Thursday, December 08, 2016

Whateva Will Be

There is a pretty significant gap between my last post and this one, which I didn't intend, but as usual it happens sometimes. I was looking at my last post, and trying to remember why I would even toss that sort of "quickie" lame type of thing up, but I was probably just trying to post and was pressed for time. Lame, lame, lame. ;-)

The time between that and now has not been the most pleasant,  I've had some issues and gone through a few things. No reason, honestly for me to detail all of that, I don't want to put every detail out to the m-asses, but just know I am working through it, looking forward to it being all better soon, and doing my best to "keep on keeping on"... after all, whateva will be, right?

Everything from the last few months has written home to me about how I truly need to press forward and utilize my talents more. This life is so short, and we waste so much of it catering to others' satisfaction and happiness, including but not limited to their "approval" of what we do and how we live our lives (usually this applies to family, especially in my case--and PLEASE DON'T COMMENT THAT YOU DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE THINKS, I KNOW THAT, I'M NOT ADDRESSING YOU, JUST SPEAKING IN GENERAL)--that was my Disclaimer thanks.

I know that it's a free country and everyone can comment what they please, but it really irritates me when I am just writing in general, making a point or just expressing my own thoughts and someone has to clarify that shit, "Not me, I've never cared what anyone thinks, I live my life the way I want" or something like that. Everything I write doesn't need a contradictory response, or a lesson in reply. Thanks.

So this morning, I'm not very busy and I just felt like typing a little bit, as I type fast, I really enjoy typing and it always seems to relax me. Writing, poetry, lyrics, stories, etc--that is one of my biggest loves along with my art and music, I really want to do more with it, and given the opportunity I am sure as hell going to try.

I've lived my entire life, thus far, taking care of everyone, staying near home out of guilt and worrying about disappointing my family. It is high time that I get some real joy and quality of life out of whatever I have left. Word... 100... enjoy your day.


Wednesday, August 31, 2016

I Put A Spell On You

What battery percentage is your phone on right now?:93%
Do any medical afflictions run in your family?:There has been some cancer and diabetes
Who did you last talk to in person and what did you say?:Told one of my best friends "Talk to you later."
What's your favourite Mexican dish?:Probably either Enchiladas or Arroz con Pollo
Have you ever been to a professional sports game?:Yes
How far do you live from New York City?:Lil over 1,000 miles
How often do you talk to your parents?:In spirit, all the time--They have passed on.
Do you prefer pads, tampons or something else?:Ewww nobody wants to hear that lol
What was the weather like in your town today?:It's very hot but a pretty day
Are there any phrases or words that you say a lot?:Yes
How many boyfriends or girlfriends have you ever had?:I don't know
Have you ever ordered a specially made cake from a cake shop?:No, well birthday cakes maybe from a grocery store bakery.
What was the last movie you saw and who did you watch it with?:By myself, I watched "Old School" last night.
What's the name of your first real boyfriend or girlfriend?:Lee
Do you clean your ears daily?:Yes
What accent do you have?:Southern
What scent of air freshener do you keep in your bathroom?:Rain or something like that
Have you ever dated a model?:No lol
What's the best job you've ever had?:Web designer
How about the worst?:Medical records clerk
Do you have naturally straight hair?:No it's wavy
What is your ultimate goal in life?:Survival
Have you ever visited someone in prison?:No
What months were you and your siblings born in? :February, June, July and December
Do you write down your passwords in a physical place to prevent losing them:Nope I have a mental system
What are your three favourite vegetables?:Broccoli, Cauliflower and Spinach
How many times a day do you check Facebook or any other social network?:Countless
When was the last time you had a blockednose?:Couple days ago after being out on my motorcycle.
Who is your favourite comedian?:I'm not sure
What colour are the socks you're wearing today?:None
What did you have for dinner last night?:Yogurt
What was the last concert you went to?:I think it was Rob Zombie
Are you an ugly crier?:Yeah
What scent is the soap or body wash you use in the shower?:I like Caress and/or Dial soap
Have you ever had sex in/on a vehicle?:Yes
Who do you live with?:Friend/Family
What letter does your street name begin with?:P
Do you do anything to groom your eyebrows?:Yes
When was the last time you ate at McDonald's?:Earlier this week, chicken biscuit
What's your favourite Popsicle flavour?:Grape
Who was the last person you sent a Facebook message to and what did you say:Jessica, and it was just talking about the holiday
Do you have any injuries at the moment?:Not really
Have you ever been to an ophthalmologist?:Yeah
Do you own any animal print clothes?:No
Are you tall, short or average? Would you change this?:I guess a little above average... I'd be taller if I could.
When was the last time you went to a drug store/pharmacy? :Walgreens is my place, sometimes I just shop there... idk, last week?
Do you ever binge-watch TV shows?:Yeah on Netflix or Hulu
Have you ever mustered up the courage to tell someone how you feel only...:Yes absolutely...
to be rejected?:Yes absolutely...
Do you keep your files and documents organised in one place?:I try
What's your favourite sweet treat to bake?:Chocolate Chip Cookies
Are you good at flirting and letting people know you're interested?:Somewhat
What did you have for breakfast today?:Chicken Croissant from BK
Do you prefer sweet or savoury breakfasts?:I like good ol' fashioned grits, pancakes or even just cereal
Do you like chick-flicks?:Yes
Have you ever taken an acting class?:No
What is your favourite kind of berry?:Blueberries
When was the last time you watched one of your favourite movies?:Last Night
How often do you use Youtube?:Daily sometimes
Do you prefer Prince or Michael Jackson?:Prince
What's the coolest thing you've ever dressed up as for Halloween?:The Devil
Are you ignoring anyone right now?:No
How do you usually style your hair?:Curly or turned up on ends if short...
Do you have any tattoos? Tell me about them.:Yes... don't feel like detailing.
Have you ever worked in a store while someone shoplifted there?:Yes I remember that happening at Walmart.
When was the last time you used a stove?:Over the weekend.
Is there anything you absolutely refuse to eat?:Yeah anything yucky.
Are you sitting, standing or laying (or something else) right now?:Sitting at desk
How many hours per week do you typically work?:40ish
What was the last pill or tablet you took?:Aspirin a few days ago
How far away from your house is the closest grocery store?:Less than 5 miles
Have you ever lived in university/college campus housing?:Yes
Who was the last person you complimented?:Myself
Are you the type of person to take naps, even if you've slept plenty?:Yes
Do you have a crush on anyone at the moment?:Nah
The age old question: dogs or cats?:Cats
When was the last time you saw your best friend?:This morning in the Mirror =)
Do you know any couples who resemble each other?:Idk
Have you ever been fired from a job? Why?:
Are you tired right now?:Yes
Do you like spring rolls?:Yes
What do you live on in terms of a street, road, crescent, place, court etc?:Street
How many purses or handbags do you own?:Idk
Do you get along with all your aunts and uncles?:Idk
Have you ever eavesdropped and heard something you didn't want to hear?:Yes
When was the last time you used a pen, pencil or marker?:Today
What's your favourite type of curry?:Chicken
Do you often go to do or say something and then just forget?:Sometimes
Who makes you laugh the hardest?:Idk
Have you ever had casual sex?:Yes
What was the last thing you paid for with cash?:Food yesterday
What's the last letter of your middle name?:N
If your phone rang right now from a number you don't know, would you answer:No
How long is your hair?:Medium
What was your first pet's name and how did you pick that?:Verfang is named after a WoW character, Dion is named after Dionysus
Do you drink diet or regular soda?:I avoid it most times, occasionally a little regular coca cola
Have you ever been to Europe?:Not yet
Do you worry about your own health?:Sometimes
Who did you last make plans with, and what plans did you make?:Hell I don't know
Can you smell anything right now?:Yes, my own deodorant
How old were you when you got your first cell phone?:Idk
When was the last time you bought a pair of shoes?:Idk a few months ago
Do you like fruit and vegetable combo juices?:Yes
Have you ever been on a spring break trip?:Yes
Would you rather be warmer or colder right now?:Colder
How tall are your highest heels?:5 or 6 inches I guess
What's your favourite flavour of frosting?:Chocolate
When did you wake up today?:4:30 a.m.
Do you change your appearance often?:Sometimes
What colour are the street signs in your town/suburb?:White blocks
Have you ever blocked someone on Facebook? Why?:Yes, because they were a weird creeper.
How many people do you work with?:I don't know
What was the last thing you ate?:Sandwich
Do you have any plans for three hours in the future?:I don't know
Has anyone ever made a comment about your weight that offended or upset you:Yeah of course

