Tuesday, December 27, 2011

The End Is Near

Oh goody! It's nearly 2012 so you know what that means, we get to look forward to another year with people obsessed about doomsday prophecies and all that cool jazz. I'm interested to see how much crazier people can get about these things.

In the meantime, however we have to keep working on our own destinies... one moment at a time, right? If we get a new moment, then we make the best of it and keep climbing and trying, not driving and crying... lol.

Anyway, Christmas? I survived... I'm just very glad it is over. Now I just hope I can finally see some progress and work on more good things about myself this year. It's time for change, and I mean more than just that stupid crap that refuses to come out of the vending machine.

In honor of the new year that we are looking towards, I will interject a word about Resolutions... I don't do them. That's my resolution... I resolve not to make resolutions... so instead, I offer some alternative "affirmations" if anyone is feeling inspirational (and/or sarcastic)... if not, shut the fuck up I'm rich enough without your 2 cents... you do you, I'll do me. (yeah yeah, insert juvenile, tasteless sexual innuendo here that I will just ignore).

So... here you go, like it or not... here's to the new year, the beginning of "The End" and all...

In 2012,

As I release feelings of guilt, I get more in touch with my inner sociopath.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. 

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault. 

In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of wisdom and judgment.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as rewarding.

I am at one with my duality.

Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves in knots.

I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

I honor & express all facets of my being, regardless of state/local laws.

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

A scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

I will no longer waste my time reliving the past; I will spend it worrying about the future.

The complete lack of evidence is surest proof the conspiracy is working.

Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot. 


Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Please Come Home




Speaks for itself, so I don't really need to type out some overly-wordy blog post today...

Holidays suck way more when you're alone.

Monday, December 19, 2011

The Nightmare Before Christmas

We're really staring straight down the barrel of Christmas now, it's a four-day week and then we are off Friday and Monday for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I have no pepped up feelings about the holidays at all. Mostly, I just feel dread, as I have to go home to Mom's house and as much as it pains me to say that I can't really enjoy visiting Moms because it's so depressing, but I HAVE to go because if I didn't she would fall apart with sadness, and nobody else will go see her at all, except on holidays, so I'm really the only person she sees except her Wednesday appointments with her sister to get her hair done, Ms. Billingsley down the road and the church folks.

I have to admit that it hurts me to think about it, makes me pretty glad I don't have children in a way. Because you love and devote your life to your family, then you get 70something or whatever and they all go off and have their own lives and don't come check on you or just come in for a cup of coffee just to visit and break up the long, monotonous dreary day. She feels sad a lot because nobody ever comes by. Then I just feel worse. So even if I had children, more than likely I would still be gearing up just to die alone.

It's life I guess.

Then the shopping for Christmas, I like to do much of my stuff online... because I simply despise crowds and stores and just the whole experience. So I try to get away with as little trouble as possible. Besides, people are so hard to buy for anyway, and unless I have someone to get gifts for that have a specific need or I know they appreciate, then giving gift cards or money are easiest, even though that's not very personal.

Like Mom again for instance. She has too many "knick-knacks" so she doesn't want anything else that she has to 'set' anywhere in the house. She is hard to buy clothes for because she refuses to wear anything that fits, and she's so small, it's hard to find things that fit anyway. Plus she's picky, so it's really better off to take her shopping for clothes.

Musically, I have avoided Christmas songs like the plague, and instead opted to continue my normal listening to my own music collection, CD's, playlists. There's not much Christmas music that I feel is very uplifting anyway, it gets more sickly annoying than peppy. Except during the month of July, when I might have a couple of days of strange Christmas yearning... of course out-of-place and odd. Me Me Me!

Movies, that's really where it's at... The most enjoyment I get out of the Christmas season is watching my favorite holiday movies. I guess I live vicariously through their perfect families, humor and holiday spirit. They are usually comedies, but some drama. My favorites are "A Christmas Story", "Bad Santa", "Just Friends" (not really considered a Christmas movie but set around the holiday so it is in essence for me, the Charlie Brown cartoons and some other cartoons that I remember enjoying from childhood... there are a few. "Christmas with the Kranks" wasn't bad, and then of course the "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia Christmas Special" was good, because that's just incredibly funny, raucous humor.

