(*Warning: Do not read if you don't want to hear anything negative or "depressing". I am just about to rant on some inner feelings. If you would rather just move along and only want me to make you laugh, then consider this the end of the post. **Smile** Have a great weekend!!! :)
Still here?? O.k., well here goes.
I'm not sure quite how to illustrate how I'm feeling this morning. I woke up feeling like Christmas, with a crisp chill in the air and slight sparkle. Then that fizzled, and I continued nibbling on that same bad taste in my mouth that I went to bed with.
Momentarily, I could faintly see the frazzles on the end of my rope.
I'm just tired... tired of the fragile, glass road of life. And I'm tired of being misunderstood and feeling like I am forced to chew socks every time I express what's on my mind. I'm always the enemy, I can never possibly be right, and I wonder more often than one should have to how easily it would be for me to die alone, unmissed and forgotten.
Before you yell at me for having a pity party or a "whine fest" or tell me another reason that I should be ashamed of myself, just understand that sometimes I just need to get things off my chest and feel like I have at least ONE open, understanding ear somewhere in this world... It's nice sometimes to be able to be honest without people thinking you're a bitch or a witch or an asshole. After all, I'm a Cancer... "A Crab Child" and that certainly comes with its ups and downs, smiles and frowns.
As This Website Illustrates...
Traditional Cancer Traits:
Emotional and loving
Intuitive and imaginative
Shrewd and cautious
Protective and sympathetic
On the dark side...
Changeable and moody
Overemotional and touchy
Clinging and unable to let go
The Dark side? Yes I know. I know some of the things I do can be infuriating and seem selfish. But that's not really how I mean to be. I just need a stable, comfortable home life [not a "commune"]. I need one place (meaning my "home") to be a place of solace, the place that I can go after dealing with the world, and the public and all other forms of life and infuriating stresses in the 8-day-week, and hide. I have to recharge. I have to have a place in this world to call my own; one where I can wake up and feel comfortable and be myself, lie around in my t-shirt and undies all day if I feel like it. Just my own domain. I feel like if I am bringing in half of the bread, and being the one responsible for making sure all the bills stay paid, and doing as much as I can to make your life happy, then it's not a crime to ask for a little respect and for you to see my side of the story and realize where some lines should be drawn.
It's not that I mind helping people, and being there for friends (yours and mine), it's just that sometimes things get a little ridiculous and sometimes people (contrary to your faithful belief in everyone) tend to take advantage, and take 5 miles when you offer them a loving, free inch or two! I'm not heartless. I'm not a bitch. All I ever wanted in my life was an honest, and true returned love and a safe and happy place to lay my head at night. I want to be myself-and you to like that for the most part, and I want you to at least see my side of the story, or try to understand where I'm coming from, even if we don't always agree.
I want to be able to discuss things in a calm, collected manner instead of being seen as an attacker, when I merely am trying to let someone know what is on my mind, how I feel. Just wish you could see the tender person within instead of the wrong idea you get stuck in your head...
Just give me a break... cut me some slack!
Sorry, I know this turned into more of a personal thing and I'm sure you can see between the lines that someone very close to me has given me a hard time this week (not naming any names). It's nothing serious, nothing bad has happened. I'm just frustrated, I'm tired and I'm venting... Wondering as well, if maybe I'm wrong and I really don't have any right to feel this way... who knows.