Thursday, May 26, 2016

Over and Over and Over

This morning I popped over here to the blog with intentions of writing some little sentimental post about "Him" (Z) but I looked down and I spewed too much word vomit in the other post from February entitled  Time, That Slippery Bastard. So how can I, in good conscience, do another damn post with him as my main focal point? 

I really can't.

However, as I have once again gotten frustrated and depressed, I have really felt a horrible urge to jump in my time machine and escape back to that time once again... the time where he acted crazy and did stupid things just to get to me and spend time with me. The time when he, turning flush red with want, shyly approached me to tell me just how enchanted he was with me. A moment that charged with electricity affects a woman seriously. Gentlemen, it sticks with us... for life. May never see his face again in this lifetime, but not a day goes by that I don't think of him. I was an adult female, but I became a grown woman in the moment that he first kissed me. It was my best moment, and also the exact moment my life changed and I was ruined. 

Should I consider that my 'defining moment'? If he hadn't happened, everything would have gone so differently for me, I'd probably be a proper lady with a "stick around husband" and a litter of kids. If he had still happened but things had gone differently, I would be the same proper lady, but he would have just been the "stick around husband" I guess.

No matter how many times I touch on this memory, it is in vain, it does no good for me to keep living there, and then, and keep repeating myself with this fairy tale over, and over, and over. "Reality" demands attention, and I am painfully reminded every day that I do NOT, in fact, have any sort of time machine and I have woken up enough times to the disappointing realization that all of the stuff that happened after him were apparently real, and not "just a long, deep, dark, terrible-awful dream". Yes I am living that truth, haven't found any way around that. 

No I don't really "live in the past", I do realize my present moment, and I am looking to the future for better things to come because I have no other choice. But if I should ever stumble across that magic wand, or a time machine of any sort, or that rabbit hole and find a way, I promise you I won't hesitate to take the trip.

I can't be the only one who feels this way about time.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Backwards Traveller

Time is just on crack. I can't believe it's already nearly June, and the last time I posted was sometime in February. I am getting back in here to post more, and really didn't even intend to or realize I had allowed such a gap of time to pass without posting. In my defense, my life has not been normal for some time, well a lot of time actually. I still wake up sometimes and look around hoping that everything has all been a depressingly bad dream, but each time I do, it's quickly apparent that I was awake, and not going to 'wake up' a second time. Now don't get me wrong, I am tired of shit being shitty, but I'm not blaming anyone but myself, and I am not bitching about it "like that", so hold your "get over it" and "snap out of it" comments. Save them for some other pitiful soul who you find to be annoying, dark and depressing. I'm FINE. It's my blog and I'll bitch all I damn well please. Now I don't usually type out too many cuss words, because you never know who's reading, but sometimes I am too tired to censor myself, and just say "fuck it." Anyways, I have mainly filled a lot of my time searching for a job, playing video games and spending time with my close peeps. I finally found a new job, so I am getting back on track and on my feet again. I may detail it a little bit more in my next entry. Thanks for coming by and reading, and I'll be more regular, I promise. Please leave me comments. I always enjoy knowing who's reading. Say a word, go on and force yourself. Happy Towel Day. Don't Panic!! Jax