Thursday, July 14, 2016

I Thought The Future Would Be Cooler

The other day, I was lazing around in bed watching Netflix and happened across "Back to the Future" (Part II to be exact), and I was remembering the funny quirks in the movie, which is set in the 1980s, plot starting in 1985. Originally the characters Doc Brown and Marty McFly go back to 1955 to go do some damage control to save Marty's parents, and then in Part II we begin on October 26, 1985. 'Dr. Emmett Brown arrives in his flying time machine and persuades Marty McFly and his girlfriend, Jennifer, to come back to the future with him to help their future children. Biff Tannen witnesses their departure. They arrive on October 21, 2015, where Doc electronically knocks out Jennifer and leaves her asleep in an alley, explaining that she should not have too much knowledge of future events. He has Marty pose as his own son to refuse an offer to participate in a robbery with Biff's grandson, Griff.' Then even more trouble ensues. You can read all about it here at the Back to the Future II Wiki page (or just watch it).

So this got me thinking about the fact that they were in 1985, zoomed into "the future" of 2015 (30 years ahead of their time, and now last year for us here in the present). It kind of blew my mind... I went back and looked at the movie's 'vision' of what 2015 was going to be like, the technology, clothes, flying cars and gadgets. It was comical and also a little depressing.

Yes, I believe we could have totally had many of those things come to fruition by now, but I think that "they" realize that we humans would just screw up the coolness of it all. Somehow we would (in true human being fashion) find a way to ruin it for the whole universe. The hoverboards, the ones that we actually DO have do not actually levitate, but if they did I can only imagine the potential for disaster. Oh Man Just Think About This!.

A Flying Memphis? No thanks, I'll pass.
Hey I am from Memphis, so don't even get me started on the unthinkable prospect of giving all of these already brain dead numbskulls, who can't even properly operate a motorized vehicle on the asphalt, access to airspace and flying vehicles. The chaotic clusterfuck this would undoubtedly cause is something I don't think any of us are truly ready for. Let's just leave it to fantasy and the Jetsons or Extraterrestrials with the necessary higher intelligence... at least for now.

Also, all of our best music, memories and good times are in the past. Everything going on in the present is a tragedy, a heartbreak or disappointment. If I were even thinking of having children, I would be hard pressed to convince myself that bringing a child into the world that we live in today is a good idea, much less a humane thing to do. I know life must go on, and maybe someone somewhere will come through this world and make some legendary change that will help improve this ragged rock once again. I know the past isn't perfect either, but it seems to me like all of our world changers, legends and superheroes are back then and not now.

This may all seem like a lot of negative talk that many of you probably don't want to read or think about, but I am just expressing my feelings from the point of time and my own perspective. I don't expect everyone to share my lackluster visions of the present and future. I don't want it to fail, I want things to improve and I would love to see the world be good again (well, better than it ever has been to be honest). With everyone constantly in the throes of such hatred, animosity and divide, thoughtless, unkind, not able to look at the bigger picture and have a lust for the greater good for all humanity, I just don't see it happening any time soon.

"Come With Me!!" (Yes Sir!)
I make jokes a lot about hoping to be abducted by aliens (well in my mind they are sexy-hot aliens that look like Jason Momoa, Brad Pitt, Idris Elba, Anthony Mackie, Joe Manganiello, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson or some similar fine beings). The aliens in my fantasy have way cooler technology than we could ever think of, and they're awesome, so laid-back, they live in peace, harmony and unity. In my ultimate sexy idea of this, all they want to do is make music, make love, ride motorcycles and be happy. In light of all that, and as an interesting side-note, I had a kind of strange dream last night that I was sitting in a weird room awaiting some sort of alien invasion in which we were supposed to be taken somewhere (you know how vague dreams can be) so I don't know what that was all about, and I'm sure it wasn't about to be as cool as what I described above, so I was quite elated when my alarm clock went off this morning.

In conclusion, yes I know we have to just resolve to do our best with what we have right here, right now, learn to make the most of the small moments, and time spent with those we love. We must make those small gestures, tiny glints of happiness, the good things that we DO still have count for more than all the bad stuff. Maybe that is really all we can expect, and if we put enough stock into those little things that bring the occasional smile to our faces, we might then realize that it's like this: The man said to the Buddha, "I want Happiness." Buddha said, "First remove 'I', that's ego, then remove 'want', that's desire. See now you are left with only Happiness."

Nahhh "F" that shit, just bring me my time machine and let me get the hell out of here.


“Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy.” 
― Anne Frank


"I Thought The Future Would Be Cooler"

(by Yacht)
Crowdsourced cults, all lit up on LED: next thing you know, you’re sipping on a battery.

Infinitely scroll through a SWAT team on the sidewalk, serving death by remote control and unrestricted sidearms.

I thought the future would be cooler. I thought the brave world would be newer.

Loving comes easy (Nothing new) but liking it ain’t free. (Underneath the sun) We save our face in public (I can't save you) when we erase each other privately. (You’re already gone)

Got my broken heart—I got it sold right back to me—by an algorithmic social entity!

I thought the future would be cooler. I thought the brave world would be newer.

Looking for the edge of our unrendered world. I don’t know what we’ll find; Oh, here comes tomorrow!

I thought the future would be cooler. I thought the brave world would be newer.

Wednesday, July 06, 2016

Put Another Nickel In

Was feeling weirdly nostalgic on old "Mob Music", and well, music that is somewhat like that, stuff that I kind of always said I would play in my own "Cafe" if I ever had one. I dig this stuff from time-to-time, I get on my weird old 40s music kicks. Must have something to do with a former life lol. Well, it's not just 40s, but if you were sitting in my cafe right now having some coffee, listen, chill and relax... with Jax.

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

I Need A Cup Of Tea


I watch the beings of this world run around in these flimsy, fragile costumes we were each assigned with, and well, I often wonder why any of us have come here.

This place is scary, it is the stuff of horror movies and tragedy, where it feels most days like the only thing truly fictional about anything or everything here is its comedy (the amount that exists is minuscule). Things are only funny for a fleeting moment, we're dosed a spoonful of joy or laughter, just long enough to trick us into taking down full force the bitter medicine that follows.

If we truly chose to incarnate here, and take this as some sort of assignment, I really want to know why. I want to go back and see what the other options were, as they must have been unthinkable to have me choose something like this, it can only have been a last resort.

I woke up feeling this way, as my soul is just aching for the comforts of home.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Greetings from Sweet Sixteen

Dear Me Living in 2016,

 Felt some sort of an S.O.S. call, and it took me a minute to figure out which one of us was in need of our support. Turns out that it is you, so I hope this does not arrive to you too late. After realizing that our birthday was here (YESTERDAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ME!!), it all came to me. Yes, I know that you probably don't think that your 16 year old self could be of much wisdom or assistance in crises of 'adult affairs', but I think you will remember that our highest self is pretty much one in the same, so while I might not yet know everything I need to know, I guess I am being used to convey what is needed (don't shoot the messenger)!!!
(You love exclamation points, remember?)

Okay, so I wasn't told the exact circumstances or events or dates of things that have happened in your life. I haven't been told "TMI" ha-ha!! (Too Much Information) because of the affect it might have on me, but I was just told you needed a word from me as you are having a hard time.

I have wondered about you, the things you would do and experience through the years ahead. Are you married, do you have kids? I never thought of myself as a Mom, but I think that I probably do want to have kids at some point, when I meet the right guy. I wish things weren't so hard, like I have a crush on someone but I am always too scared to say or do anything about it. If you think back, I bet you remember who it is. Oh how I wish he would notice me (us) ha-ha!

Well, school is okay, I really don't fit in and don't have a lot of friends really, I mean I have Kathy and Shiree, my two best friends and we are in our own little group. Misfits of some sort. My friend Kim is also great. I enjoy band, for many reasons (smile). We ride around a lot, and hang out, sometimes at the "Tracks", where Kathy's boyfriend Joey and a lot of his friends get together on Fridays or Saturdays.

I don't really make the best grades, but I guess it's not that bad. Art class is my favorite, I really want to go to Memphis College of Art when I graduate. Anyway, nothing else really that interesting about school, and I'm sure you remember it all.

So I don't really know what to say to help, whatever you are going through, it worries me because I can't wait to be an adult and I can't wait to be free of people telling me what to do. Being grown up must be awesome! I guess everyone gets sad at times, but whatever is bothering you, don't worry about it too much. Remember, every time you ever stressed out about something, like a big test or a term paper, or some situation you thought you were going to die over, it always worked out and you felt like so much better after. I always like to play my piano when I am feeling sad, or if Mom and Dad will let me go to town and ride around in the car, I like to do that and listen to my favorite music. If you are still friends with Kim, Kathy or Shiree, or have some other friends, ask them to go to a movie or something. Go eat Pizza and listen to the jukebox like we always do, have some bread sticks (bread sticks or movie theater gummi bears can fix anything)!  :-)

Just a quick note about the birthday, I'm sure you remember the weenie roast Mom had for Sweet Sixteen. She built a fire out in the pasture and a few girls showed up, it was really fun. We got to roast marshmallows and make Smores, and those are so good. Kim also had a Sweet Sixteen party back in May, it was so cool, she had a "50's Theme" because you know she loves 50's music. We had a lot of fun. Supposedly turning 16 is some sort of big deal, but I really don't feel any different than I did at 15. Do you ever feel different as you grow up? I hope not. I want to be like Daddy, a big kid all my life. I hope you at least can do that.

Oh don't forget since it is summer, you can always go stay and hang out at Vickie's house, that never fails to make you feel better. Visit with "The Kids" =) Have fun, do something that you have been too scared to do or something new, being adult nobody can tell you not to. (Oh yeah but you probably have a job ha-ha!) I have still got to live by the rules right now, and sometimes I get really really mad at Mom and Dad, even though I love them.

Well I guess I better wrap this letter up, Shiree called and I have to call her back in a few. I think she wanted to do something tonight. Oh my gosh I am so glad it is summer, I'll be in 11th grade this fall. It seems like High School is forever, I can't wait to graduate and see the world! I hope I really do something that you (we) are proud of. I hope that you feel better, and I hope that whatever it is you are doing, and wherever you are that you are or get back to being truly happy.

Don't know if any of this helped, but just remember I am here when you need me, think of me and I'm right there in your heart. (I'm always so poetic and dramatic hahaha!!) Just BE happy... coz I sure want to. I'm counting on you to remember who we are. Also, deep down I truly know that everything is going to be alright.

