Monday, July 16, 2007

The Monday Report

Weekend zipped by fast, probably due to our gig at Kudzu's Bar & Deli, which went pretty well. Once again, my band, "S.A.P" would like to thank Kudzu's very much for having us there, they are always very cool.

The weekend, oh let's see... Friday night, after work, Richie and I headed out to a little Mexican place which was nice. Relaxed a little, he had a few brews, we came home and just goofed off at the house the remainder of the night, and I had thoughts on preparations for the next day because we were supposed to be taking band photos before the gig, and I had tons to get done (I thought so anyway). So a friend of Richie's came by for a while. That pretty was pretty much it for Friday night.

Saturday, I wake up around 11:30, or close to Noon, take the normal amount of time to completely "wake up", which consists of checking e-mail, having a bit of breakfast, zoning out for a bit. Then I threw myself together to venture out shopping for clothes to wear for the photos and the gig. I already had some new shoes, I just needed an outfit.

I guess it took me about an hour and a half to two hours to accomplish this task. You may or may not know, shopping is always a dreaded task for me. I'm not your normal "love to shop" woman. I actually detest shopping. However, sometimes it has to be done. So I found an outfit, and took it to the register and hoped that I would quickly check-out. Think again, in fact checking out at this particular register was like joining a cult or something.

The line was not very long, but I found myself standing there waiting for the incessantly 'giddy' and overly-forced-charming sales clerk to weed through each customer.

Finally, it is my turn to check out. I put my items on the counter.

Clerk: "Good afternoon! How are you?"

Me: "Just fine, thank you."

Clerk: "Do you have one of our 'reward cards'?

Me: "No, I don't. I am rarely-"

Clerk (interrupting): "Well, it's just $30 dollars a year and it will save you $10 dollars today."

Me: "Well, I'm not really in here very often, so I don't--"

Girl in line next to me, who's obviously addicted to this store (interrupting): "Well you should, this place is addictive! I have my card. I can't stay out of here."

Me: slightly faking a giggle, "Well, I don't think so today. Maybe next time."

Clerk: "Well alright then."

She rings up the two items, and then says, "Well how about our magazine? It has great coupons in here for several different stores. It's a free magazine today, and it will get you 20% off. Then there is still a coupon left in there for next time you come in, it will save you 10%."

Me: "Fine, Fine."

Clerk: "It's a great read."

Me, tapping foot anxiously. "Great." I prematurely strike my card through the machine trying to pay and get out of this cult-compound of a store...

Clerk (looking like a Stepford wife): "Oops! Well that was just a little too early. It doesn't work like that--It won't be but just another moment, then you can swipe your card."

Me: "Oh, ok--most of the machines usually let you swipe them at any time."

Clerk: "Oh well this one won't work until the purchase has been rang up totally."

Me: "Alrighty then." (tapping foot, sighing inaudibly)

{People behind me complaining that 'today is not a good day for them to be training a new girl in here because there is a line and it is Saturday... I roll my eyes, and continue to wait for Miss Sunshine to finish my transaction.}

Clerk: "Ok, almost done... (to self: let's see, item #2, then 20% off, and there.) Ok, that will be $___.___. (long pause) Ok, you can swipe your card now."

Me: "Oh great!" I reply anxiously. So I swipe the card, the clerk slowly finds a bag, and begins the grueling task of putting everything on the hanger into the 'slip over' bag. Then she drops the little loose cards out of the magazine, and has to pick them up.

Clerk: "Oh no, I seem to have dropped the little things out of your magazine."

Me: "That's ok." (reaching for my stuff, clerk still moving like molasses)

Clerk: "Ok, well I do hope you have a wonderful evening."

Me: "Yes, well uhhh... thanks, you too."

She hands me the magazine, and the cards once again go flying out of it, so I have to pick them up myself. Before slipping through the rest of the customers, who I feel sorry for because they are just about to encounter Miss Sunshine.

I hop in my car and screech away, headed towards Walgreen's Drugstore to buy hosiery and foundation make-up.

Finally, I get home and begin to get ready. My bathroom is steamy from the hot bath, and I can't seem to stop sweating. So in order for my make up not to sweat completely off before I get it on, and for my panty hose to go on smoothly, I bring a small fan into my bathroom and turn it on facing me. So I begin to blow-dry my hair, and along with the cool fan air I begin to relax and decide that it looks like I'm going to have a 'good hair day'. My base make-up is drying, and I apply powder and prepare to do the rest. I decide it is time to put on the hose. So far so good, the hose are going on straight until I get to my upper thigh. I accidentally poke a hole in the upper thigh of the hose, and of course it immediately formed a run. So in a panic, I decide to grab the nearest bottle of nail polish, and 'touch up' the pantyhose. It's high enough upon my thigh that nobody would ever see how dark the polish is. I go back to get just 'one more drop' so I can make sure I applied enough to the hose, and somehow, mysteriously the bottle shatters in my hand and the gothically dark concoction sprays across my pinkly decorated bathroom, over my claw foot bathtub, on the sink and cabinet, and the bottle itself dropped into the sink, so it got the worst of it. As well, there was dark nail polish all over my ankle now, so I had to throw away my brand new pantyhose.

