Thursday, October 18, 2018

Both Sides Now

I missed posting for my Dad's birthday, August 29th.. and some others. The weeks are just blurring together. I'm once again looking for work, and my self esteem is at an all time low. I feel like crud (emotionally).

Have been in a weird phase lately, trying to stay afloat, trying to find some sort of motivation, some sort of inspiration, but it never comes.

I'm struggling, and it is not letting up just yet, even though I feel like I've been waiting for that "light at the end of the tunnel" for nearly a decade now. That's one ridiculously long tunnel.

All I want is to feel secure again, and to have a reliable job to go to, a long-term "permanent" job doing what I love, which is web development-related, creative. Is that so much to ask? I'm so sick of getting the rejection letters from companies.

All I need is a foot in the door to prove that I can be great.

This downward spiral has to have an expiration date.

I swear I have done my time x 10... Isn't there anybody else (like some evil souls) in the universe (rapists, child molesters, murderers) that can take over this misery for a while? This is ridiculous, I deserve some joy in this life, and for once for everything not to be snatched away from me.


Sunday, August 26, 2018

Jealous

Just on a music kick tonight, and I had forgotten about this song, which speaks so much.

"Jealous" by Labrinth

I'm jealous of the rain
That falls upon your skin
It's closer than my hands have been
I'm jealous of the rain
I'm jealous of the wind
That ripples through your clothes
It's closer than your shadow
Oh, I'm jealous of the wind
'Cause I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me
I'm jealous of the nights
That I don't spend with you
I'm wondering who you lay next to
Oh, I'm jealous of the nights
I'm jealous of the love
Love that was in here
Gone for someone else to share
Oh, I'm jealous of the love
'Cause I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me
As I sink in the sand
Watch you slip through my hands
Oh, as I die here another day, yeah
'Cause all I do is cry behind this smile
I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me
I-I-It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me

*sobs silently*

Tuesday, August 21, 2018

Electric Blue

My emotions have been "running amok" lately. That's nothing new, to be honest, I think I have lived my life on an emotional roller coaster of my own engineering. My belief is that it is something I revel in, rather than feel guilty about. My emotions and I have a very tight and loving relationship. Even when it is overflowing in a huge vat of depression, I am proud of the fact that I feel so deeply, and am also able to express what's on my heart and mind (most of the time). I sometimes feel sorry for people who hold everything in. You never know what is going to happen from one day to the next, I would much rather have said what I need to say, and let people know how I feel about them rather than let something happen and they not know.

Now this doesn't always apply to times when I need to let people know how badly they have hurt or are hurting me. For some reason, I am not so good at this, although I think it bears equal importance. It is something I am working through in therapy. That's something I haven't written about here on my blog yet, my beginning therapy a couple of months back. I was going through so much, that I was reacting in a way that was only causing myself more issues in my relationships with people. I can have a tendency to get "passive aggressive" or act out and push peoples' buttons, I guess you could say. However, in the same vein of what I spoke of, "letting people know they have hurt or are hurting me", I know it is something I have to learn how to do, but I guess I don't know how to do it in a healthy, 'up front' way. So this is my challenge. Finding ways to express that someone is hurting me, or that I am unhappy with a situation or behavior without being passive-aggressive, and without also worrying that being honest about those things will cause them to leave me or desert me. I'm realizing that I have "abandonment" issues, and I don't really understand why.

At any rate, I started keeping a little "feelings diary" where my intent was to hand write how I'm feeling each day. Of course, if you know me, you know I am terrible in my ability to do something consistently on a daily basis, hence my significant gaps in writing here on my blog and/or writing much in general (something I beat myself up for).

I kind of liked the one I wrote today, and I thought I would share it here.

