Wednesday, June 29, 2016

I Need A Cup Of Tea


I watch the beings of this world run around in these flimsy, fragile costumes we were each assigned with, and well, I often wonder why any of us have come here.

This place is scary, it is the stuff of horror movies and tragedy, where it feels most days like the only thing truly fictional about anything or everything here is its comedy (the amount that exists is minuscule). Things are only funny for a fleeting moment, we're dosed a spoonful of joy or laughter, just long enough to trick us into taking down full force the bitter medicine that follows.

If we truly chose to incarnate here, and take this as some sort of assignment, I really want to know why. I want to go back and see what the other options were, as they must have been unthinkable to have me choose something like this, it can only have been a last resort.

I woke up feeling this way, as my soul is just aching for the comforts of home.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Greetings from Sweet Sixteen

Dear Me Living in 2016,

 Felt some sort of an S.O.S. call, and it took me a minute to figure out which one of us was in need of our support. Turns out that it is you, so I hope this does not arrive to you too late. After realizing that our birthday was here (YESTERDAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ME!!), it all came to me. Yes, I know that you probably don't think that your 16 year old self could be of much wisdom or assistance in crises of 'adult affairs', but I think you will remember that our highest self is pretty much one in the same, so while I might not yet know everything I need to know, I guess I am being used to convey what is needed (don't shoot the messenger)!!!
(You love exclamation points, remember?)

Okay, so I wasn't told the exact circumstances or events or dates of things that have happened in your life. I haven't been told "TMI" ha-ha!! (Too Much Information) because of the affect it might have on me, but I was just told you needed a word from me as you are having a hard time.

I have wondered about you, the things you would do and experience through the years ahead. Are you married, do you have kids? I never thought of myself as a Mom, but I think that I probably do want to have kids at some point, when I meet the right guy. I wish things weren't so hard, like I have a crush on someone but I am always too scared to say or do anything about it. If you think back, I bet you remember who it is. Oh how I wish he would notice me (us) ha-ha!

Well, school is okay, I really don't fit in and don't have a lot of friends really, I mean I have Kathy and Shiree, my two best friends and we are in our own little group. Misfits of some sort. My friend Kim is also great. I enjoy band, for many reasons (smile). We ride around a lot, and hang out, sometimes at the "Tracks", where Kathy's boyfriend Joey and a lot of his friends get together on Fridays or Saturdays.

I don't really make the best grades, but I guess it's not that bad. Art class is my favorite, I really want to go to Memphis College of Art when I graduate. Anyway, nothing else really that interesting about school, and I'm sure you remember it all.

So I don't really know what to say to help, whatever you are going through, it worries me because I can't wait to be an adult and I can't wait to be free of people telling me what to do. Being grown up must be awesome! I guess everyone gets sad at times, but whatever is bothering you, don't worry about it too much. Remember, every time you ever stressed out about something, like a big test or a term paper, or some situation you thought you were going to die over, it always worked out and you felt like so much better after. I always like to play my piano when I am feeling sad, or if Mom and Dad will let me go to town and ride around in the car, I like to do that and listen to my favorite music. If you are still friends with Kim, Kathy or Shiree, or have some other friends, ask them to go to a movie or something. Go eat Pizza and listen to the jukebox like we always do, have some bread sticks (bread sticks or movie theater gummi bears can fix anything)!  :-)

Just a quick note about the birthday, I'm sure you remember the weenie roast Mom had for Sweet Sixteen. She built a fire out in the pasture and a few girls showed up, it was really fun. We got to roast marshmallows and make Smores, and those are so good. Kim also had a Sweet Sixteen party back in May, it was so cool, she had a "50's Theme" because you know she loves 50's music. We had a lot of fun. Supposedly turning 16 is some sort of big deal, but I really don't feel any different than I did at 15. Do you ever feel different as you grow up? I hope not. I want to be like Daddy, a big kid all my life. I hope you at least can do that.