Since I had no time to waste, I had to grab nail polish remover and get all that I could off my skin, since we were going to be taking band photos before the show. 'This is fan-f**%ingtastic' I thought (looking at the time, I was cutting this whole preparation very close, as I needed to leave in about 30 minutes and hadn't even finished my hair or make-up).

I begin to cry, and nearly had a panic attack as Richie is asking me what happened. I didn't want to tell him what happened because I knew he would make fun and laugh at me for the rest of the evening because of my fatefully bad luck. He always does. He says I have the worst luck in the world, all the while cackling maniacally at me. (He's such a sweetheart).

Finally, I regain my composure, and dry my now-reddened eyes. Then I touch up my make-up, and finish the eyes, lips, etc. My hair is now threatening to form a cowlick, and it is nowhere near as good as I thought it was going to be.

I clean up the rest of what I can, try to get the polish off my hands so that I won't have it all over me in the band photos, and get ready to leave.

We show up to meet the gang at Kudzu's around 20 minutes late, Meg is already stressing and doesn't seem to be in a good mood. I dare anyone to challenge me about being late or having any trouble, or I would've pulled out a couple cans of whoop-ass my damn self. We take photos at some different locations around the street, old buildings, etc. It's hotter than the hinges on the gates of Hell, and Mosquito's (Tennessee's State Bird) are attacking us like a bomb squad. I get bites all over my ankles, my shoes are starting to hurt my feet and we've only started our evening.

We finish the photo shoot, head back to the practice space, gather our equipment and drive back up to Kudzu's to grab some grub, something to drink and get ready to set-up.

We ended up going on around 9:30 p.m. The first song we sang, "Killing Door", blew out a circuit at Kudzu's right as I was going into the chorus. So the lights went out. Guy fixes that issue, we start playing again. All goes well until a little past the middle of the set, and I hit a high note and nearly blew a vocal chord... It's once again hotter than Satan's left testicle, and I am sweating bullets. Our bass player's wife brought me water. I made it through the rest of the set but I was totally glad when it was all over! Seemed like I got on a bad luck streak that just wouldn't quit.

Sunday I was pretty much zombified. Richie and I went for lunch, went by Circuit City, came home and pretty much vegetated the rest of the day away.

So how was your weekend?


Terri said...

Hi I left you a comment on Corkye's latest post and I'm here to visit! :o)

Aunt Jackie said...

Awww thank you Terri! I'm going over to check it out now. :)
Glad you popped by to my lonely little forrest.

Ole Blue The Heretic said...

Question: Why is the slowest cashier always placed in the express lines at stores?

I drank beer and watched movies all weekend. ;-)

Anonymous said...

One thing after another, huh?
I can't stand being asked to purchase every last bit of blessed cash-register front merchandise when I go into the mall stores. Obnoxious as hell.

Not-So-Naughty Voyeur said...

"goofed off " = hot sex?
"zoning out for a bit" = hot sex?
"Oops! Well that was just a little too early" -- ahahahah!
"Oh no, I seem to have dropped the little things" -- ahahah! I have no idea what that means, but I like it :)
"I can't seem to stop sweating" - that's what I'm talkin' about!!

OMG, OK, you lost me at where you accidentally poked a hole. I'm just not old enough to read this blog ANYMORE!! :) PORRRRNNNN!!!!!

Not-So-Naughty Voyeur said...

You began to cry? There is no crying in porn? C'mon now, you're killing it!

Oh, right.. I'm not reading...

WTF kind of word verification is

Four Dinners said...

Glad the gig went well. Love the sounds.

CD? How to get it? C'mon hurry up!!!!

Weekend was excellent. Long time since I caused a riot. Well Sid was involved so there yer go....

RockDog said...

"There's no crying in porn!" LOL!!!!!!!! Funniest comment of the year!

Jacksy! As a man I don't understand all of this makeup and hosiery hole stuff, but you clearly need to drink a LOT more. LOL!

Have a good week!

her indoors said...

saturday spent in the sunshine, sunday in the rain!!!
'hotter than Satin's left testicle' LOL.
you got an award over at my place

captain corky said...

Rough Saturday Jackie. It's all the cashier's fault!

My weekend was good. My parents came down to visit with the baby. Time stands still in that joint, but things are good.

ZigZagMan said...

Jackie....I've always believed in the boomarang effect of Sat the 14th!! :)

I was lucky enough to harass a "lil miss sunshine" today. I consider it fair sport....:)

Aunt Jackie said...

Ole Blue, It's just Irony and Sadisticness of life :)

Yes, Blondie, it was some day!

NV!! LOL! You kill me, thanks for making it humorous as hell :)

Dinners, We'll have the CD thing fixed up and ready soon--hopefully I'll keep everyone posted! Plus, I love it when you cause trouble!

Rock, you're totally right. Let me go get my bottle of Jack right now! Hehe... I know, I know. Women can't help some stuff though.

Indoors, I'll come by and check it out! :) Thanks girl!

Corky, it's all good--we all have bad days here and there. You, new Dad, enjoying that baby?? :)

Zig: I never have bad Friday the 13ths, or thereafter. So I was surprised. Fate just had me by the nipples that day... and Give Miss Sunshine Hell for me!! Thx!


G-Wad said...

Stay away from Satan's left testicle...for some reason I've always found the right one to be more appealing...esthetically speaking of course.