Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Time, That Slippery Bastard

Well, I am at it once more, wallowing in a pool of sexy, romantic, memory inducing music. I have been doing this for a couple of days now. When this happens, sometimes it is with a certain person from my past on my mind (Z). Sometimes it is just a melted together memory storm of everyone and everything I've been through, as the years have zoomed by.

Time gets away from me, time causes me pain with the passing of it and with all that comes and goes with it. The dirty bastard will take your loved ones, steal your lovers, sit up with you on long, lonely nights and remind you the exact moment you took that dastardly turn and your whole world went wrong. He is a truly heartless scumbag at times.

Hey no worries, I'm not in a bad mood, so don't come at me with any lectures about keeping on the sunny side of life, please. I'm just running off at the mouth. That's what this is for, I can vent, I can wax poetic, I can simply entertain, whatever I feel... my blog right?

As long as I am back to writing and staying fairly frequent I feel like I am doing better.

But as I was saying, the music really gives me that urge to jump in a time machine and go back to some of my life's warmer moments, times when I truly felt that electric exhilaration. That true and official "first kiss", the one that actually made the room spin and catapulted you into slow motion... yeah the one that nobody thinks really exists, but I am here to tell you it does. The sad part is, however that if you are so lucky as to experience that kiss, if it is something that Time (that derelict curmudgeon) decides to rip right out of your desperately love-stricken hands, you will spend the rest of your life trying to find that x-factor again in another.

You occasionally will think you have found it, or you will come close. You'll find an alternate universe that you will learn to live with, and convince yourself that it is right and happy and that this is truly what it is supposed to be like. You'll convince yourself that what you had was a fairy tale pipe dream, and an unrealistic expectation of love... yet subconsciously you will continue to seek that spark because you need it like vitamin C. You die a slower death in a faster fading life, thanks to Time because it can make such an awful thing possible.

Honestly, it is not an unrealistic expectation of love. Who has the right to say that it can't be that way? Why do we allow ourselves to be convinced that we don't deserve that level of ecstasy and elation in our heart and soul's counterpart? I think we do and should, if we have a sliver of a chance to experience that, and hold on to it (if possible, and sometimes it's not for long).

"If you smash into something good, you should hold on until it's time to let go." Under the Tuscan sun (Marcello)

Even if it is for a few days, a few weeks, months or years... or if it turns out to be for life, it is worth the risk of heartbreak and loss. I know i'm being the biggest cliche to support the 'better to have loved and lost than never to have.... blah blah blah', and I have my moments when I wish I haven't been through so much pain this go-round', but I honestly would not trade those moments for anything in the world. It allowed me to realize I was actually alive, it set my soul aflame. I knew there was more to this world than just breathing and learning how to 'adult' and pay bills and be miserable.

It gave me something to pray for and look forward to and cherish, even after it was just a memory.

Maybe I will never see it or him ever again. Does my heart and mind know a difference between replaying it in my mind and reality? If I dream it who is to say that it isn't as real? One of the universe's biggest questions... (repeat singing, "For all we know, this may only be a dream...") --It really doesn't matter at the end of the day. I am thankful I have had the privilege of a connection that I can still speak on with such passion in my heart this many years later.

There are some who go through their entire lives and never know that feeling.. that forever life-changing moment that makes everything else pale in comparison (right or wrong). Is it stupid? For some of you, the answer to that will be a prevailing "Yes".

Perhaps it is what has kept me here this long, still hoping, still having faith that some day it will be returned to me... if Time should decide to reduce my sentence and gift me that one more chance at happily ever after.

Wow what a lame post... but I am just incurable at times. Besides, what did you write today?

Tuesday, February 09, 2016

Aunt-I Flow

As usual, I am swimming against the current and not staying in the flow of things, but I honestly do try. I don't know what my deal is.  Yes I've been still trying to write, and I have been journaling, although I have a little gap because yes I'm trying to slack. I hate that about myself.

Anyway, I have been doing a few things, superbowl stuff, goofing around, and also still job searching. But I paused tonight to go back in time to some music that feeds my soul... I try not to stress myself too much about anything and enjoy the moment (hence the importance of staying in the flow), because "For all we know, this may only be a dream. For all we know, tomorrow may never come."

Enjoy today.