Oh don't forget since it is summer, you can always go stay and hang out at Vickie's house, that never fails to make you feel better. Visit with "The Kids" =) Have fun, do something that you have been too scared to do or something new, being adult nobody can tell you not to. (Oh yeah but you probably have a job ha-ha!) I have still got to live by the rules right now, and sometimes I get really really mad at Mom and Dad, even though I love them.

Well I guess I better wrap this letter up, Shiree called and I have to call her back in a few. I think she wanted to do something tonight. Oh my gosh I am so glad it is summer, I'll be in 11th grade this fall. It seems like High School is forever, I can't wait to graduate and see the world! I hope I really do something that you (we) are proud of. I hope that you feel better, and I hope that whatever it is you are doing, and wherever you are that you are or get back to being truly happy.

Don't know if any of this helped, but just remember I am here when you need me, think of me and I'm right there in your heart. (I'm always so poetic and dramatic hahaha!!) Just BE happy... coz I sure want to. I'm counting on you to remember who we are. Also, deep down I truly know that everything is going to be alright.

Gotta go for now. LYLAS (Love Ya Like a SELF-since you're me you can't be a Sister) :-)

Hope the message gets to you in time for our birthday!
xoxo
Jackie, 16

Monday, June 20, 2016

Air of December

Moving forward, looking to the future with positive thoughts, yet "living in the present", you know, staying in the NOW, that's all people preach. Don't get stuck in your past, it can only hold you back and keep you from living your life and achieving success... blab blab blab. I mean, there is truth to the fact that we need to always "live in the moment" because it is all we have in the palm of our hand, and of course have some aspirations of future dreams to work for as we do so. However, PISH POSH to the idea that reveling in our wonderful memories and keeping them close, thinking of them anytime we need to feel those feelings and remind ourselves of a thing because we need it badly, I don't think that is a bad thing, and I won't apologize for it.

Do you ever panic, though, for just a quick moment while trying to remember something... something they said, a joke they told, or some significant piece if information that they shared once in a distant conversation over coffee quite a long time ago? Because you need to hear it right this second, and they were the only soul that knew this piece of intel, you didn't save it or write it down and you need to ask them so badly, "What was that again?" Only they are not there to ask, and you are left with the knowledge that you can never hear it again. So unless you suddenly and magically remember it, or you happen to hear whatever it was later in life or in an alternate universe somewhere, it is lost forever.

I've done this with my Father's jokes, and important stories about his life, and my Mother's recipes or her little known facts about people about town or members of the family. I've done it with little home remedies Mom shared, that worked only for me and because only she could breath life into them giving them the magical properties that they had that healed me. Sometimes it isn't necessary information at all, sometimes it is just something you need to hear and only their voice will do, and it is lost to this world. It is such a strange feeling, that voided-out home-place at times in your life when you most need to go there, you start driving south and remember suddenly that it no longer exists except in your mind.

Oh yes our memories comfort us, and in having nothing but those memories left at times, I won't condemn any of us for sneaking through the cracks and hiding inside them for a while. Sometimes that is the only place that I feel safe.

These memories are not just loved ones who have passed on to the next chapter, if you will, but also recollections of lost loves and dead heartstrings, yes we miss those too and may need to visit once in a while, to that time when they burned and sang brightly.

I know you think me a foolish girl, one who refuses to mature ("Oh Grow Up!!") and live life like the serious dying vessel that everybody thinks we gotta 'come to terms with' at some point in our lives. Though we have those days where we may feel tired, run down and like our bodies are dying, I'm just not that serious dying vessel. Responsibilities and taking care of things that we bring into our lives, the things we feel we cannot live this life without give us enough serious work. I prefer to spend the rest of my time in my happy place, my comfortable alternate universe that I have fixed up for myself. A foolish girl, I am not, but one who lives in her fantasy world and is plenty happy there, maybe that is me... Who are you to judge what works for me? Nobody, I am sure you have enough work on your own.

