Deep In The Forrest

My mother is a poem I'll never be able to write, though everything I write is a poem to my mother. ~Sharon Doubiago Sometimes I have trouble finding my muse... then I think of Mama, and I am miraculously able to move forward. Sometimes I feel down on my luck, or wonder how to go on... and then I think of what my Mom has endured in her own life, and all of the gifts I have because of her and I feel stupid not to put one more foot forward. Mom is an endless inspiration to me, an endless song of love. She's been the greatest teacher, the best friend, the warmest heart and the most comfort in times when she probably felt low on those things herself. There is nothing I hold higher than that precious soul on Earth that I call "Mom". Although I feel that I have let her down many times in my life, and that I can never repay her fully for everything she has given to me, I try. I do the best I can, which I always feel pales in comparison to her. My guilt sometimes asphyxiates m...

The rain has kind of stuck around, I guess we're getting showers from Hurricane Fay . So we haven't seen a really "clear" day most of the week. I like my rain and all, but I've just felt quite listless and mundane through the course of the whole week. Maybe it will switch up soon... I sure hope. At any rate, I'm sure you've all seen This Video Of The Idiot Kitesurfer who got slammed into the building by Fay. Just kind of shows me that idiots are still breeding, and that they need to be sterilized to stop the spread... Humans via evolution, should be advancing right?? Well so many people make a stiff argument for stupid. So I just don't know if we're making much progress. I know this is tragic and all, but please... is it so hard to use your brain these days?? They say we use only 10%, right? I think alot of people don't even come close to that. This is probably old news for most of us, but I'm a bit behind this week because I just haven...

Dear Mom, I find myself thinking of you today on what is, I guess, your 35th Thirty-ninth Birthday? You always said you were '39 and Holding' and as far as I'm concerned, you are and always will be. There are so many wonderful memories of our family, growing up with you and Dad as parents. I can't think of a warmer, happier home full of love and laughter. You have and still do make it a home worth taking solace in, visiting and creating lasting memories to take us through the next 30 Thirty-ninth birthdays. I know you hate for me to "air the dirty laundry in public", but some of our favorite things about you are your little "quirks" and your eccentric nature. I simply can't resist bringing back this little photo of you smoking your corn-cob pipe. Everyone always loves it. Anyway Mom, I won't make this a very long letter, I just wish you all of the happiness in the world, because there is not enough love and happiness in existence to give you ...

Lately I'm still feeling a sort of "tightness" or anxiety towards the future. Not the regular way that you sweat about the future and wonder what's in store for you, and thinking about the bright future one might have. It's a much more 'morbid' fixation. Constantly, in the back of my mind I am anxious and worried about how much time I have left with my parents. I can't imagine what this world will be like when either one of them is gone. Although I know that I will still have people in my life on whom I can depend, the non trusting part of me is afraid that these two people (the only two people in the whole world that have yet to let me down) are the only two that I can truly rely on... I'm trying to deal with those thoughts, but sometimes it's easier said than done. I realize it is really terrible to worry about how much time is left, and it does take away from the enjoyment that we have right now "this very moment" as I have posted ...

Went home to visit Mom and Dad last night, which is something that always soothes my soul. This morning, I had about 4.5 cups of coffee (maybe 5) with her. Black Coffee , with no sugar, no creme no "anything" is the way my Mom has always had hers... I guess I get mine from her recipe and the fact that we always drank tea and coffee that way in my family. Enjoyed sitting with her and having a nice visit to our pot of hot java though... had spent the night there and just pretended to be a kid again. However, Mom asked Richie (Mr. J) if he wanted any breakfast, and she offered to make some biscuits. Now she makes no ordinary biscuits--they have always been a magic creation in our household. She takes great pride in the makings of these biscuits too... I've eaten them any wonderful way possible... Biscuits with brown gravy, biscuits with white gravy, biscuits with sausage, or jelly or honey or just biscuit and syrup... sometimes even just a delicious buttered-version of Mom...

Today was the first day of my Christmas vacation. I am off through the 26th, which is great... a nice 6 day weekend. Of course, time will fly, but I will try to make the best of it... Maybe it won't stack with the rest of the holiday blurs. Anyway, since I had the time, I went down to see my Mom and Dad today and with intention of helping Mom out with a few things... We went to the store, and picked up things she needed for our upcoming Christmas Dinner, I tried to get a few things myself, but I am not good at shopping. The crowds and the lines and just the stores themselves give me The Willies . I enjoyed spending some time with her, after the store we stopped off and had some fish, which is one of her favorite things to eat. Had to admit I was a bit peckish myself, so fish sounded good. (Catfish to be exact). Took Dad home a plate (shrimp is his seafood of choice). And I gave them a preview of the family-photo slideshow/DVD movie that I prepared for Christmas... I wanted to see w...

I'm still sitting here brainwashing myself (or trying to) with the 'soothing sounds of Christmas'. I know what you're thinking, "Jackie, it shouldn't be that hard to get in the spirit." Ok, well maybe it shouldn't be. It is somehow. As hard as I try to continue with my childlike spirit and immaturity, I struggle in matters of Childish heart... If I listen to the music, all it does is remind me of my Mother and make me wish I was still at home, lying on the floor in the Livingroom under the brilliance of the Christmas tree lights, listening to Mom's Christmas albums on her old stereo, she had em all and they stayed on rotation, playing... as I said, she always has music playing. I could lie for hours staring at the lights, listening to the music (Rockin Around The Christmas Tree, O' Christmas Tree, Silent Night, Little Drummer Boy, Silver Bells... etc). The temperatures this week have been pretty cold too, so that is helping some. As I said yest...