It will be over before I know it though, and on to a brand new year that will zip by ultra-fast, once again, so I guess it'll be o.k. Yeah, I know I write a lot of posts about staying positive and motivated and looking at the bright side, trying to progress and ascend and bring joy... Just doesn't apply to holidays for me. I gotta have at least holidays off from being awesome. Ho, ho ho!! Give me a break. =)

For the video treat to this post, I couldn't embed, so Click Here to see South Park's episode "A Very Crappy Christmas".


Laughin to keep from cryin... AJ


Thursday, December 15, 2011

Over The Gump

You know, the more I live and learn about people, the more I confidently say that Stupidity is a sexually transmitted disease. Many people who have no business having children just keep spreading it like crazy... I know that sounds a little cynical and inhumane, but hey the truth when told really "smarts" sometimes.

One thing that I can't help but wonder is why the biggest idiots are always the ones opening their mouths and trying to show off, acting like they have all the answers.

Sometimes you really do want to smack them in the mouth and scream, "Hey Stupid!! Shut the Hell up, and save some oxygen for the people with half a brain!"

They make themselves look so much more asinine when they insist on basting us in their verbal vomit than if they could just sit back in silence, giving everyone's ears a break from their incessant aural assault. Then regarding their brainlessness?

None would be the wiser!

Lately, I suppose I have just had my fill of the dazed and confused, the dopey, doltish, thick-headed, moronic, half-baked, out-to-lunch, several-bricks-shy-of-a-load LOSERS! It's just such a drain on my energy. After all, you can't get through to someone with no capability for "reason". It's a losing game. As Albert Einstein once said, "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

However mind-boggling, it is still hilarious as hell when you run across those that think they are so very clever, and think they are fooling anyone with their games. That's when it's fun just to sit back and watch them hang themselves with their own 'Stupid Rope'. Though this will probably get me cussed out, I have to say in certain cases Sterilization is a damn good idea.



"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt."
-Bertrand Russell 

Friday, December 09, 2011

In Love With Friday

It's been a tiring week, and I'm so glad to see Friday. I've been thinking hard on all the ways I need to work on myself and improve for this coming year. It's time for positive changes and I have got to get myself moving in more productive directions all the way around. I want to focus on my art work, maybe begin writing a book, and get my personal life out of the running for 'The Jerry Springer Show". I just want to feel relaxed and peaceful again. I'm ready!

Now, nobody bitch me out, I am not blaming anyone but myself. This is a personal vendetta with ME, BY Me just stating my own lament and taking responsibility for said circumstance. This is a good thing. It means that I own up to it, and I'm ready to take my power back, get in the driver's seat and really go where I want to go.

We waste so much time on people who don't deserve it, efforts that bring no reward or offer anything of value to the world we live in, and just spend to much time in regrets of the past and worries over the future that we just let "The Now" evaporate right out from under us. So before getting to today's video, I would like to wrap this little block of thoughts up by repeating something someone shared on Facebook today.

It was a great insight that read:

"Your journey has molded you for the greater good. It was exactly what it needed to be; don't think you've lost time, it took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now, and NOW is Right On Time..."

Tuesday, December 06, 2011

The Paperless Age

Recently, I picked up an old book I haven't read in a while by one of my favorite authors, Richard Bach entitled "The Bridge Across Forever". The pages yellowed with age, and old bookmarks playing acrobatics in and out of the pages, I read through the pages as if reading them for the first time all over again. This in part because it has been so long since I actually read it, but I think that no matter how many times you read a book, you will always find something new, a message meant for just you, at exactly the right time.

"For the Love Of Story Time!"
That is the beauty of the written word, you can settle yourself in to your favorite nook or cranny, ball up next to a fire with your cup of hot cocoa, and not be disturbed as you slip into a completely different dimension, another world all its own with people, ideas and possibilities you never gave thought to before. So, you escape, shutting the noise and the chaos of this tired existence out for a while, enjoying your personal little trip through time and space.