I don't mind letting you in on a few of my idiosyncrasies here and there though, that is why you are here... to take a stroll through my "Forrest" (yes, that's right misspelled on purpose because I just wanted it that way).

Now, here is a tribute to someone who makes me feel cold and unwanted at times, and I need to work on this area of my life but in the meantime, Edie can speak for me.



"I remember you
Put a chill across my face
Like the air of December
I swear I remember it that way
I swear I remember it
Where are you now?"

Sunday, June 19, 2016

A Letter To My Parents, Long Gone

Dear Mom and Dad,

For some reason, when I decided to write you this letter, I stupidly went looking around the internet for ideas on what to write. It was interesting, as I found a couple of nice articles that gave me a little inspiration. However, I thought to myself, "Why on earth are you looking for an idea on what to write to your parents from someone else's mind? You're the talented, magical one. Your words and your heart are all you need to write anything." Then I agreed with myself, ate some gummi bears, basically nullifying my healthy salad that I had for lunch, and decided to go ahead and dig in, just as if I were there at the kitchen table with you both sitting there. The smell of smoke still permeates the air of that kitchen in my memory, no offense (but all offense would be taken) as I can't even put a number on the thousands of cigarettes that were smoked in that house over the years that it belonged to our family. All of the games of Dominoes you played with Aunts and Uncles and your few close friends over coffee. Me, hanging around like an 8 year old adult, since I was always around you guys with rarely any other kids to play with. I guess I was probably very irritating at times.

Anyway, Today is Father's Day, and as you probably know from observing all of us from wherever your window seat sits nowadays, we don't do so well on holidays anymore. These were the days we knew would always be spent having dinner with you at your house, bringing you things to put a smile on your face and now they are days (at least for me) spent in some sort of void, doing things that I would do on any other day, yet still thinking of you and wishing you were here.

When you left, I told you I would be okay because you raised a strong woman. You did, and I am. As hard as some of these days get, as much as I sometimes want to break so badly, and don't know what I am going to do I hang on to the strength and the love that you both showed at all times, that quality that you taught and passed down to us. I know that life is what we make it, and as Dad wrote in one of those cards I found in some old graduation stuff, "...there will be good times, and bad times... but overall, the good mostly outweighs the bad." *I don't have that right in front of me, and I somehow know I am getting the wording wrong, but that was the basic jist of what he said, thought his words were more eloquent than mine. I have to go and dig that out, as I need to see his handwriting.

Somehow in my spirit, I know you are together and everything is perfect for you, back together as you always wanted, and nobody and nothing (not man, not disease) can take that from you now. It is a comfort to me, even though I am lonely here without you to have coffee with, and to call on the phone when I need to hear the kindest voices in the world, or to come and get a hug from when the world has just been that sour and the only thing that can make anything better is being with your Mom and Dad.

Yes, don't worry I am as strong as I promised you I would be. I just can't help that some days are too hard to get by without tears. I am then accused of weakness, depression, insanity and of being over-emotional and annoying. In fact, for me tears are necessary as I am made of water anyway, and sometimes we water creatures overflow and have to balance ourselves out.

Water, people really do misunderstand us a lot sometimes, we appear so soft and giving, we comfort, we cleanse, we shimmer and shine no matter how much garbage people throw at us. However, we are adaptable, we flow around our obstacles, we can overtake and drown, and over time, through our patient persistence, and at times our apparent doggedness in certain situations, we 'tap away' at a thing until it is transformed or destroyed, whichever comes first.

So you see, I will be fine, seriously. People just mistake my kindness for weakness at times, and sometimes I put myself through way more than I should, and I give myself way less than I deserve, but I am trying... I haven't given up.

I think of you both every day, and I love you more than ever... I just needed to talk to you, and the best thing I could think was to write you a letter.

I know you'll receive it, wherever you are right now.