Gotta go for now. LYLAS (Love Ya Like a SELF-since you're me you can't be a Sister) :-)

Hope the message gets to you in time for our birthday!
xoxo
Jackie, 16

Monday, June 20, 2016

Air of December

Moving forward, looking to the future with positive thoughts, yet "living in the present", you know, staying in the NOW, that's all people preach. Don't get stuck in your past, it can only hold you back and keep you from living your life and achieving success... blab blab blab. I mean, there is truth to the fact that we need to always "live in the moment" because it is all we have in the palm of our hand, and of course have some aspirations of future dreams to work for as we do so. However, PISH POSH to the idea that reveling in our wonderful memories and keeping them close, thinking of them anytime we need to feel those feelings and remind ourselves of a thing because we need it badly, I don't think that is a bad thing, and I won't apologize for it.

Do you ever panic, though, for just a quick moment while trying to remember something... something they said, a joke they told, or some significant piece if information that they shared once in a distant conversation over coffee quite a long time ago? Because you need to hear it right this second, and they were the only soul that knew this piece of intel, you didn't save it or write it down and you need to ask them so badly, "What was that again?" Only they are not there to ask, and you are left with the knowledge that you can never hear it again. So unless you suddenly and magically remember it, or you happen to hear whatever it was later in life or in an alternate universe somewhere, it is lost forever.

I've done this with my Father's jokes, and important stories about his life, and my Mother's recipes or her little known facts about people about town or members of the family. I've done it with little home remedies Mom shared, that worked only for me and because only she could breath life into them giving them the magical properties that they had that healed me. Sometimes it isn't necessary information at all, sometimes it is just something you need to hear and only their voice will do, and it is lost to this world. It is such a strange feeling, that voided-out home-place at times in your life when you most need to go there, you start driving south and remember suddenly that it no longer exists except in your mind.

Oh yes our memories comfort us, and in having nothing but those memories left at times, I won't condemn any of us for sneaking through the cracks and hiding inside them for a while. Sometimes that is the only place that I feel safe.

These memories are not just loved ones who have passed on to the next chapter, if you will, but also recollections of lost loves and dead heartstrings, yes we miss those too and may need to visit once in a while, to that time when they burned and sang brightly.

I know you think me a foolish girl, one who refuses to mature ("Oh Grow Up!!") and live life like the serious dying vessel that everybody thinks we gotta 'come to terms with' at some point in our lives. Though we have those days where we may feel tired, run down and like our bodies are dying, I'm just not that serious dying vessel. Responsibilities and taking care of things that we bring into our lives, the things we feel we cannot live this life without give us enough serious work. I prefer to spend the rest of my time in my happy place, my comfortable alternate universe that I have fixed up for myself. A foolish girl, I am not, but one who lives in her fantasy world and is plenty happy there, maybe that is me... Who are you to judge what works for me? Nobody, I am sure you have enough work on your own.

I don't mind letting you in on a few of my idiosyncrasies here and there though, that is why you are here... to take a stroll through my "Forrest" (yes, that's right misspelled on purpose because I just wanted it that way).

Now, here is a tribute to someone who makes me feel cold and unwanted at times, and I need to work on this area of my life but in the meantime, Edie can speak for me.



"I remember you
Put a chill across my face
Like the air of December
I swear I remember it that way
I swear I remember it
Where are you now?"

Sunday, June 19, 2016

A Letter To My Parents, Long Gone

Dear Mom and Dad,

For some reason, when I decided to write you this letter, I stupidly went looking around the internet for ideas on what to write. It was interesting, as I found a couple of nice articles that gave me a little inspiration. However, I thought to myself, "Why on earth are you looking for an idea on what to write to your parents from someone else's mind? You're the talented, magical one. Your words and your heart are all you need to write anything." Then I agreed with myself, ate some gummi bears, basically nullifying my healthy salad that I had for lunch, and decided to go ahead and dig in, just as if I were there at the kitchen table with you both sitting there. The smell of smoke still permeates the air of that kitchen in my memory, no offense (but all offense would be taken) as I can't even put a number on the thousands of cigarettes that were smoked in that house over the years that it belonged to our family. All of the games of Dominoes you played with Aunts and Uncles and your few close friends over coffee. Me, hanging around like an 8 year old adult, since I was always around you guys with rarely any other kids to play with. I guess I was probably very irritating at times.

Anyway, Today is Father's Day, and as you probably know from observing all of us from wherever your window seat sits nowadays, we don't do so well on holidays anymore. These were the days we knew would always be spent having dinner with you at your house, bringing you things to put a smile on your face and now they are days (at least for me) spent in some sort of void, doing things that I would do on any other day, yet still thinking of you and wishing you were here.

When you left, I told you I would be okay because you raised a strong woman. You did, and I am. As hard as some of these days get, as much as I sometimes want to break so badly, and don't know what I am going to do I hang on to the strength and the love that you both showed at all times, that quality that you taught and passed down to us. I know that life is what we make it, and as Dad wrote in one of those cards I found in some old graduation stuff, "...there will be good times, and bad times... but overall, the good mostly outweighs the bad." *I don't have that right in front of me, and I somehow know I am getting the wording wrong, but that was the basic jist of what he said, thought his words were more eloquent than mine. I have to go and dig that out, as I need to see his handwriting.

Somehow in my spirit, I know you are together and everything is perfect for you, back together as you always wanted, and nobody and nothing (not man, not disease) can take that from you now. It is a comfort to me, even though I am lonely here without you to have coffee with, and to call on the phone when I need to hear the kindest voices in the world, or to come and get a hug from when the world has just been that sour and the only thing that can make anything better is being with your Mom and Dad.

Yes, don't worry I am as strong as I promised you I would be. I just can't help that some days are too hard to get by without tears. I am then accused of weakness, depression, insanity and of being over-emotional and annoying. In fact, for me tears are necessary as I am made of water anyway, and sometimes we water creatures overflow and have to balance ourselves out.

Water, people really do misunderstand us a lot sometimes, we appear so soft and giving, we comfort, we cleanse, we shimmer and shine no matter how much garbage people throw at us. However, we are adaptable, we flow around our obstacles, we can overtake and drown, and over time, through our patient persistence, and at times our apparent doggedness in certain situations, we 'tap away' at a thing until it is transformed or destroyed, whichever comes first.

So you see, I will be fine, seriously. People just mistake my kindness for weakness at times, and sometimes I put myself through way more than I should, and I give myself way less than I deserve, but I am trying... I haven't given up.

I think of you both every day, and I love you more than ever... I just needed to talk to you, and the best thing I could think was to write you a letter.

I know you'll receive it, wherever you are right now.