With books, you can have complete creative license. You have your own idea what each character in the book looks like, sounds like, what it would be like to live where they live, and to exist in their world. When we listen to an audiobook, or go see the movie these things are taken away from us, and not nearly as detailed and engrossing. Although I enjoy listening to a good audiobook, and am a fan of a well-put-together cinematic masterpiece, I still get sad when I think of the decline in appreciation of the written word. These days we are so obsessed with 'going green', and saving paper, and speeding up the process of our every day lives, saving time... Hurry! Hurry, Rush, Rush RUSH!!! We lose appreciation for those quiet moments where we allow our minds to relax and we can quiet our inner being.

While I know that doomsday preachers, and governmental conspiracy theorists will say that it's already all gone down the drain, but it just takes one person to start a good trend. We should save some of these treasures, I think that the death of the Paperless age is only the beginning of worse things to come.

What's the hurry anyway? If you rush to the end and waste all the enjoyment of those wonderful moments spent savoring things that we love most, you're just racing towards "The End", and I for one am in no rush to get to that last page... Not just yet! ;-)

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

To Build A Fire

It has been continually dreary since I put together my little "rain" playlist before the Thanksgiving holiday. Well with the exception of a couple of spots of sun shining through, it's been overcast, cloudy and cold. We actually had a bit of rain/snow mix last night and this morning. I'm also battling a cold I suppose, and since I had taken a couple of extra vacation days I guess it worked itself out. I hope I get over it quickly though, being sick sucks.

Thanksgiving came and went, and I'm trying to think towards the Christmas holidays, but fact is, last year I had a lot more perky feelings of hope, but we're hanging in there... me that is, and all of my "personalities" ha-ha.

So having recently cleaned the wood-burning heater, and gotten it primed for winter, last night we built a nice fire. I've been trying to keep one going today as well, since the temperatures haven't risen very high. I just can't believe that the year has zipped by us so fast...

Where does the time go?


Meanwhile, all we can do is stay warm and dry... have a little hot cocoa, and maybe a nice Fire (in whatever form you like most).

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Melon Collie and the Hopefully Temporary Sadness

It is the day before Thanksgiving, and the feelings of holiday dread are beginning to creep in. I tried to remain perked up and find things to keep me on a positive note, but I must admit that I'm feeling just plain Melancholy right about now. I guess it's a kind of emptiness, or loneliness that comes with the season for me.

Sometimes, although you will rarely hear me admit this, I envy friends, family and colleagues who have their normal homes and their normal families (with children) to go home to, they get a "security" that I don't get. Guess sometimes I would rewind if I could and make different choices. In fact, if I could go back some years knowing what I know now, I would definitely do some switching up and changing lanes...

We know that we're in this exact 'time and place' and situation for a reason, though, but that doesn't make the medicine any easier to swallow.

I do hope to get another chance at real happiness and fulfillment, I realize we choose these directions and we get navigate our paths, so next time I am given the golden egg, I'm going to crack it. These "missed boats" sink my very heart and flood my soul.

One of these days, I truly hope all my wishes come true. =)

Until then my love I will be here, patiently... Waiting...



Yes I Am Waiting...

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Rainy Days

The last couple of days here in Memphis have been rainy, so the streets are aglitter with the shimmery oil drippings of the commuters' vehicles, and chemicals of many colors, all so beautiful in their toxicity.

"How", we think "can pollution look so lovely?"

Rain, oh relaxing lullaby drizzling down, how you do remind me of my childhood. How safe we felt in the protection of our home and family... the lucky ones of us, I say as I'm sure that the rain may at this very moment reminding someone less fortunate than myself of other, darker childhood memories.

The memory floods back into my mind of a cool, misty morning... the rain was pouring down as my Mother made our way safely to the elementary school. There was something that comforted me, knowing that our classrooms would be dim as we watched the windows, painted with the blur of the colors outside soaked in raindrops.

The thunder and sounds of the storm gave me such a cozy feeling, as I eyed my Snoopy lunchbox, thermos filled with tea, knowing that my peanut butter and jelly sandwich waited patiently for me. Yes, I knew even then how to appreciate the blessings of the occasional wet wonderland.

Let our minds rewind as we enjoy a rainy childhood memory courtesy of "Pooh".




So the following verse was never really heartfelt for me:

"Rain, Rain go away... 
Come again another day." 

I was always happy on rainy days.

