Thursday, October 18, 2018

Both Sides Now

I missed posting for my Dad's birthday, August 29th.. and some others. The weeks are just blurring together. I'm once again looking for work, and my self esteem is at an all time low. I feel like crud (emotionally).

Have been in a weird phase lately, trying to stay afloat, trying to find some sort of motivation, some sort of inspiration, but it never comes.

I'm struggling, and it is not letting up just yet, even though I feel like I've been waiting for that "light at the end of the tunnel" for nearly a decade now. That's one ridiculously long tunnel.

All I want is to feel secure again, and to have a reliable job to go to, a long-term "permanent" job doing what I love, which is web development-related, creative. Is that so much to ask? I'm so sick of getting the rejection letters from companies.

All I need is a foot in the door to prove that I can be great.

This downward spiral has to have an expiration date.

I swear I have done my time x 10... Isn't there anybody else (like some evil souls) in the universe (rapists, child molesters, murderers) that can take over this misery for a while? This is ridiculous, I deserve some joy in this life, and for once for everything not to be snatched away from me.


Sunday, August 26, 2018

Jealous

Just on a music kick tonight, and I had forgotten about this song, which speaks so much.

"Jealous" by Labrinth

I'm jealous of the rain
That falls upon your skin
It's closer than my hands have been
I'm jealous of the rain
I'm jealous of the wind
That ripples through your clothes
It's closer than your shadow
Oh, I'm jealous of the wind
'Cause I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me
I'm jealous of the nights
That I don't spend with you
I'm wondering who you lay next to
Oh, I'm jealous of the nights
I'm jealous of the love
Love that was in here
Gone for someone else to share
Oh, I'm jealous of the love
'Cause I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me
As I sink in the sand
Watch you slip through my hands
Oh, as I die here another day, yeah
'Cause all I do is cry behind this smile
I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me
I-I-It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me

*sobs silently*

Tuesday, August 21, 2018

Electric Blue

My emotions have been "running amok" lately. That's nothing new, to be honest, I think I have lived my life on an emotional roller coaster of my own engineering. My belief is that it is something I revel in, rather than feel guilty about. My emotions and I have a very tight and loving relationship. Even when it is overflowing in a huge vat of depression, I am proud of the fact that I feel so deeply, and am also able to express what's on my heart and mind (most of the time). I sometimes feel sorry for people who hold everything in. You never know what is going to happen from one day to the next, I would much rather have said what I need to say, and let people know how I feel about them rather than let something happen and they not know.

Now this doesn't always apply to times when I need to let people know how badly they have hurt or are hurting me. For some reason, I am not so good at this, although I think it bears equal importance. It is something I am working through in therapy. That's something I haven't written about here on my blog yet, my beginning therapy a couple of months back. I was going through so much, that I was reacting in a way that was only causing myself more issues in my relationships with people. I can have a tendency to get "passive aggressive" or act out and push peoples' buttons, I guess you could say. However, in the same vein of what I spoke of, "letting people know they have hurt or are hurting me", I know it is something I have to learn how to do, but I guess I don't know how to do it in a healthy, 'up front' way. So this is my challenge. Finding ways to express that someone is hurting me, or that I am unhappy with a situation or behavior without being passive-aggressive, and without also worrying that being honest about those things will cause them to leave me or desert me. I'm realizing that I have "abandonment" issues, and I don't really understand why.

At any rate, I started keeping a little "feelings diary" where my intent was to hand write how I'm feeling each day. Of course, if you know me, you know I am terrible in my ability to do something consistently on a daily basis, hence my significant gaps in writing here on my blog and/or writing much in general (something I beat myself up for).

I kind of liked the one I wrote today, and I thought I would share it here.

(Imagine the following as hand-written and scribbled in a medium-sized notebook):

--begin journal entry--

"MEH... Tuesday, August 21, 2018 

 I'm still listening to "The Time Traveler's Wife" on audio book in my car; Like I need more things to make me wish I could time travel. I am feeling wistful today, missing my Mom... Dad too, but there are just times when a little girl needs her Mama. (insert hand drawn heart)


I am an orphan. (insert hand drawn sad face)

I selected a really crap life this go-round (if we were free to choose). I wish I could take it to the dealership and leave out with a Ferrari. I deserve a "Ferrari Life". Nobody deserves this "beat up Pinto life"... well I can think of a few... but I am not supposed to be ugly and hateful. I wish Karma was a faster, meaner bitch and that Life had a "Lemon Law".  -Jax

Aw... this should've been a blog post... Ha! (insert hand drawn smiley face)

(then at the bottom of the page, there is a rectangular section with the following caption):

Moments that inspire you:

(I wrote) Watching birds go about their busy work and looking at orange juice skies with lovely, fluffy shape-shifting clouds (insert hand drawn heart)"

--end of journal entry--

So as you can see, I'm swimming in a lot of feelings this week, and that's okay. I am tired of the only things bringing me pleasure being food and sleep. It is certainly time for me to get better, heal and find real joy again, but I just don't know how to get there, yet. Don't worry, I am not going to give up, I'm not one of those people.

I just need a little jolt to snap me out of it... perhaps, a little jolt of "Electric Blue"...

 

Also, my friend Kim and I were discussing something very cool on a Sunday 'Girl Day', which I said emphatically, "I'm going to write a blog post about this!!" and then I forgot what it was, so I am brainstorming what we were talking about at the time, and determined to come up with it and that, hopefully, will be my next blog entry... stay tuned ladies and gentlemen (all 1 of you who are probably even reading my crap). I'm trying to get warmed back up...