I'll be seeing you,

Your youngest daughter, Jax

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Father's Day, I Celebrate, I Lament


Some Dads are Grumpy
Some superheroes don't have capes, they are called "Dad".  Hello, my name is Jax. I'm a real woman, one who gets mad when other women run down good men, good Dads, and try to play down Father's Day, or claim it as "Single Moms Who Had to Act As Fathers" Day. In fact, Moms get praise and attention way more often than just Mother's Day, but Fathers rarely get their well-deserved praise, sometimes not even on Father's Day. Sorry, but I know way too many extraordinary DADS (including the one I was blessed with, and I'll get to that in a minute, I digress). So NO LADIES, that won't quite cut the mustard with me. Mothers get their very own holiday, and you can wax poetic about your struggles as a single mom on YOUR day (even though we give you mad props, in all honesty, bless you all). Plus we praise our Moms pretty much every day anyway.

{Sidenote: I'm honestly seeing and hearing of a lot more "deadbeat moms" these days than I am "deadbeat dads", step your game up girls, the guys are doing the damn thing.}

Don't misunderstand, I am not saying our Mothers don't deserve their praise, they do, they are the rocks that hold us together and give us inner strength and love. Mothers ARE LOVE. So I am not taking away anything deserved by our Moms. I just want to focus in on the Dads for a minute, because to ME, they are often UNSUNG HEROES, so ride with me here for a few miles, mmmkay?

Father's Day is a designated time for us to recognize fathers, grandfathers and father figures who have positively influenced our lives. I honestly resent all commercialized holidays as a whole because they are nothing more than marketing propaganda,  a breeding ground for hateful begrudging thoughts. One more excuse for people to get mad because they feel "forced" to buy something special for someone on a specific day, when it means much more in my opinion just to think about them on a day when they are just there, not expecting some gesture of appreciation and love (just like with Valentine's Day psssshtt). I'm just one of those women who loves Truth, Honesty and REAL GENUINE love and gestures of the heart. You can't market that. You can keep all the rest.

The early days, My eldest Sister perched between Mom and Dad who are holding
'us kids', my nieces and me (the little cowpoke with the jersey on)
Nevertheless, it's still as good a day as any to spotlight what I still like to refer to as "Real Fathers, Real Men", or better yet "AWESOME DADS!!" by blood or just bond. Oh my GOD I am not even playing around when I say that I know some seriously amazing MEN (DADS) who earn a status just underneath my very own (who's currently pranking the likes of Heaven as we speak, rest in peace would be a joke there, he is too mischievous and hilarious for that). Nope, I can't put anyone above my own Dad because, obviously he was the best, but these men are not far behind and that is truly saying something in my book. I could name them (and I will if you/they want), but they'd be embarrassed most likely, but they know who they are because I am very vocal in my praise for those men.

What I will say is that I stand in amazement at times at the strength, heart and the love of these guys. Some of them haven't had the best relationships with their own fathers, some didn't start out with the best women as partners, or support but they are proving that any shackle can be broken, any struggle defeated, and they're giving these kids what they never had, and teaching love and respect like champs. They share such a bond with their kids, or nieces/nephews and other family that they act as a father figure to, that it makes me pine so badly for just one more day with my own Dad. There is no getting over the loss of a parent, or loved one, it's just a void that we learn to live with and find other things to get us through life as we know it. That's the truth. These children are so smart, talented and are growing up into strong, kind and amazing individuals that anyone would be so proud of. There is not enough room in this blog for the praise I really want to express to you Dads, you don't even understand how precious and priceless you are.

Now for a little blurb about the history of Father's Day, and a little notation about my own Dad, who I wish could still be here with us now, shaking us down for the well-deserved "LOOT" that we most certainly knew not to walk into the house without, lest we risk extreme shaming and silent treatment for not gifting his obviously praiseworthy excellence.

History of Father's Day Father's Day: Started in the early 20th century in the United States to celebrate fatherhood and to complement Mother's Day. It was first celebrated on June 19, 1910 in Spokane, Washington at the YMCA by Sonora Smart Dodd. She heard about Mother's Day in 1909 and told her pastor she thought fathers should have a similar holiday. Her father raised six children as a single parent. The local clergymen agreed to the idea and the first Father's Day sermon was given on June 19, 1910.
Yes, my Dad was a cape-less Superhero...one hilarious dude, and one of the best cooks, caretakers, friends, disciplinarians, #1 Fans, and Hardest Workers I ever knew. Though I have no memory of him ever shedding a tear, those calloused workman's hands and broad shoulders would, in times of need, turn into a soft haven, a comfort and his giant ears were ready to listen... You just better have a good reason for being sad or needing such comfort, otherwise you were wasting time and he would be forced to "give you something to cry about".

The funniest fact I can share about him in regard to any holiday that demanded someone other than him receiving any gifts, was that you had better not arrive to the function without also a gift for him in tow. So you see, it did not matter if it was my Mother's birthday, or Mother's Day, or anything else, you had to ensure that in giving her gifts, and making sure that her day was special, that you did not leave him out. He was funny that way, and we still laugh about his love of "looting up", as well as his hamming it up for the camera. As camera shy as I myself am (with the exception of my self-portraits), my father was always ready for a snapshot, and was a self-confident and strong admirer of himself, often staring into a mirror and citing, "Lord you handsome devil you!!" followed by noises of disbelief that he could be so perfect and good looking.


Fortunately for my Dad, a long time ago he ran across a woman who was in complete agreement about how wonderful and handsome he was, and she never minded him dimming her spotlight on any holiday, she would gladly stand by and laugh softly when he received gifts on her days, as of course she was never treated with any less love and appreciation. Yes we celebrated those designated holidays, but also celebrated our regular days. Our family was always taught the importance of every day love and appreciation, and life is too short to allow anybody to wonder what they mean in our lives. We never know how many days, weeks or just hours that we have left with someone so I do not need a special day to let you know that you absolutely are appreciated, and you most certainly own acreage in my heart (It's more than big enough to house those who have earned a place there). I'm going to let you know that even on a Wednesday, June 15th at 2:00 in the afternoon, or on Saturday at 3:00 AM if it occurs to me to do so.

Because that is ME... that's who I am, and I get it from my MAMA and my DADDY, both who deserve their very own national holiday, but who were both just as happy if they never had even one. Because they raised me to be selfless, strong and full of love. That is why I want to share with you fathers (by blood or by bond), this Father's day my love and appreciation for who you are, what you do, and all the positive influence you bring to this world, REAL FATHERS, DADS, MEN by just being you: Today, this Sunday and everyday.