I'll be seeing you,

Your youngest daughter, Jax

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Father's Day, I Celebrate, I Lament


Some Dads are Grumpy
Some superheroes don't have capes, they are called "Dad".  Hello, my name is Jax. I'm a real woman, one who gets mad when other women run down good men, good Dads, and try to play down Father's Day, or claim it as "Single Moms Who Had to Act As Fathers" Day. In fact, Moms get praise and attention way more often than just Mother's Day, but Fathers rarely get their well-deserved praise, sometimes not even on Father's Day. Sorry, but I know way too many extraordinary DADS (including the one I was blessed with, and I'll get to that in a minute, I digress). So NO LADIES, that won't quite cut the mustard with me. Mothers get their very own holiday, and you can wax poetic about your struggles as a single mom on YOUR day (even though we give you mad props, in all honesty, bless you all). Plus we praise our Moms pretty much every day anyway.

{Sidenote: I'm honestly seeing and hearing of a lot more "deadbeat moms" these days than I am "deadbeat dads", step your game up girls, the guys are doing the damn thing.}

Don't misunderstand, I am not saying our Mothers don't deserve their praise, they do, they are the rocks that hold us together and give us inner strength and love. Mothers ARE LOVE. So I am not taking away anything deserved by our Moms. I just want to focus in on the Dads for a minute, because to ME, they are often UNSUNG HEROES, so ride with me here for a few miles, mmmkay?

Father's Day is a designated time for us to recognize fathers, grandfathers and father figures who have positively influenced our lives. I honestly resent all commercialized holidays as a whole because they are nothing more than marketing propaganda,  a breeding ground for hateful begrudging thoughts. One more excuse for people to get mad because they feel "forced" to buy something special for someone on a specific day, when it means much more in my opinion just to think about them on a day when they are just there, not expecting some gesture of appreciation and love (just like with Valentine's Day psssshtt). I'm just one of those women who loves Truth, Honesty and REAL GENUINE love and gestures of the heart. You can't market that. You can keep all the rest.

The early days, My eldest Sister perched between Mom and Dad who are holding
'us kids', my nieces and me (the little cowpoke with the jersey on)
Nevertheless, it's still as good a day as any to spotlight what I still like to refer to as "Real Fathers, Real Men", or better yet "AWESOME DADS!!" by blood or just bond. Oh my GOD I am not even playing around when I say that I know some seriously amazing MEN (DADS) who earn a status just underneath my very own (who's currently pranking the likes of Heaven as we speak, rest in peace would be a joke there, he is too mischievous and hilarious for that). Nope, I can't put anyone above my own Dad because, obviously he was the best, but these men are not far behind and that is truly saying something in my book. I could name them (and I will if you/they want), but they'd be embarrassed most likely, but they know who they are because I am very vocal in my praise for those men.

What I will say is that I stand in amazement at times at the strength, heart and the love of these guys. Some of them haven't had the best relationships with their own fathers, some didn't start out with the best women as partners, or support but they are proving that any shackle can be broken, any struggle defeated, and they're giving these kids what they never had, and teaching love and respect like champs. They share such a bond with their kids, or nieces/nephews and other family that they act as a father figure to, that it makes me pine so badly for just one more day with my own Dad. There is no getting over the loss of a parent, or loved one, it's just a void that we learn to live with and find other things to get us through life as we know it. That's the truth. These children are so smart, talented and are growing up into strong, kind and amazing individuals that anyone would be so proud of. There is not enough room in this blog for the praise I really want to express to you Dads, you don't even understand how precious and priceless you are.

Now for a little blurb about the history of Father's Day, and a little notation about my own Dad, who I wish could still be here with us now, shaking us down for the well-deserved "LOOT" that we most certainly knew not to walk into the house without, lest we risk extreme shaming and silent treatment for not gifting his obviously praiseworthy excellence.

