Monday, November 19, 2007

Deep Into Monday

We should never forget our roots... they give us strength.

So I failed my 8th grade science test, what else is new? lol

Now what was I saying?? Ah yes... In my years on Earth, I have yet to miss a Thanksgiving. It's always been at Mom and Dad's house (my childhood home since 2 years of age). So I can only imagine at this moment how I will feel when that is no longer possible. Holidays as I have known them will one day be nonexistent.

I can't help but think about this. I know this is something that we all deal with, and a lot of people I know who have experienced loss deal with it very well, others not at all.

I always get an edgy, nervous feeling around the holidays though because that is when things always tend to go wrong. I can only sit back in prayer that we make it through without anything major, you know?? I sure do miss the old days, but I say that way too much around here.

Another irritating dream last night: This time, I dreamt that I woke up and it was like 4:30 in the afternoon. I had totally missed the work day and I was running around frantic trying to get in touch with someone to let them know what happened, or to make excuses for my absence or whatever. It felt totally real. I honestly thought I slept through the work day. When I actually woke up and looked at the clock, I could only breathe a sigh of relief.

Woke Up From The American Dream

Now I've dipped into some of the old sexy 'silent storm' type music from the "Z" days, which always soothes, yet depresses me. I don't know why I do it to myself... listen to music that I know is going to throw me into a "remember when" mode. Deep down, I think I'm just a glutton for punishment. I want very much to believe that it is totally human to hang onto moments such as that, which made you float way past cloud 9. It's not something that can be controlled within me. I had this period of my life, and I have never felt so good about myself since then. The time after was so dark, the time before seemed so insignificant once I felt a realization that I could feel so strong and so beautiful and so passionate.

I know everything happens for a reason, and that it also ends for a reason... I wouldn't be here where I am today. Where am I?? I am not sure exactly... but I imagine that I will know, probably another ten years from now when I am mourning the loss of this decade too.

Where does one find motivation to keep on keeping on? To accomplish what you set out to accomplish? To do things that you want to check off your 'to do before it is too late' list??

I always say I live by a No Regrets policy, but is it truly possible to have no regrets? I don't have any regrets as far as experiencing a lot of what I wanted to experience in my life, and I am truly lucky to say I know what Love is and I know what real passion feels like. I've experienced sheer hilarity, terrible pain, hopeless moments and sweet melancholy, loss and also fantastic electric joy. Without the pain we wouldn't appreciate the joy I guess. I know that I owe all my creativity to the delicate balance between bliss and agony. Still, why can't (some) things just remain perfect???

If I had a remote control (like on the movie "Click") I know I would never use the fast-foward button, but I would probably wear out the rewind and the pause or "slo mo" options... wouldn't that be so amazing to be able to do??

During my lunch break, I just jumped in my car and drove around Midtown for a bit, down the deliciously wide streets of the Evergreen historic district, and near the Zoo and Art museum and school. I just slowly rolled through the streets watching the wind call down all the leaves. Although the colors are brilliant right now, I know that they will cool down to the bare, winter death that comes to all living things. We'll enjoy the frigid frosty air (when we can get it), and look towards another spring... the year will again pass like lightning, and I'll be sitting here writing something strangely familiar again about this time next year.

Because there is no solution to be found for the passing of time, the moving on of the people around us, and the changes in this life. We just have to buckle up, ride and try to capture it all in our minds (a mental photograph, perhaps?). At least we can rewind and play as many times as we feel like it in our dreams and memories... that's something nobody can take from us.

In honor of today, I will share "The Pretenders"...
"My City Was Gone", cool video good song.


Jay Cam said...

lol i would use the "slo mo" button to see the look on your face when u failed you 8th grade test!

i am a 4.0 GPA for life!
: )

Aunt Jackie said...

Hmmm, good use of resources there Jay Cam... I am glad we can count on you to remember the important moments! lol

And btw, nobody likes a Braggart... you better watch your pocket protector buddy. :D

Jay said...

Man, if life had a remote control I would wear out that mute button. LOL ;-)

Aunt Jackie said...

Jay, I'm with ya there!!! Gahhd there are so many people who I would put on mute!!!

captain corky said...

I try not to spend too much time dwelling on the past. I like to use my time more constructively... Like for TV watching and stuff. ;)

I think you should try starting one new tradition a year for the holidays. That might help. Hang in there Jackie!

Real Live Lesbian said...

I've been thinking about how things will be changing as my parents grow older, too. It's just flippin' sad. We haven't had a death in our family in quite some time. All of my aunts and uncles are getting older and I hate to think of the day when none of them will be here. Makes me blue.

Enjoy your time with the family.

Nothingman said...

Well...i did clear the 8th grade test :) just barely :P

remote of life...right, i'd want double fast forward on that please :)

what is yet to come is exciting