Ladies, you keep doing your thing too, you know you're appreciated every day, but watch yourselves, keep it together and take a page of their book because these real men ain't playin around, they are really bringing their A-Game, and you bout to get left behind! ;-)


Now a Little Father's Day Fun

CLICK TO SEE: Best and Worst Animal Dads



***Now, Go ahead and cry a little*** -->

Dear Deborah,

Words do not come easily for so many men. We are taught to be strong, to provide, to put away our emotions. A father can work his way through his days and never see that his years are going by. If I could go back in time, I would say some things to that young father as he holds, somewhat uncertainly, his daughter for the very first time. These are the things I would say:

When you hear the first whimper in the night, go to the nursery leaving your wife sleeping. Rock in a chair, walk the floor, sing a lullaby so that she will know a man can be gentle.

When Mother is away for the evening, come home from work, do the babysitting. Learn to cook a hotdog or a pot of spaghetti, so that your daughter will know a man can serve another's needs.

When she performs in school plays or dances in recitals, arrive early, sit in the front seat, devote your full attention. Clap the loudest, so that she will know a man can have eyes only for her.

When she asks for a tree house, don't just build it, but build it with her. Sit high among the branches and talk about clouds, and caterpillars, and leaves. Ask her about her dreams and wait for her answers, so that she will know a man can listen.

When you pass by her door as she dresses for a date, tell her she is beautiful. Take her on a date yourself. Open doors, buy flowers, look her in the eye, so that she will know a man can respect her.

When she moves away from home, send a card, write a note, call on the phone. If something reminds you of her, take a minute to tell her, so that she will know a man can think of her even when she is away.

Tell her you love her, so that she will know a man can say the words.

If you hurt her, apologize, so that she will know a man can admit that he's wrong.

These seem like such small things, such a fraction of time in the course of two lives. But a thread does not require much space. It can be too fine for the eye to see, yet, it is the very thing that binds, that takes pieces and laces them into a whole.

Without it, there are tatters.

It is never too late for a man to learn to stitch, to begin mending.

These are the things I would tell that young father, if I could.

A daughter grows up quickly. There isn't time to waste.





I love you,
Dad
” 
― Lisa WingateDandelion Summer

Monday, June 13, 2016

Knock It Off

Ha, here's a quickie for ya today, and I'm sure a lot of you will appreciate that... I had some sudden onset of Strep Throat (this is unofficial and self-diagnosed actually, and since I've only had it once, I did the best I could to analyze this and self-medicate).  It seems like it was a roaring success though, I have been taking the liquid Thera-Flu that covered fever-reducing and pain relief, as well as cough and sore throat... I didn't really have any nasal issues with this except just a little sinus as usual. I gargled with Hot Salt Water, and took Raw honey. In the interest of quick recovery so I could get back to work, I went ahead and refilled the prescription for the Zithromycin (Z-pack) Antibiotic. I was going to let myself get over it naturally, but I didn't want to miss any more work than necessary. I am just getting back to the grind you know.

Therefore, I'll write more later, just wanted to give a quick update.

This and the same ole frustrations of daily life are about all I have to report today. No image, just not feeling it, and no song to go with it either lol... take what you get from me and be happy about it today.  Now, off with ya.

Thursday, June 02, 2016

Gravity

I'm struggling, daily. I am unhappy with my choices and my situations, my attitude, my health, and myself. Nobody has to lecture me, I get it. This is all my responsibility and something I can control. That's why I am so mad at myself right now, because I CAN control this, but I don't. I have allowed myself to get apathetic and lazy, then get upset because my life isn't what I want it to be. I should be treating myself like I treat the partners I have had in my life, but instead, I spend my time treating others like I want to be treated, and rarely getting that in return.

So, yes I am struggling.

I have allowed everything that I have gone through in the last few years, not really to break me but damage the hell out of me enough to make me treat myself like I don't matter, to ruin my life.

After a phone conversation with one of my closest friends this morning, I started thinking about all of this stuff... how there are really no excuses for bad nutrition, lack of exercise and getting things done that are good for my life. 

Gravity (like the lyrics below) may pull us down, but it also keeps us grounded, we can fight it and do anything we need to do. Yes it works against us as Life seems to, but I have always believed it was our effort and attitude that pushed it along or held us back, even though it is easy to get a bad attitude about things. I can't tell you how much inspirational books, audio, etc (positive crap lol) that I have read and listened to, trying to motivate myself for a better attitude, quality of life and 'law of attraction" of being flooded with abundance and all that jazz.

 "Gravity is working against me And gravity wants to bring me down. Oh, I'll never known what makes this man. With all the love that his heart can stand Dream of ways to throw it all away Whoa, gravity is working against me And gravity wants to bring me down Oh, twice as much ain't twice as good. And can't sustain like one half could. It's wanting more that's gonna send me to my knees...Just keep me where the light is." 
(Taken from "Gravity" by John Mayer--not a big fan of his, but these lyrics have a good message)
Anyways, blah blah blah, right? Get up and do something about it... yes, I'm working on it. Where does one find one's... what it it called?? Muse. 

Gotta get me one of those.


(or a guardian angel who was a personal trainer in a former life)


Thursday, May 26, 2016

Over and Over and Over

This morning I popped over here to the blog with intentions of writing some little sentimental post about "Him" (Z) but I looked down and I spewed too much word vomit in the other post from February entitled  Time, That Slippery Bastard. So how can I, in good conscience, do another damn post with him as my main focal point? 

I really can't.

However, as I have once again gotten frustrated and depressed, I have really felt a horrible urge to jump in my time machine and escape back to that time once again... the time where he acted crazy and did stupid things just to get to me and spend time with me. The time when he, turning flush red with want, shyly approached me to tell me just how enchanted he was with me. A moment that charged with electricity affects a woman seriously. Gentlemen, it sticks with us... for life. May never see his face again in this lifetime, but not a day goes by that I don't think of him. I was an adult female, but I became a grown woman in the moment that he first kissed me. It was my best moment, and also the exact moment my life changed and I was ruined. 


Should I consider that my 'defining moment'? If he hadn't happened, everything would have gone so differently for me, I'd probably be a proper lady with a "stick around husband" and a litter of kids. If he had still happened but things had gone differently, I would be the same proper lady, but he would have just been the "stick around husband" I guess.

No matter how many times I touch on this memory, it is in vain, it does no good for me to keep living there, and then, and keep repeating myself with this fairy tale over, and over, and over. "Reality" demands attention, and I am painfully reminded every day that I do NOT, in fact, have any sort of time machine and I have woken up enough times to the disappointing realization that all of the stuff that happened after him were apparently real, and not "just a long, deep, dark, terrible-awful dream". Yes I am living that truth, haven't found any way around that. 