(Repeat of my post today from I Miss My Childhood Blog)

Monday, November 21, 2011

I Still Don't Like Mondays

Any Day In Memphis...
The commute in this morning was treacherous at best, as the Memphis drivers panicked in lieu of the torrential downpour that we awoke to. There are two directions I can basically choose to navigate on the Interstate in Memphis. I can hit I-55 heading North to the back side of I-240, or just stay straight going East on I-240. This morning, I-55 North was gridlocked, so I remained heading east with the rain making for a touch and go drive, the idiot in front of me riding the bumper of the guy in front of him, and constantly hitting his brakes. Basically, to save my sanity I resolved myself to going under the speed limit and letting the morning morons pass and get out of my sight. The other route had been full of accidents, and given the mass hysteria, there was not much opportunity for me to have a slice of the road to myself. So I crept along at a hearty pace of 5-10 mph until we reached an area that loosened up a little. Despite some extremely admirable efforts of the Memphis Chapter of some modernized Gauntlet team, I arrived safely to my destination in one piece.

The day is a gloomy one, which is not something I generally deem as negative. I rather enjoy a nice rainy day. Preferably I don't have to drive in these storms much, as I once had a scary incident in which I hydroplaned off the Interstate during a bad rainstorm on the way to work back in the day when I was employed at one of the casinos.

There is just something so refreshing and relaxing about a cool, rainy day...
Rain! whose soft architectural hands have power to cut stones, and chisel to shapes of grandeur the very mountains.  ~Henry Ward Beecher


However, with regard to Mondays... I can still find PLENTY to bitch about. Let's see... even with this being a short week due to the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday (a time to be thankful is an even BETTER time to bitch about the little things that bring us down hehe).

1. Monday sucks enough on its own compounded by rain and already brain-dead Memphis drivers.

2. Monday is the blade that chops your weekend away (for those of us who slave ourselves to a time-clock at any rate, and I already know some of you don't, so nye.)

3. The Monday people who are also morning people get in your face.

4. The already loud and annoying conference calls that people make first thing in the morning seem even louder and longer, so I can't have my essential quiet time.

5. I don't need other reasons, I just feel like bitching about Monday... 'Nuff said.

Since the week is cut in half, I guess it's not so bad... BUT STILLLLL >>>>




Friday, November 18, 2011

Friday Early Thanks

Smell Ye The Roses!
Here at work today, we are having our office Thanksgiving dinner spread. I opted to bring Dolmas (greek "grape leaves"), which are usually a hit.

As I made myself responsible for the Grape Leaves, this prompted me to create an entire greek spread for last night's dinner.

So I put together Gyros, Dolmas, Tabouleh, Hummus, and this little Olives/Feta cheese mixture which is kind of a side you can eat along with this... included some Goat Cheese crumbles. At any rate, it's something I like a lot that I haven't had in a while.  I'm just proud of myself for coming through on a bit of cooking. Usually, my motivation fails me.

The coming year is one of a lot of work for me in the realm of personal growth and getting where I need to go spiritually and physically here too. Seriously, a lot of work, decision-making and moving forward hopefully to a life filled with much-deserved happiness for once. I can only try hard and cross my fingers and keep plugging away.

Changes are never easy, and I sure wish they were easier. I know they're necessary... We can't flounder around in quick-sand forever, or we'll get pulled under.


I remain positive though, that's a good thing. The challenge is smelling the roses without getting stung on the nose again... and again... and again. =)

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Facelift

I was just reviewing the blog, and I have determined that if I want to get back into the swing of it, I may well benefit from a "facelift" on the blog, so I will redesign. I think I want to go back to something very simple and easier on the eyes... Stay tuned, I'll see what I can do.

**Update** Ok, so I went ahead and went with another template, which was pretty simple and seemed to change the format a little bit, I think I like it for now... I think that the blue is nice, and that the white background with the black text is refreshing and much easier to read.

This may be just the spark to get me rolling again on my writing and posting... So we'll see.