(Imagine the following as hand-written and scribbled in a medium-sized notebook):

--begin journal entry--

"MEH... Tuesday, August 21, 2018 

 I'm still listening to "The Time Traveler's Wife" on audio book in my car; Like I need more things to make me wish I could time travel. I am feeling wistful today, missing my Mom... Dad too, but there are just times when a little girl needs her Mama. (insert hand drawn heart)


I am an orphan. (insert hand drawn sad face)

I selected a really crap life this go-round (if we were free to choose). I wish I could take it to the dealership and leave out with a Ferrari. I deserve a "Ferrari Life". Nobody deserves this "beat up Pinto life"... well I can think of a few... but I am not supposed to be ugly and hateful. I wish Karma was a faster, meaner bitch and that Life had a "Lemon Law".  -Jax

Aw... this should've been a blog post... Ha! (insert hand drawn smiley face)

(then at the bottom of the page, there is a rectangular section with the following caption):

Moments that inspire you:

(I wrote) Watching birds go about their busy work and looking at orange juice skies with lovely, fluffy shape-shifting clouds (insert hand drawn heart)"

--end of journal entry--

So as you can see, I'm swimming in a lot of feelings this week, and that's okay. I am tired of the only things bringing me pleasure being food and sleep. It is certainly time for me to get better, heal and find real joy again, but I just don't know how to get there, yet. Don't worry, I am not going to give up, I'm not one of those people.

I just need a little jolt to snap me out of it... perhaps, a little jolt of "Electric Blue"...

 

Also, my friend Kim and I were discussing something very cool on a Sunday 'Girl Day', which I said emphatically, "I'm going to write a blog post about this!!" and then I forgot what it was, so I am brainstorming what we were talking about at the time, and determined to come up with it and that, hopefully, will be my next blog entry... stay tuned ladies and gentlemen (all 1 of you who are probably even reading my crap). I'm trying to get warmed back up...

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

It's About Time

Well yes I am inconsistent. I love to write, wish I wrote for a living, but yet end up with the worst gaps in my posts / writing ever. Then I beat myself up for it because I love writing and want to write, and have regular visitors and readers, etc, but I really don't think people are reading anything I post. Even so, I still write for myself as much as I do others. The feedback is still something I enjoy, and I always wish people would comment and communicate with me more.

Anyway, I figured it was about time for me to toss a post together.

Facebook's reminders told me that it is "National Siblings Day". Really, one of those little known morsels, things we either forget, or they're really not that big, right? Nonetheless, I thought the little tribute I wrote to my sisters last year on this day was worth a re-post / re-link. So here you go, once again, For the Love of Sisters.

I do love my family, we just all have such different lives and things going on that we don't get to see one another that often... well each of us groups off and keeps with their own I guess you could say, so we don't get together and do the BIG family thing like we did when our parents were alive. No, our parents wouldn't be happy about that either... mostly Mom, she was really sensitive about things like that, wanting us to all stick together like glue once she was gone. The fact is we barely saw one another except on holidays anyway before that, so I guess old habits die hard. They're always on my mind and in my heart though.

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Quizás Quizás Quizás

Once again I have been abusing "Tortilla Soup" (meaning I have been watching it every time I see it. I love the music. I love watching Hector Elizondo cook (even though I'm sure it's a stand in on the cooking shots, i'm not sure). However, it's one of my feel good movies. This song puts a smile in my heart. Perhaps... Quizas...

Thursday, February 01, 2018

Chapter 2 of 12

The first month of the year has come and gone, and today is February 1st. Fall really flew by, way too fast in my opinion, and I'm still a little depressed that the holiday season is over, to be honest. I like the lights and the music and the holiday movies. I like imagining that I live in New York like my favorite characters in so many movies that I watch on repeat. Man, I can't even really count how many times I have truly watched some of them, but it's up there.