No I don't really "live in the past", I do realize my present moment, and I am looking to the future for better things to come because I have no other choice. But if I should ever stumble across that magic wand, or a time machine of any sort, or that rabbit hole and find a way, I promise you I won't hesitate to take the trip.



I can't be the only one who feels this way about time.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Backwards Traveller

Time is just on crack. I can't believe it's already nearly June, and the last time I posted was sometime in February. I am getting back in here to post more, and really didn't even intend to or realize I had allowed such a gap of time to pass without posting. In my defense, my life has not been normal for some time, well a lot of time actually. I still wake up sometimes and look around hoping that everything has all been a depressingly bad dream, but each time I do, it's quickly apparent that I was awake, and not going to 'wake up' a second time. Now don't get me wrong, I am tired of shit being shitty, but I'm not blaming anyone but myself, and I am not bitching about it "like that", so hold your "get over it" and "snap out of it" comments. Save them for some other pitiful soul who you find to be annoying, dark and depressing. I'm FINE. It's my blog and I'll bitch all I damn well please. Now I don't usually type out too many cuss words, because you never know who's reading, but sometimes I am too tired to censor myself, and just say "fuck it." Anyways, I have mainly filled a lot of my time searching for a job, playing video games and spending time with my close peeps. I finally found a new job, so I am getting back on track and on my feet again. I may detail it a little bit more in my next entry. Thanks for coming by and reading, and I'll be more regular, I promise. Please leave me comments. I always enjoy knowing who's reading. Say a word, go on and force yourself. Happy Towel Day. Don't Panic!! Jax

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Time, That Slippery Bastard

Well, I am at it once more, wallowing in a pool of sexy, romantic, memory inducing music. I have been doing this for a couple of days now. When this happens, sometimes it is with a certain person from my past on my mind (Z). Sometimes it is just a melted together memory storm of everyone and everything I've been through, as the years have zoomed by.

Time gets away from me, time causes me pain with the passing of it and with all that comes and goes with it. The dirty bastard will take your loved ones, steal your lovers, sit up with you on long, lonely nights and remind you the exact moment you took that dastardly turn and your whole world went wrong. He is a truly heartless scumbag at times.

Hey no worries, I'm not in a bad mood, so don't come at me with any lectures about keeping on the sunny side of life, please. I'm just running off at the mouth. That's what this is for, I can vent, I can wax poetic, I can simply entertain, whatever I feel... my blog right?

As long as I am back to writing and staying fairly frequent I feel like I am doing better.

But as I was saying, the music really gives me that urge to jump in a time machine and go back to some of my life's warmer moments, times when I truly felt that electric exhilaration. That true and official "first kiss", the one that actually made the room spin and catapulted you into slow motion... yeah the one that nobody thinks really exists, but I am here to tell you it does. The sad part is, however that if you are so lucky as to experience that kiss, if it is something that Time (that derelict curmudgeon) decides to rip right out of your desperately love-stricken hands, you will spend the rest of your life trying to find that x-factor again in another.

You occasionally will think you have found it, or you will come close. You'll find an alternate universe that you will learn to live with, and convince yourself that it is right and happy and that this is truly what it is supposed to be like. You'll convince yourself that what you had was a fairy tale pipe dream, and an unrealistic expectation of love... yet subconsciously you will continue to seek that spark because you need it like vitamin C. You die a slower death in a faster fading life, thanks to Time because it can make such an awful thing possible.

Honestly, it is not an unrealistic expectation of love. Who has the right to say that it can't be that way? Why do we allow ourselves to be convinced that we don't deserve that level of ecstasy and elation in our heart and soul's counterpart? I think we do and should, if we have a sliver of a chance to experience that, and hold on to it (if possible, and sometimes it's not for long).

"If you smash into something good, you should hold on until it's time to let go." Under the Tuscan sun (Marcello)

Even if it is for a few days, a few weeks, months or years... or if it turns out to be for life, it is worth the risk of heartbreak and loss. I know i'm being the biggest cliche to support the 'better to have loved and lost than never to have.... blah blah blah', and I have my moments when I wish I haven't been through so much pain this go-round', but I honestly would not trade those moments for anything in the world. It allowed me to realize I was actually alive, it set my soul aflame. I knew there was more to this world than just breathing and learning how to 'adult' and pay bills and be miserable.

It gave me something to pray for and look forward to and cherish, even after it was just a memory.

Maybe I will never see it or him ever again. Does my heart and mind know a difference between replaying it in my mind and reality? If I dream it who is to say that it isn't as real? One of the universe's biggest questions... (repeat singing, "For all we know, this may only be a dream...") --It really doesn't matter at the end of the day. I am thankful I have had the privilege of a connection that I can still speak on with such passion in my heart this many years later.

There are some who go through their entire lives and never know that feeling.. that forever life-changing moment that makes everything else pale in comparison (right or wrong). Is it stupid? For some of you, the answer to that will be a prevailing "Yes".

Perhaps it is what has kept me here this long, still hoping, still having faith that some day it will be returned to me... if Time should decide to reduce my sentence and gift me that one more chance at happily ever after.

Wow what a lame post... but I am just incurable at times. Besides, what did you write today?

Tuesday, February 09, 2016

Aunt-I Flow

As usual, I am swimming against the current and not staying in the flow of things, but I honestly do try. I don't know what my deal is.  Yes I've been still trying to write, and I have been journaling, although I have a little gap because yes I'm trying to slack. I hate that about myself.

Anyway, I have been doing a few things, superbowl stuff, goofing around, and also still job searching. But I paused tonight to go back in time to some music that feeds my soul... I try not to stress myself too much about anything and enjoy the moment (hence the importance of staying in the flow), because "For all we know, this may only be a dream. For all we know, tomorrow may never come."

Enjoy today.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

How You Doin?

Nothing much going on today, I am just doing a little reading, catching up and trying to get more job leads. I do enjoy the time off, but I am no fool, I know I have to work for a living. I have been submitting resumes and I have a few bites, so I hope something will pan out soon.

Since re-opening this, my original blog, I'm wondering how everyone is doing. Are you guys out there? Still reading, writing? I'm trying to check back by on everyone and see who's still activated and current, and who's still long gone.

If you are new or old to this blog, still, feel free to leave me a comment. Let me know you're out there. Let's all get back to writing more. It is doing me some good, and I think I am doing better... at least from expressing myself. As for life, well, I am still forced to take that moment to moment.

