Wednesday, January 27, 2016

How You Doin?

Nothing much going on today, I am just doing a little reading, catching up and trying to get more job leads. I do enjoy the time off, but I am no fool, I know I have to work for a living. I have been submitting resumes and I have a few bites, so I hope something will pan out soon.

Since re-opening this, my original blog, I'm wondering how everyone is doing. Are you guys out there? Still reading, writing? I'm trying to check back by on everyone and see who's still activated and current, and who's still long gone.

If you are new or old to this blog, still, feel free to leave me a comment. Let me know you're out there. Let's all get back to writing more. It is doing me some good, and I think I am doing better... at least from expressing myself. As for life, well, I am still forced to take that moment to moment.

Here's mud in your eye ;-)

Jax (Aunt Jackie)

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Fast Cars and Freedom

Growing up, my life was more like Creeping Cars and Curfews because my parents were the over-protective, God-fearing type. As much faith as they said they walked in, my Mom was always convinced that I was going to die in a fiery crash, or choke on a spaghetti noodle and be lost to this world tragically and forever. Dad helped out by always accompanying me to buy cars, ensuring that I had the slowest one on the road. I always tried to tell them that you could be sitting in your living room, hiding from the world and if it was your time to go, a plane could come flying in and crush you, and that you could no more cause it to happen (unless you're the suicidal type) than you could run away from it if your number was up. The spaghetti noodle would know where to find you if it was your time to go.

Even so, I still found my way into trouble more often than not, but I learned how to keep it hidden and somehow by grace itself never found my way into any trouble that I couldn't get out of thus far. So I have had my share of faster rides, but never quite caught the bug for speed. My addiction became more the risk of getting your heart crushed than your body.

Yes I have always been in love with love.

Now, my music tastes, they vary. My iPod playlists are eclectic and then some. While I am not the biggest fan of country music, I will occasionally visit if I hear something that evokes emotion or brings back a memory. I am drawn in first by chords and notes that touch my soul, and then the words that ignite my heart.

Though my luck in love has been primarily ill-fated, I still dream and hold out hope that one day someone will come along that expresses themselves like the music that I so escape to when I am hurting.

These days, it is so rare for someone to even tell the truth or express what's in their heart, much less compare what they see in you, or their affections for you to some mental oil painting that lights you aflame.

For instance, the following is from the well-known Rascall Flatts song:

Starin' at you takin' off your makeup
Wondering why you even put it on
I know you think you do but, baby, you don't need it
Wish that you could see what I see it when it's gone
I see a dust trail following an old red Nova
Baby blue eyes, your head on my shoulder
Wait, baby, don't move, right there it is
T-shirt hanging off a dogwood branch
That river was cold, but we gave love a chance
Yeah, yeah, to me
You don't look a day over fast cars and freedom
That sunset river bank first time feeling
Yeah, smile and shake your head as if you don't believe me
I'll just sit right here and let you take me back
I'm on that gravel road, look at me
On my way to pick you up; you're standing on the front porch
Looking just like that, remember that?
I see a dust trail following an old red Nova
Baby blue eyes, your head on my shoulder
Wait, baby, don't move, right there it is
T-shirt hanging off a dogwood branch
That river was cold, but we gave love a chance
Yeah, yeah, to me
You don't look a day over fast cars and freedom
That sunset river bank first time feeling...

Now, I have never had anyone write a song for me (not that I know of), but if I did, I don't think I could resist a man who equated seeing me take my make-up off (after assuring me that I don't need it at all) to a dust trail, an old muscle car, my eyes, my affections and obviously profound firsts and feelings that captured his manly, cold steel heart and transformed it into the fiery crash of a love that ran so hot it could have been the death of our hearts, but giving it a chance and taking that risk because he saw it was worth it. 

Yes, when that spaghetti noodle of love comes calling, there is not much you can do to escape it, you're most likely going to strangle on it and die, but if you should somehow survive, you might get lucky and pass the test of time, hopefully not looking like what you've been through. Some of you may just have to settle for looking not a day over some mid-sized, normal speed sport utility vehicle. As for me? I'll stay not a day over Fast Cars and Freedom, thank you.

Then again, maybe I am just a dreamer, like my Dad always said with my head too far in the clouds. But hey, I like the view.

Friday, January 15, 2016

"Getting it Right This Time"

Well, I'm blowing the dust off my original blog and seeing what I can do. I'm not going to blow up the post with any promises or jibber jabber about how I always neglect or fall off my creative endeavors, sick of listening to myself. So I'm just going to blog, journal, write and create. I don't do resolutions, but I'm going to hold myself accountable for doing at least a little bit of creating, creativity, etc daily.

So when I decided to physically begin "Journaling" again (not to be confused with Blogging), I was advised by a friend to do this by hand in ink, actually write it out not just type journal entries, because she said the "majick" and the therapy, what I needed out of this part of my writing was in the handwriting. This doesn't mean I can't share once in a while what I did journal, even if I realize it's mostly supposed to be for myself, personal work not for public, I am just so awesome, sometimes I need to share. Yes I enjoy writing and having people comment and chime in.

So, what started out as my first "journal entry" in this reanimated endeavor was something I just really felt like sharing digitally as well. So, without further ado, I give you the digital copy of my first hand-written journal entry this 15th day of January, 2016.

"Getting it Right This Time"

I'm not quite sure how to begin. I called Kim to tell her I am about to "officially" begin this hand written journaling thing. I guess I get so caught up in trying to make it very noteworthy, like I am writing to an audience that I actually had to sit and rationalize how to write for just me. Then I began to think-- even that thought itself put restrictions on what I was doing. The point of this is to relax and let it flow. I realized that I write like this naturally, as if I am always talking to somebody, which I am. Besides the fact that I am (without question) NEVER alone, thanks to my "God Posse" (i.e., God, Spirit Guides, Angels), but most likely one day, the chances are really good that I will be gone and someone somewhere will actually find this. Therefore, it is perfect for me... writing and making it good is something I do that I do for myself, it makes me :-) HAPPY. Plus, I like thinking it made someone else happy too (hence the love for feedback). So I give myself permission to be too picky here (OCD if you will). This is MY STORY. =) -->

Okay, so the title of this piece referred to getting the date right, as first I wrote 1/15/15, then I wrote 1/16/16 lol! Weird, but okay. So I don't get a lot of things right, so? This lifetime has become somewhat of a TESTAMENT to me basically fucking up (that's right, it's my journal I can cuss if I want to). I hope to someday stop fucking up, of course, but it's highly unlikely given the fact that this hellhole of a place is Earth and I am wearing this ridiculous, heavy and completely awkward "Human" costume. So all I can do is try my best. I am and have always been great at starting things. However, I'm not so good with finishing those things, but I am going to make my best effort to keep journaling, writing and working my creations.

More than likely, I'll go down in history for never finishing much of anything, or maybe win the award for "World's Greatest Procrastinator". Furthermore, I may never die because I will keep putting it off until the next day. However, if I do happen to "Kick the ol' proverbial bucket", effectively completing this magically delicious level of life I somehow roped myself into, my tombstone will probably say "Here lies Jax. She finally finished something she started."

Well there you have it, another awesome word from the one and only, ME.