This was something I was thinking a lot about just the other day, how I watch t.v. shows like "Seinfeld", and "Friends", and movies like "You've Got Mail" that overly-romanticize New York City for me. They make me think, 'Hey I could actually afford to live there, and isn't it glamorous and cool?!' I have often fantasized that I would run a cool, trendy coffee shop and be a part of the art scene. These movies and t.v. shows make it so over-hyped though, it is unfair because I know that would never be my reality. So I am left to my dreams, I guess. As I was saying, though I'm still miffed at how fast the time flies, and how fast last year just zipped past me. Here we are in 'Chapter 2' of 12 effectively, on the first day of the last month of my favorite season (well, it's a toss up between fall and winter, maybe a tie). February has some of the most gorgeous and richly crimson sunsets though, so there's something to look forward to.

Mississippi doesn't offer much in the way of cold weather, so I always hang on tooth and nail to what we do get around these parts... because spring will bloom soon enough, and that's pleasant for about 2 beautiful days, then it just jumps right into the basement of hell in the Mid-South. 50-60 degrees melts into a blazing 100, mud-covered, sweaty degrees, and thus is Southern Living.

Have a sexy February everybody... I'll be back with some sunset snapshots and maybe even some Romantic Comedy stories from my own life to amuse you all with.

(Turns the page)

Jax ;-)

Tuesday, January 02, 2018

Another Year Gone By

No fancy plans, stories or gimmicks really for this post. Just grief for the passing of yet another year gone by. I just thought I would take a moment to reflect and send out my best wishes to all of you, those I know, those I don't know--Anyone who might actually be reading this, which I doubt is anybody at all, but may miraculously be one or two people. If you're reading this, thank you. I try to find reasons to keep blogging and writing, and I know it is silly to want feedback, or some sort of confirmation from others, but just knowing someone reads and appreciates our words, thoughts and feelings (selfishly) does mean a lot to me. I miss having readership, I always enjoyed getting the comments back, but things have changed a lot with blogging. Nobody really does it anymore I guess... or not many. Those who do, it's usually related to a specific project they're working on (as a marketing tool), or it is one of those blogs where you already have a huge following, and you report on products, or nightlife and culture of your city. So I'm kinda on my own here, I know it, and that's just how it is.

Still, though it probably serves more as a journal type tool for me, I'll continue to write as if I am reaching someone.

As I said above, time has really just flown by. It depresses me greatly, and though I try to stay upbeat (given all of the issues I've been through, health, life and otherwise), I still struggle daily because it is just really hard sometimes to keep pressing on with optimism. Each day that I wake up, I am grateful, and I have to just sit up from my bed, put my feet on the floor and force myself to get up and get going. I try to take it one day at a time (moment to moment really) and do the most I can each day. That is all any of us can do.

Yet the passage of time, how fast things are speeding really still gets to me. I wish I didn't feel this way. I really don't want to be one of those people who can't stop obsessing over the past, the 'good ole days', wanting terribly to find the time machine and go back to before the world went wrong, and always aching with that feeling of wanting to go 'Home' (after all, as Thomas Wolfe immortalized best, 'You Can't Go Home Again').

But I am and will probably always be, one of those people.

Happy New Year Everybody.

“Child, child, have patience and belief, for life is many days, and each present hour will pass away. Son, son, you have been mad and drunken, furious and wild, filled with hatred and despair, and all the dark confusions of the soul - but so have we. You found the earth too great for your one life, you found your brain and sinew smaller than the hunger and desire that fed on them - but it has been this way with all men. You have stumbled on in darkness, you have been pulled in opposite directions, you have faltered, you have missed the way, but, child, this is the chronicle of the earth. And now, because you have known madness and despair, and because you will grow desperate again before you come to evening, we who have stormed the ramparts of the furious earth and been hurled back, we who have been maddened by the unknowable and bitter mystery of love, we who have hungered after fame and savored all of life, the tumult, pain, and frenzy, and now sit quietly by our windows watching all that henceforth never more shall touch us - we call upon you to take heart, for we can swear to you that these things pass.”
― Thomas Wolfe, You Can't Go Home Again

Related Link(s):
Why Time Feels Like It's Flying By and How to Slow It Down