Here's mud in your eye ;-)

Jax (Aunt Jackie)

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Fast Cars and Freedom

Growing up, my life was more like Creeping Cars and Curfews because my parents were the over-protective, God-fearing type. As much faith as they said they walked in, my Mom was always convinced that I was going to die in a fiery crash, or choke on a spaghetti noodle and be lost to this world tragically and forever. Dad helped out by always accompanying me to buy cars, ensuring that I had the slowest one on the road. I always tried to tell them that you could be sitting in your living room, hiding from the world and if it was your time to go, a plane could come flying in and crush you, and that you could no more cause it to happen (unless you're the suicidal type) than you could run away from it if your number was up. The spaghetti noodle would know where to find you if it was your time to go.

Even so, I still found my way into trouble more often than not, but I learned how to keep it hidden and somehow by grace itself never found my way into any trouble that I couldn't get out of thus far. So I have had my share of faster rides, but never quite caught the bug for speed. My addiction became more the risk of getting your heart crushed than your body.

Yes I have always been in love with love.

Now, my music tastes, they vary. My iPod playlists are eclectic and then some. While I am not the biggest fan of country music, I will occasionally visit if I hear something that evokes emotion or brings back a memory. I am drawn in first by chords and notes that touch my soul, and then the words that ignite my heart.

Though my luck in love has been primarily ill-fated, I still dream and hold out hope that one day someone will come along that expresses themselves like the music that I so escape to when I am hurting.

These days, it is so rare for someone to even tell the truth or express what's in their heart, much less compare what they see in you, or their affections for you to some mental oil painting that lights you aflame.

For instance, the following is from the well-known Rascall Flatts song:

Starin' at you takin' off your makeup
Wondering why you even put it on
I know you think you do but, baby, you don't need it
Wish that you could see what I see it when it's gone
I see a dust trail following an old red Nova
Baby blue eyes, your head on my shoulder
Wait, baby, don't move, right there it is
T-shirt hanging off a dogwood branch
That river was cold, but we gave love a chance
Yeah, yeah, to me
You don't look a day over fast cars and freedom
That sunset river bank first time feeling
Yeah, smile and shake your head as if you don't believe me
I'll just sit right here and let you take me back
I'm on that gravel road, look at me
On my way to pick you up; you're standing on the front porch
Looking just like that, remember that?
I see a dust trail following an old red Nova
Baby blue eyes, your head on my shoulder
Wait, baby, don't move, right there it is
T-shirt hanging off a dogwood branch
That river was cold, but we gave love a chance
Yeah, yeah, to me
You don't look a day over fast cars and freedom
That sunset river bank first time feeling...

Now, I have never had anyone write a song for me (not that I know of), but if I did, I don't think I could resist a man who equated seeing me take my make-up off (after assuring me that I don't need it at all) to a dust trail, an old muscle car, my eyes, my affections and obviously profound firsts and feelings that captured his manly, cold steel heart and transformed it into the fiery crash of a love that ran so hot it could have been the death of our hearts, but giving it a chance and taking that risk because he saw it was worth it. 

Yes, when that spaghetti noodle of love comes calling, there is not much you can do to escape it, you're most likely going to strangle on it and die, but if you should somehow survive, you might get lucky and pass the test of time, hopefully not looking like what you've been through. Some of you may just have to settle for looking not a day over some mid-sized, normal speed sport utility vehicle. As for me? I'll stay not a day over Fast Cars and Freedom, thank you.




Then again, maybe I am just a dreamer, like my Dad always said with my head too far in the clouds. But hey, I like the view.

Friday, January 15, 2016

"Getting it Right This Time"

Well, I'm blowing the dust off my original blog and seeing what I can do. I'm not going to blow up the post with any promises or jibber jabber about how I always neglect or fall off my creative endeavors, sick of listening to myself. So I'm just going to blog, journal, write and create. I don't do resolutions, but I'm going to hold myself accountable for doing at least a little bit of creating, creativity, etc daily.

So when I decided to physically begin "Journaling" again (not to be confused with Blogging), I was advised by a friend to do this by hand in ink, actually write it out not just type journal entries, because she said the "majick" and the therapy, what I needed out of this part of my writing was in the handwriting. This doesn't mean I can't share once in a while what I did journal, even if I realize it's mostly supposed to be for myself, personal work not for public, I am just so awesome, sometimes I need to share. Yes I enjoy writing and having people comment and chime in.

So, what started out as my first "journal entry" in this reanimated endeavor was something I just really felt like sharing digitally as well. So, without further ado, I give you the digital copy of my first hand-written journal entry this 15th day of January, 2016.

"Getting it Right This Time"

I'm not quite sure how to begin. I called Kim to tell her I am about to "officially" begin this hand written journaling thing. I guess I get so caught up in trying to make it very noteworthy, like I am writing to an audience that I actually had to sit and rationalize how to write for just me. Then I began to think-- even that thought itself put restrictions on what I was doing. The point of this is to relax and let it flow. I realized that I write like this naturally, as if I am always talking to somebody, which I am. Besides the fact that I am (without question) NEVER alone, thanks to my "God Posse" (i.e., God, Spirit Guides, Angels), but most likely one day, the chances are really good that I will be gone and someone somewhere will actually find this. Therefore, it is perfect for me... writing and making it good is something I do that I do for myself, it makes me :-) HAPPY. Plus, I like thinking it made someone else happy too (hence the love for feedback). So I give myself permission to be too picky here (OCD if you will). This is MY STORY. =) -->

Okay, so the title of this piece referred to getting the date right, as first I wrote 1/15/15, then I wrote 1/16/16 lol! Weird, but okay. So I don't get a lot of things right, so? This lifetime has become somewhat of a TESTAMENT to me basically fucking up (that's right, it's my journal I can cuss if I want to). I hope to someday stop fucking up, of course, but it's highly unlikely given the fact that this hellhole of a place is Earth and I am wearing this ridiculous, heavy and completely awkward "Human" costume. So all I can do is try my best. I am and have always been great at starting things. However, I'm not so good with finishing those things, but I am going to make my best effort to keep journaling, writing and working my creations.

More than likely, I'll go down in history for never finishing much of anything, or maybe win the award for "World's Greatest Procrastinator". Furthermore, I may never die because I will keep putting it off until the next day. However, if I do happen to "Kick the ol' proverbial bucket", effectively completing this magically delicious level of life I somehow roped myself into, my tombstone will probably say "Here lies Jax. She finally finished something she started."


Well there you have it, another awesome word from the one and only, ME.