History of Father's Day Father's Day: Started in the early 20th century in the United States to celebrate fatherhood and to complement Mother's Day. It was first celebrated on June 19, 1910 in Spokane, Washington at the YMCA by Sonora Smart Dodd. She heard about Mother's Day in 1909 and told her pastor she thought fathers should have a similar holiday. Her father raised six children as a single parent. The local clergymen agreed to the idea and the first Father's Day sermon was given on June 19, 1910.
Yes, my Dad was a cape-less Superhero...one hilarious dude, and one of the best cooks, caretakers, friends, disciplinarians, #1 Fans, and Hardest Workers I ever knew. Though I have no memory of him ever shedding a tear, those calloused workman's hands and broad shoulders would, in times of need, turn into a soft haven, a comfort and his giant ears were ready to listen... You just better have a good reason for being sad or needing such comfort, otherwise you were wasting time and he would be forced to "give you something to cry about".

The funniest fact I can share about him in regard to any holiday that demanded someone other than him receiving any gifts, was that you had better not arrive to the function without also a gift for him in tow. So you see, it did not matter if it was my Mother's birthday, or Mother's Day, or anything else, you had to ensure that in giving her gifts, and making sure that her day was special, that you did not leave him out. He was funny that way, and we still laugh about his love of "looting up", as well as his hamming it up for the camera. As camera shy as I myself am (with the exception of my self-portraits), my father was always ready for a snapshot, and was a self-confident and strong admirer of himself, often staring into a mirror and citing, "Lord you handsome devil you!!" followed by noises of disbelief that he could be so perfect and good looking.


Fortunately for my Dad, a long time ago he ran across a woman who was in complete agreement about how wonderful and handsome he was, and she never minded him dimming her spotlight on any holiday, she would gladly stand by and laugh softly when he received gifts on her days, as of course she was never treated with any less love and appreciation. Yes we celebrated those designated holidays, but also celebrated our regular days. Our family was always taught the importance of every day love and appreciation, and life is too short to allow anybody to wonder what they mean in our lives. We never know how many days, weeks or just hours that we have left with someone so I do not need a special day to let you know that you absolutely are appreciated, and you most certainly own acreage in my heart (It's more than big enough to house those who have earned a place there). I'm going to let you know that even on a Wednesday, June 15th at 2:00 in the afternoon, or on Saturday at 3:00 AM if it occurs to me to do so.

Because that is ME... that's who I am, and I get it from my MAMA and my DADDY, both who deserve their very own national holiday, but who were both just as happy if they never had even one. Because they raised me to be selfless, strong and full of love. That is why I want to share with you fathers (by blood or by bond), this Father's day my love and appreciation for who you are, what you do, and all the positive influence you bring to this world, REAL FATHERS, DADS, MEN by just being you: Today, this Sunday and everyday.

Ladies, you keep doing your thing too, you know you're appreciated every day, but watch yourselves, keep it together and take a page of their book because these real men ain't playin around, they are really bringing their A-Game, and you bout to get left behind! ;-)


Now a Little Father's Day Fun

CLICK TO SEE: Best and Worst Animal Dads



***Now, Go ahead and cry a little*** -->

Dear Deborah,

Words do not come easily for so many men. We are taught to be strong, to provide, to put away our emotions. A father can work his way through his days and never see that his years are going by. If I could go back in time, I would say some things to that young father as he holds, somewhat uncertainly, his daughter for the very first time. These are the things I would say:

When you hear the first whimper in the night, go to the nursery leaving your wife sleeping. Rock in a chair, walk the floor, sing a lullaby so that she will know a man can be gentle.

When Mother is away for the evening, come home from work, do the babysitting. Learn to cook a hotdog or a pot of spaghetti, so that your daughter will know a man can serve another's needs.

When she performs in school plays or dances in recitals, arrive early, sit in the front seat, devote your full attention. Clap the loudest, so that she will know a man can have eyes only for her.

When she asks for a tree house, don't just build it, but build it with her. Sit high among the branches and talk about clouds, and caterpillars, and leaves. Ask her about her dreams and wait for her answers, so that she will know a man can listen.

