Close Encounters of the Dork Kind

Happy Friday the 13th / Dorkteenth. Yes, that's right it's finally here. So go enjoy it and watch for the freaky things that you might see all day long. There's a magical feeling in the air, and I think it's going to be a memorable Friday... even if it is just because I posted one big dorky story to remember. It's not too late for you to get involved and post your very own Dork story in honor of this big day.

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As a child, I technically had older siblings, but they were already grown and out on their own by the time I was four years old. So, there I was growing up out in the country, pretty-much an "Only Child". My parents did not indulge in cable television, so I had no MTV, I had no HBO or Comedy Channel, or video games. To get those things I usually spent time at my sister, Vickie's house.

Visiting Vickie was a whole exciting adventure for me because it was so different from home, and although they were not exactly "in Memphis" it was close enough to me to feel like a trip to the city.

A great deal of my time was spent playing make believe with the chickens and the horses, singing to the animals, planning weddings for them and weaving this fantasy world that was my childhood.

When my two closest in age nieces, Stacey and Kristie got to come for a visit, I was overjoyed. We would always have the most fun, and I would lead them through my neighborhood of make-believe.

Since kindergarten, I had been "boy crazy", and in fact once I hit first grade and dumped "Little Larry" (my first boyfriend), I moved on to crushes on the older boys.

In fifth grade, I was consumed by mad passionate love for our neighbor's (and subsequently my parents' best friends) son, Ken Coleman. He was a senior with sandy blond hair and grayish blue eyes straight from heaven, his skin was tan and he sported a rich Texas accent. He drove my fifth-grade mind wild and I dreamt of marrying him and becoming Mrs. Ken Coleman. Wrote his name everywhere, on every notebook. Stared at his photograph in the school yearbook (our yearbooks housed 1st through 12th grades).

Since he and his family lived just down the road from us, every once in a while my parents would go and visit them, or they would come visit us and drink coffee, play dominoes and have their adult fun. The good part of when my parents would go to their house was that I had an extreme chance to see Ken.

One particular evening after all of the Christmas fun was over, they invited us over to visit. I was ecstatic! But oh what was I going to wear?? This was my chance to really dazzle him, so I didn't want to look shabby. I had to look like a woman! I picked out my best duds, and tried desperately to untangle my unruly mane of hair. Then I carefully applied my bird's egg blue "Crayola" brand eyeshadow.

I was convinced that I had it going on. I was certain this would blow him away and he would finally realize his love for me.

We arrived. I was extremely nervous. 'What if he wasn't even there?' I thought. I mean, he did have a girlfriend, her name was Lynn (an 11th grader). Maybe they were out on a date or something. So I sat in the living room chair, shaking with anticipation. All of a sudden, he emerged from the Kitchen with a plate of food and looked straight at me and said "Jackie? Do you want some Chicken and Dressin?" (Oh that Texas accent!) But he spoke to me!! He really did!

I managed to pitifully squeak out a "No thank you", quickly looking away as my heart palpitated a thousand times a second it seemed. Had he noticed my make-up?? Maybe he'll sit by me and strike up a conversation. Later, I think Lynn showed up and they went off together and my chance was over.

We went home and I checked my reflection in the bathroom mirror. My trusty, blue "Crayola eyeshadow" had slid completely off one of my eyes, and I only had make-up on the other, so I must've looked like a complete and total Dork! What Ken must think of me now... Not that he ever did before.

A couple of weeks later, we had a pretty good snow storm. My Dad was driving us to town, and we passed Ken, who had driven off the road into the ditch. Since we were on our way, my father pulled over and picked him up. He got into the back seat with me. I was frantic and flushed... I was surely blushing. Ken slid onto the cramped back seat and his leg was touching mine. I could barely move let alone speak. The shame from the Crayola eyeshadow still on my mind, I never uttered a word. The searing warmth of his leg touching mine only fueled my maniacal school-girl crush.

The shame of course, did not end there.

The months went on and finally summer was there. The weather warmed up nicely, and my niece Stacey had come down for a visit. We were outside in the yard making mud cakes (we were working on a special mud cake for the wedding of our geese, I even included horse feed (a.k.a. 'sweet feed') as I knew that the geese would just love that). Such pride we took in the details of our wedding mud cake. We were up to our waists covered in glucky mud when I see a car pulling up our long gravel driveway. Once I was able to make out the car, I wanted to die. It was Ken!!! What the heck was he doing coming over?? What was I going to do? I was so covered in mud I could never face him. He would definitely think I was a hopeless loser now... my chances were over. We run and try to hide, but it was too late, he waved as he was passing. No man in his right mind would marry a chick covered in mud, making mud pies nonetheless.

Ken went into our house, and was gone in all of two minutes. After he left, I went and prodded Mom for the details of why he had come by. She said "Oh, he was coming to borrow some milk for his Mom." (Borrow some milk?? This never happens, and now because Ken's need for milk, my life was ruined!)

What was this Mayberry? He couldn't just drive up to the store like a normal person? We were just 10 minutes from the closest Wal-mart! For Christ's sake, it's all over now. (I sulked)

Some years later, he and Lynn married, had children, and to my knowledge they are still together. As for me, I went on to have more silly little crushes on other poor, unsuspecting guys like Ken... and of course went on to enjoy a very successful career being a big time dork.