Thanks to everyone who hovers around and anticipates a post from me. I'm going to try to get back to good ones. Well, it will be a mixture of good ones, and as we all know, some days are just small notes to mention how things are going... But becoming more regular, yes--I can. =)

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Fall Back

We had the time change last weekend, and that always throws things off a bit. Although the fall is better because in essence, we actually get an hour back into our hot little hands. But what it does to the daylight I don't quite enjoy. It's already bright and shiny early in the morning, then by the time I get off work, the sun is nearly set or as it progresses, the sun is down completely. Yep, I'm just bitching about what I don't like about it... feel free to rag me (I know some of you who have nothing better to do will).

So I have said time and time again that I was gonna get back on track and blog more often... Have you guys totally given up on me? I haven't. I may get beat up, stomped down, and shaken up but I never give up. I know that eventually (maybe even this very moment) I will get back in the swing of daily writing.a

BBC suggested I pick a day that I do like and blog that day... well, I don't really have a favorite day. I can really kinda bitch about every day of the week... case in point:

Sunday: It's boring, nothing good comes on TV, I always end up doing laundry that day because I procrastinated the other 6 days of the week when I was dreading or irritated by them, and then I have to go to bed and dread waking up to start another shitty Monday.

Monday: It always sucks unless it's a holiday, in which case it basically just taints Tuesday, making it the Monday that I would have dreaded on Sunday. Sure I would have enjoyed that particular Sunday a little better except I was probably thinking about how Monday was gonna pass too quickly and there we'd be on Tuesday. =)

Tuesday: Not too bad, but still 3 days away from the weekend, making it just barely tolerable. Not much on TV that night either.

Wednesday: Usually band practice night when we are on our game, and also currently the night that "American Horror Story" comes on (FX Channel). So all-in-all, not the worst day of the week, but... y'know-why waste unnecessary energy. Heck I've got 2 more work days left.

Thursday: This is just an evil, taunting tease of a day. You can see Friday clearly on the Horizon, but you're already stressing about what you have to get done before the weekend is through, and also the multitude of things and people that are already getting on your nerves. The day glops by with the speed of Molasses (not to be confused with Mole Asses).

Friday: A brief flicker of joy marking the end of a long week, and then the beginning of the joyous weekend, a.k.a. "Lightening Round" because it zips by that fast. :)

Saturday: Nobody wants to wake up early on a Saturday, but unless you do, this day is shot quickly. Saturday you must pack everything you really want to do in! Unless you did your laundry earlier in the week, then you need to wash clothes, clean up, then get around to seeing everyone that you have neglected calling, visiting etc throughout the week. This can be a stressful day, making me wish I was back at work sometimes instead of the weekend because at least when I am at work, I have a good excuse as to why I can't go here, or do this or make time for _______. (Fill in the blank).

So there you go, a negativity filled week of dread, procrastination and forgetting about how blessed I am and living in the moment... haha. Anyways, I'm just making up shit that sounds cynical... although I do briefly experience thoughts such as this above, like I guess anyone does.

Anyway, this is just a block of ramblings... it's taken me three days to get it finished and it still didn't amount to anything interesting to read... haha.

So let's wait and see if I can manage one more post in the next week or so and find my groove again. After all, Groove is in the heart.


Monday, August 22, 2011

I Don't Like Mondays

Short story today, it's Monday, I've been busy. The weekend was okay, went to the Casino mainly to see a band with my friend Glenda, didn't gamble, just ate at Bally's. Saturday night went to see "The Help" with my BFF, Tamra, good movie, I liked it anyway, thought it was a little crowded for my "unibomber" taste. :)

Then Sunday went to a sort of Wake for one of the members of our Motorcycle Riding group who passed away this past Thursday, so that was of course a downer, but he was suffering, and I'm glad he's in a better place.

Sunday night of course it was True Blood before bed, then a hard nights rest, before waking to yet another week of the grind.

No related music video to include today, nothing really comes to me. :)

Later on... AJ

Friday, August 19, 2011

Midnight Blue

From time-to-time, I get all nostalgic and make music mixes and sometimes I find myself stuck in the 80s, a time when it was simple and still magical (for me at least, I don't need to know the cynical time it was for anyone else).

So I was making my friend Glenda an "Ultimate 80s Mix" the other day, and I found myself including the song "Midnight Blue" by Lou Gramm. I listened in to the words, and they were pretty cool.

