enjoyed sitting with her and having a nice visit to our pot of hot java though... had spent the night there and just pretended to be a kid again. However, Mom asked Richie (Mr. J) if he wanted any breakfast, and she offered to make some biscuits. Now she makes no ordinary biscuits--they have always been a magic creation in our household. She takes great pride in the makings of these biscuits too... I've eaten them any wonderful way possible... Biscuits with brown gravy, biscuits with white gravy, biscuits with sausage, or jelly or honey or just biscuit and syrup... sometimes even just a delicious buttered-version of Mom...

I'm still sitting here brainwashing myself (or trying to) with the 'soothing sounds of Christmas'. I know what you're thinking, "Jackie, it shouldn't be that hard to get in the spirit." Ok, well maybe it shouldn't be. It is somehow. As hard as I try to continue with my childlike spirit and immaturity, I struggle in matters of Childish heart... If I listen to the music, all it does is remind me of my Mother and make me wish I was still at home, lying on the floor in the Livingroom under the brilliance of the Christmas tree lights, listening to Mom's Christmas albums on her old stereo, she had em all and they stayed on rotation, playing... as I said, she always has music playing. I could lie for hours staring at the lights, listening to the music (Rockin Around The Christmas Tree, O' Christmas Tree, Silent Night, Little Drummer Boy, Silver Bells... etc). The temperatures this week have been pretty cold too, so that is helping some. As I said yest...

Or maybe I should ask the question "What's Luck Got to do with US?", and by US, I mean My Dad, My sister (some of you know her as "Nana"), or me. Luck has nothing to do with US... not often. My Dad used to love this insane 'rednecky' show that came on t.v. called "Hee-Haw", and would always go around singing one of their main songs which quipped "If it weren't for bad luck, i'd have no luck at all..." I don't know if you can really call it bad luck, as I believe that everything happens for a reason, and that sometimes the supposed 'bad lucks' happen to deter us from even worse fates. So maybe we should refer to it as "Strange Luck", or just Uncanny episodes, which are what ensue anytime the three of us try to do things (mostly good things) [which is why I usually stick with evil hehe]. Nana and I were discussing this just today, when she told me of her latest episode, her 'dirty laundry' du jour, ...