Deep In The Forrest

Dear Me Living in 2016,  Felt some sort of an S.O.S. call, and it took me a minute to figure out which one of us was in need of our support. Turns out that it is you, so I hope this does not arrive to you too late. After realizing that our birthday was here (YESTERDAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ME!!), it all came to me. Yes, I know that you probably don't think that your 16 year old self could be of much wisdom or assistance in crises of 'adult affairs', but I think you will remember that our highest self is pretty much one in the same, so while I might not yet know everything I need to know, I guess I am being used to convey what is needed (don't shoot the messenger)!!! (You love exclamation points, remember?) Okay, so I wasn't told the exact circumstances or events or dates of things that have happened in your life. I haven't been told "TMI" ha-ha!! (Too Much Information) because of the affect it might have on me, but I was just told you needed a word from...

The winds blow hot and ill in Memphis, the temps are literally at 99 - 101 degrees Fahrenheit (Heat Indices of 112-113+ notwithstanding). So we live our daily lives, trying not to pulverize one another, especially during times of road rage in our boiling, humid wonderland. Right now, it's early, and so quiet the only noise for me is the ticking sound of my own typing. This is the time of day that I have to cherish as quiet time for me is a super-rare commodity... Just don't get enough!! I sometimes wonder how we get ourselves into the situations we do, how our lives really come to this, and why some of us fell prey to the proverbial 'wrong turn at Albuquerque', as I always like to say. Seriously, is ANYONE out there as happy as they seem? I look around me and other people seem to have everything they want, or things just fall in their laps, their greatest desires come true. I, on the other hand feel like I am constantly on my knees with folded hands, begging. Sweeeeeeee...

I know I have really taken a dive lately in the way of my blogging, but I seriously have had too much going on in all areas of my life to think straight, or think of much to blog about, or much that I can blog about too. No matter, I am still around and I am not quitting, just having to collect thoughts and do some soul searching, rejuvenate and regroup I guess. No fear, you can't keep Aunt Jackie down for long... just fun low on fuel every once in a while. So this is Labor Day weekend, and it's passing off faster than it was supposed to. There is no "True Blood" this weekend, so my B.F.F., Tamra and I are not happy about that. :) Means we don't get to have our usual Day-after True Blood discussions, plus when it returns next week for the finale, we will be disappointed it's over and have to wait until next summer to get the next season. Crazy sounding, I know. But it's one of those shows for us. Enjoy whatever you are doing this weekend to celebrate your...

I used to feel like a bad assed bitch. I really did. Doesn't seem like such a long time ago. But nowadays I feel so empty inside about so many things. I manage to fake myself through my daily grind, but deep down I miss the person I was inside and outside a few years back. When I listen to all of the songs, they give me glimmer of hope and a spark of what was, and I miss my youth terribly and feel sick to my stomach. The fault is all my own. I have been lazy and afraid of change. I have lost my ability to be spontaneous and enjoy life for what it is worth, day to day. My philosophies about it, and my desires about it haven't changed. Way deep down, I am still the same person, but I can't seem to reach her, or break out and be free. I just don't know what to do anymore. Still trying to play catch up and make the time to get around to everyone's blogs and see what's going on. I am sorry for being so absent lately. I am trying... Feeling down all of a sudden, sorry...

I want to forget everything that has happened the last days, weeks, months. Just get back to "normal". But I can't kid myself, that's not possible. The man who is so much a part of me, and who I am, what I act like, sometimes look like, well... he's gone. Spiritually, of course, he'll always be around. I could look at it as having one more to watch over me, and also that I know he is happier and feels better than he has in a long time. But I still can't help feeling cheated by having him actually gone, and nothing will ever be the same again. I nearly posted several times over the weekend, but I just couldn't seem to do it. I lacked the energy, inspiration, and maybe it was all more than I realized. I can't get all my thoughts together here, but I will probably be detailing more of my thoughts as of late along the way so bear with me. I'll still try to entertain if I can. :) The service went fine. It was the most "personable" one I th...

Ain't Life Grand? "Dirty Blvd - Lou Reed" (Click these links if you can't view video) >>Live Version (good) >>Best Version for Audio Pedro lives out of the Wilshire hotel He looks out a window without glass The walls are made of cardboard, newspapers on his feet His father beats him cause hes too tired to beg Hes got 9 brothers and sisters They're brought up on their knees Its hard to run when a coat hanger beats you on the thighs Pedro dreams of being older and killing the old man But thats a slim chance hes going to the boulevard Hes going to end up, on the dirty boulevard Hes going out, to the dirty boulevard Hes going down, to the dirty boulevard This room cost 2,000 dollars a month You can believe it man its true Somewhere a landlords laughing till he wets his pants No one here dreams of being a doctor or a lawyer or anything They dream of dealing on the dirty boulevard Give me your hungry, your tired your poor Ill piss on em Thats what the statue...

Stay tuned, here's my ideas, thoughts, you know... the Monday blurb. I don't think I'm ever going to mature any further, and I don't believe that I was ever really meant to be domesticated. I always feel that wild hair to go running, screaming naked through a big field... in the middle of nowhere. (Not literally, I guess I mean that as an analogy for feeling restless and wild all the time). I know this would've never been great news to my family, who worries when someone doesn't settle down and manufacture the chitlins. Well, I was rolling along quite well (so I thought), hit a speed bump, rolled off Life's highway and landed on the alter, oddly after I turned 31. We've never started a chitlin business, and I don't really plan on it... I don't see anything wrong with that, I don't feel that parenting is for everyone. I also think the world could really use more people who actually give parenting great thought as opposed to just irresponsibly...

I'm supposed to be feeling so festive right about now. I have been trying, I really have. I guess I'm just not trying hard enough. I stepped into a bath that was actually hotter than I could stand this morning, and I forced myself to endure the temperature so that I could try to wake up and feel like one of the living. As I lay back soaking, I thought to myself "This is the most comfortable and care-free I am going to feel all day long", and I simply didn't want to get out and face it all today. But I did anyway, just like we all have to [most of the time]. I don't really feel free to blog in detail about it, but I am increasingly worried about my parents these days. My father's health, and his episodes and care are taking a toll on my Mother and she is not an easy one to talk to or try to help. She's always near tears, and sounding sick. However, I myself am sick with worry and don't know what to do, or what's going to happen... But I feel as...

Last night went o.k... just went to a local microbrewery and chilled, had a bite to eat and then went next door to a Karaoke bar... of course I sang 3 songs, as we were trying to get Richie's friend Justin to sing a song in the style of "Cartman" from South Park, which he eventually obliged... it drew quite a response. Then we went back to his place and watched him play Guitar Hero... then finally we came back home and crashed out, maybe about 4:00 a.m. So Sunday night: Just reflecting here, relaxing and watching some videos of Mike Patton , one more musician who takes me 'back in the day'. He's had so many cool projects... Not everyone "gets" Mike Patton, but for those who do, he rules. Today was rainy and relaxing in that way but in the other ways I still don't quite know what the meaning of this life is. I think I know sometimes, and I think I'm on the right trail, but then I realize that I am just an extra cog that could neither make or b...