Ain't got no regrets
And I ain't losin' track
Of which way I'm going
Ain't gonna double back
Don't want no misplay
Put on no display
An angel? No!
But I know my way
I used follow
Yeah, that's true.
But my following days are over,
Now I just gotta follow through
I remember what my father said
He said "Son Girl, life is simple"
It's either cherry red or...

Midnight Blue...
Oh...
Midnight Blue...
Oh...
You were the restless one
And you did not care
That I was the troubled boy Girl...
Lookin' for a double dare
I won't apologize for
The things I've done and said
But WHEN I WIN YOUR HEART,
I'm gonna paint it cherry red.

I don't want to talk about it
What you do to me
I can't live without it
And you might think that
It's much too soon
For us to go this far
Into the...
Midnight Blue...

Things could be different
But that'd be a shame, 'cause
I'm the one who could feel the sun
Right in the pouring rain
I won't say where
And I don't know when
But soon there's gonna come a day
I'll be back again
Yeah, I'll be back for you
You see, I'm saving up my love...
Midnight Blue.

Sums it all up for me today... I'm posting, yeah, posting when I want to and feel like it, and I hope to make it more frequent, but I'm a moody HEFFAH, so I'll be back when I have something on my mind and the energy to type it out.

Later Foo...
HA.

Friday, August 05, 2011

Friday Groove

It's felt like a pretty long week, with the heat, I have not had a very easy time waking up in the mornings. Nonetheless, it's finally Friday!

Guess you could say that I am doing an "okay" job of picking back up on the blog, even though I am merely posting a few scattered thoughts as I go along. Every day I learn to accept and love myself a little more, and more and enjoy the fact that the only person's opinion that matters about my thoughts, actions how I choose to live my life is ME. =)

Video thought for the day, SHAKE YO HEAD!!!

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Summertime Blues

The winds blow hot and ill in Memphis, the temps are literally at 99 - 101 degrees Fahrenheit (Heat Indices of 112-113+ notwithstanding). So we live our daily lives, trying not to pulverize one another, especially during times of road rage in our boiling, humid wonderland.


Right now, it's early, and so quiet the only noise for me is the ticking sound of my own typing. This is the time of day that I have to cherish as quiet time for me is a super-rare commodity... Just don't get enough!!

I sometimes wonder how we get ourselves into the situations we do, how our lives really come to this, and why some of us fell prey to the proverbial 'wrong turn at Albuquerque', as I always like to say.

Seriously, is ANYONE out there as happy as they seem? I look around me and other people seem to have everything they want, or things just fall in their laps, their greatest desires come true. I, on the other hand feel like I am constantly on my knees with folded hands, begging.

Sweeeeeeeeet Summer.

Video thought of the day:

Summertime Blues - Blue Cheer

Monday, August 01, 2011

Daily Grind

Being the first of the month, I thought I'd give it a try, to start off the new month trying to write more. Maybe I can throw down a few thoughts, even if they're not "Novel Worthy", who says my blog posts have to be that earth shattering? It's just thoughts. No of course I can't voice my real mind here, but I can at least take the pressure off.

2011 has really zoomed by, and I swear I haven't made much progress on solving any of my issues, problems of the heart or made many positive changes. It's the 8th month of this year, and I'm still feeling about the same as I did on New Year's Eve when we started this joker.

Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of great days, and feel blessed and thankful for many experiences that make me smile and give my spirit true joy. They're not mine to keep though, they're not permanent, just temporary honeysuckle breezes, I have to inhale and commit them to memory so I can hold on to the feeling.

I've missed the boat in this lifetime, that's become pretty clear to me. These little canoes just keep flipping over and leaving me struggling to grasp for shore, and gasping for air. I'm blaming nobody but myself, and not asking for any advice or anyone's two cents, I'm just venting.

Jax Video Thought of the Day:

Never stop loving you baby by Carla Thomas



That's Monday...
Jax

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Fixin Ta

I'm about to begin blogging again, and I'm working as we speak on a new post. It has been a busy week at work though so my efforts have continuously been thwarted.

However, I ran across something today that inspired me, so I think I might find my inspiration to get back to writing more. It's not that I haven't wanted to, it's just been so hard to juggle creative time with everything that stifles me.