When you pass by her door as she dresses for a date, tell her she is beautiful. Take her on a date yourself. Open doors, buy flowers, look her in the eye, so that she will know a man can respect her.

When she moves away from home, send a card, write a note, call on the phone. If something reminds you of her, take a minute to tell her, so that she will know a man can think of her even when she is away.

Tell her you love her, so that she will know a man can say the words.

If you hurt her, apologize, so that she will know a man can admit that he's wrong.

These seem like such small things, such a fraction of time in the course of two lives. But a thread does not require much space. It can be too fine for the eye to see, yet, it is the very thing that binds, that takes pieces and laces them into a whole.

Without it, there are tatters.

It is never too late for a man to learn to stitch, to begin mending.

These are the things I would tell that young father, if I could.

A daughter grows up quickly. There isn't time to waste.





I love you,
Dad
” 
― Lisa WingateDandelion Summer

Monday, June 13, 2016

Knock It Off

Ha, here's a quickie for ya today, and I'm sure a lot of you will appreciate that... I had some sudden onset of Strep Throat (this is unofficial and self-diagnosed actually, and since I've only had it once, I did the best I could to analyze this and self-medicate).  It seems like it was a roaring success though, I have been taking the liquid Thera-Flu that covered fever-reducing and pain relief, as well as cough and sore throat... I didn't really have any nasal issues with this except just a little sinus as usual. I gargled with Hot Salt Water, and took Raw honey. In the interest of quick recovery so I could get back to work, I went ahead and refilled the prescription for the Zithromycin (Z-pack) Antibiotic. I was going to let myself get over it naturally, but I didn't want to miss any more work than necessary. I am just getting back to the grind you know.

Therefore, I'll write more later, just wanted to give a quick update.

This and the same ole frustrations of daily life are about all I have to report today. No image, just not feeling it, and no song to go with it either lol... take what you get from me and be happy about it today.  Now, off with ya.

Thursday, June 02, 2016

Gravity

I'm struggling, daily. I am unhappy with my choices and my situations, my attitude, my health, and myself. Nobody has to lecture me, I get it. This is all my responsibility and something I can control. That's why I am so mad at myself right now, because I CAN control this, but I don't. I have allowed myself to get apathetic and lazy, then get upset because my life isn't what I want it to be. I should be treating myself like I treat the partners I have had in my life, but instead, I spend my time treating others like I want to be treated, and rarely getting that in return.

So, yes I am struggling.

I have allowed everything that I have gone through in the last few years, not really to break me but damage the hell out of me enough to make me treat myself like I don't matter, to ruin my life.

After a phone conversation with one of my closest friends this morning, I started thinking about all of this stuff... how there are really no excuses for bad nutrition, lack of exercise and getting things done that are good for my life. 

Gravity (like the lyrics below) may pull us down, but it also keeps us grounded, we can fight it and do anything we need to do. Yes it works against us as Life seems to, but I have always believed it was our effort and attitude that pushed it along or held us back, even though it is easy to get a bad attitude about things. I can't tell you how much inspirational books, audio, etc (positive crap lol) that I have read and listened to, trying to motivate myself for a better attitude, quality of life and 'law of attraction" of being flooded with abundance and all that jazz.

 "Gravity is working against me And gravity wants to bring me down. Oh, I'll never known what makes this man. With all the love that his heart can stand Dream of ways to throw it all away Whoa, gravity is working against me And gravity wants to bring me down Oh, twice as much ain't twice as good. And can't sustain like one half could. It's wanting more that's gonna send me to my knees...Just keep me where the light is." 
(Taken from "Gravity" by John Mayer--not a big fan of his, but these lyrics have a good message)
Anyways, blah blah blah, right? Get up and do something about it... yes, I'm working on it. Where does one find one's... what it it called?? Muse. 

Gotta get me one of those.


(or a guardian angel who was a personal trainer in a former life)