I'm not really in a 'funk' any longer, I feel fine, I'm just taking things moment to moment. Apologies to those of you who have missed me or worried about me, and also Thank you. You're appreciated greatly.

Now, please stay tuned. AJ will be right back after these messages...

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

June Bugs

In an effort to glean a bit of inspiration for June, I filtered through some of my past writings, I have had quite a few poetic moments on this blog. I realize how badly my posts as of late surely pale in comparison. Believe me, some of my thoughts and moments could compete, but I can't publish it all. You will simply have to wait for my autobiography to be published. :)

This year is definitely zooming by, I feel like we just got through New Year's and already six months have evaporated before our very eyes. It has been an emotionally up and down time, sometimes I feel like I'm just floating helplessly in a creaky little boat on a stormy sea, but I'm hanging on to the boat, not the shore, popping my Dramamine and doing my best to ride the waves.

Everything comes gradually at its appointed hour, there's a bigger picture and plan. So, we keep on rolling along.

Shouts out today to Richie, it's his birthday and I hope he has a good one, still do my best to be a good friend and share the love as always, though we've been through a lot.

Ok well that about wraps up my thoughts for the day as it's all I have time for right now, maybe I will continue to ascend to bigger and better posts again, hang with me.

Happy June.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Where I Want To Stay

There Are Days I Don't Feel Strong, When I've Given My Love To The Last Drop, and My Hand of Friendship I've Extended So Far It Is Sprained And Sore, and I Feel So Empty. I Give of Myself, Not Expecting Return, But Sometimes Even I Deserve A Refill. :-(

Thanks, my blog friends who send me little notes trying to do just that... You are loved back. I'm sorry that I am not so strong, as some days are harder than others. Some of those days I feel like writing it out, here, and some I just don't dare.

I wrote a poem today... It goes a little something like this:

I cut open my heart
and allow you to look upon
the very beat of it;
Raw, fresh and blood-laden
my pain belongs
to me, and me alone--
For the beat of my heart,
it has no Home...
and loneliness is
a dark and dreary shack
where I rest
my head, for now.
As my weary eyes
watch in wonder
while another bright sunrise
fades into a stormy night,
I scramble for a flicker
trying to hold on to the light.
If by chance,
I can close one eye
to sleep right where I lay,
It is you who lives
inside my dreams,
where I want to stay...
where I want to stay.

<3 <3 <3

Thursday, May 05, 2011

Alive and Kicking

I'm taking things slowly but surely, as in baby steps... Here I am posting again rather quickly! Although I don't have a lot to say right this moment, except that I am glad that the weekend is near, I dropped by to let you all know that I'm Alive and Kicking... It is what it is, and I am working on it all. I'll keep you posted. ;-)

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Cursed

Still not doing so well on the blogging, I am trying though. I just can't muster up enough to say but I haven't given up, so don't give up on me.

Today I post this song, as it is how I feel at the moment. Sometimes we love people, and they don't or cannot return the favor, but love given is never lost and I know that. When I DO love, it is with all of my heart, full-force, and it is REAL. Still, throughout our lives we have all experienced unrequited love and it sucks.



Here are the lyrics to the song for lazy people, or those who don't like the style of music. The artist is "Vivian Green", the song is called "Cursed". Have a day. :-|

"Cursed"

I'm cursed with loving you baby
It hurts cause you'll never know it
I was put here to hopelessly love you
And you ain't thinking of me
that's the torture I go through

It's been a long long time now
And I'm still trying to get you out
of my head, of my heart, of my whole damn soul
This love is still lingering it's getting old
But it ain't dying, it's not even trying
And I can't fight it, I just bury it
at the bottom hoping you might find
You are my love, were my first
And now this love is just a curse
Oh, Yeah

I'm cursed with loving you baby
It hurts cause you'll never know it
I was put here to hopelessly love you
And you ain't thinking of me
that's the torture I go through

I don't know why I even called,
Thinking our time has come again
Cause the first time wasn't right
No we were too young
I was too serious, you wanted to have fun
And now I look at us and see
How good it could be
If we could only get past the past
And see... That the love we had is there
if we try it could last.

I'll be always loving you,
I'll be always loving you,
No matter what or where...
I'll always care!

< 3 > L 4 L

Friday, March 18, 2011

Lost In The Shuffle

Well I am slowly but surely trying to pick up and come by and post. I still haven't had enough time to get everything packed into one day that I need lately. Still under a few different fogs. I'm trying though. Richie's grandmother passed away yesterday, and there have been a multitude of work projects weighing down.

I thought I would pop in quickly and just say hello to my wonderful readers who have thought enough to stick around even though my absence has been longer than I intend most days. The weekend is here, this is Friday so why not have a very sexy, romantic song to put us all in a steamy mood for the weekend... or not. Still, I do love this song, "Lost In You" by Tank.



Whatever you do this weekend, enjoy and stay safe (especially anyone who's doing left-over St. Patty celebrations).

Thursday, March 03, 2011

Bold As Love

Do you guys even read this crap? Dunno, maybe the right person who needs it will get something from reading it.

Being "Back" as I said before, is still a bit of a hit and miss for me. It's not been for a lack of trying, and I still hope to get back to writing a lot more. As with anything, it's a process and we have to take it one day at a time. I'm not going to lie, there have been many things in my life that were probably more than noteworthy over the last few months, but unfortunately they are things I just can't write about publicly. They're things that are best-kept to my private journals, which don't actually exist mind you, but I really should go back to writing my journals. I think it would help me immensely.

I guess life is all about changes. Sometimes they're good, and they feel fantastic, and sometimes they feel like someone took a lead pipe to your knee caps and ripped out your liver with a fork. But we have to go through them, and we have to sit and take what comes our way and either sink or learn to swim, quickly.

I don't want to drown, believe me, and sometimes lately I have felt like I was drowning. It sucks the big one.

Love is a big part of who I am, and I have such a great amount of love in my heart to give, it's not even funny. So for it to go to waste, that hurts me immensely. Some days I am able to keep a smile on my face, and others I just feel like giving up altogether. I am in pain.

O.k., so when do we know when to really throw in the towel? Or do we throw in the towel? When is the time right to cut our losses and stop trying to pick up the same old broken pieces off the floor, and cut ourselves trying to put it all back together?

To me, love is bold, love is unafraid, love can conquer anything. 'Love doesn't quit, and never gives up.' Right? Right. Real love wins out, it comes back to you when you let it go, we're not supposed to have to sweat any of the "small stuff", and it's not supposed to be this hard!

I'm just trying to be a little bit more like Love I guess.

Take it away Jimi!


A few quotes that may further illustrate what's on my heart today I guess...

"You say that love is nonsense. ... I tell you it is no such thing. For weeks and months it is a steady physical pain, an ache about the heart, never leaving one, by night or by day; a long strain on one's nerves like toothache or rheumatism, not intolerable at any one instant, but exhausting by its steady drain on the strength." ~Henry Brooks Adams

"In our ludicrous efforts to 'change' and be perfect, we try to fashion a perfect world for ourselves. We start to imagine that we are actually in control of our world, which is further from reality than an all-parrot moon landing. The universe, our universe, is out of our control. We live on a speck drifting around in an infinite vacuum with countless trillions of other specks. Our world is in a perpetual state of perfect chaos and entropy, with everything falling apart and dying and being born haphazardly. Meanwhile, we try to make life as neat and clean and orderly as a computer research facility, when in fact it is more like a junkyard. It always has been, and it always will be, no matter how much fussing and sweating and striving we do to make it different." ~Robert White

"Always remember to slow down in life; live, breathe, and learn; take a look around you whenever you have time and never forget everything and every person that has the least place within your heart."

"I seldom end up where I wanted to go, but almost always end up where I need to be."

...And to YOU, and you know who you are... I Love You forever even if that means nothing at all, or if it helps you to be happy, good. I want that, I do, so don't get it twisted. If it's not possible for you to be truly happy with ME, just at least go and be truly happy.

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

The B**** Is Back

Oh yes, things have been quiet around the Forrest for a good little while. You could hear the crickets, and I haven't said much lately, but I'm back and intend to get back in action and start writing. So look forward to this, maybe I can pull some interesting stories out of my hat. Meanwhile, as with any good program, we'll be back after a word from our sponsor...