Thursday, September 18, 2008

Rage Against The Machine(s)

It all started yesterday morning, I just didn't have a chance to stop and rant. We decided to get into the gym extra-early to avoid having to deal with "The Clacker" (the little dooky-ball haired, hog-faced girl who makes too much noise on the machines). Normally, she piles in around 6:30, so we dragged ourselves out of bed at 5:15 or so, and ended up at the gym on the Elliptical machines at 5:30 a.m. It was still dark outside, she was nowhere in sight, I was enjoying my work-out for once.

Since we'd been so comfortable, we decided to make our workout a hour instead of 30 or 45 minutes (plus the 5 minute cool-down). I forget what I was watching, as there's usually not that much on that early in the morning... maybe it was "Sister, Sister".

Like clockwork, and 30 minutes early herself, IN WALKS THE MUTHAFLIPPIN CLACKER!!! My heart sinks. I looked at Richie in disbelief. How on earth did this happen? It was so carefully planned! Was she psychic maybe? She showed up just to ruin my day? That's how I felt. She retreated to the locker room, put away her Clacky-belongings, came back, and found herself a machine like 2 down from me. I was seething, and bracing myself for what I knew was inevitable.

She perched her potato-shaped self on top of the machine, and her little legs went to town. Flipping and flopping, increasing her speed, and then there it was, "CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK!!!!" I glanced at her evilly out the corner of my eye, acting like I wondered who's horse had gotten loose in the gym. The clacking seemed to subside for a few seconds, then again... "CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACKIDY CLACK CLACK!!!!". Oh god the agony. I reach up to my ears, and shove my headphone pieces in deeper, hoping to shut out some of the noise. But I know she's there, and I can still hear her clacking.

Finally, our workout came to a close,and relieved, we exited the gym. It is just so rude in my opinion to go out of your way to be the noisiest person possible where multiple people work out, even if the gym is not that busy, and there are only 2 or three others in your vicinity, paying mind to the fact that you are annoying the others working out wouldn't be a bad idea. I feel like she knows she's annoying. Could she really be that dense?

So this morning, of course, we awake to fight the same battle. I didn't even try to get there early again, because I figured she would just screw it up. So we showed up at about 6:30ish ourselves, bound for a 30-minute workout. I didn't see her little asshole-corolla in the parking lot so a smile creeped across my face. We swiped our card to gain access to the door, and looked inside, and she was indeed there. Already hoofing it on her treadmill. "Boom, boom, boom boom boom... stomp, clomp, BOOM!!!" I roll my eyes. I'm guessing she has another frikkin car or something. At any rate, my hopes for a clacker-free workout were dashed.

With evil intent, I grab an elliptical machine directly behind her so I can shoot poisonous looks at the back of her head. We begin our workout. I put my headphones in and end up on the News channel for lack of better programming. I almost became numb to her treadmill stomping, which is loud and annoying, but not nearly as annoying as her Elliptical Clacking.

As I am nearly relaxed and have pretty much decided to ignore The Clacker, she takes it a step further... as if to reel me back in to the circle of hate. I hear a bubbling, non-stop whiny voice. I look at the TV Screen, they're still playing a video... it's not that. I peer around the edge of my machine, and look at Clacky... She has a CELLPHONE of all things shoved in her ear, and she's bitching so some unknown person about someone and how they just don't get it and "tough love" or something, blah blah blah. She yacks and yacks and yacks loudly, not knowing of an "Inside Voice" or the fact that it's HORRIBLE ETTIQUETTE to ANNOY people with your CELLPHONE IN THE GYM!!! I sigh loudly. My face turns hot with rage, and my pulse goes up.

I begin to fantasize about jumping on the back of her treadmill and scaring the shit out of her, or walking by, and grabbing her by her little shit-ball ponytail and ripping her off her treadmill and stomping her into the carpet. I think of possibly confronting her and asking her "Do you think you are the only person trying to work out here?? Please put your cellphone away. Is it not enough that you are the loudest person on any machine in the gym, but you have to have a party on your cellphone before sunrise??"

Our workout ceased after the cool-down, and I knew I would be passing by her machine on the way to wash my hands. I looked up at her sideways slightly, and loudly mouthed under my breath, "Biottchh!!" Then washed my hands, and then Richie decided to dig in deeper, "You got a special treat today!!" (laughing under his breath). I said, "Don't you think that is just RUDE?!!?!" I doubt she heard me though, she was in her own little clacking world where she could hear the sound of her voice, and her stomping, and whatever poor soul was on the other end of the line.

I didn't snatch her hair out of her head, or trip her off the treadmill, but I did send a complaint in to the gym. But, as people often do these days, I'm sure they will handle it with the utmost Apathy. Who knows... tomorrow's another day.

Related... (too bad she can't have this happen to her)
Idiot On Treadmill


Chelly said...

Poor Jax! Can't stand people like that. But I loved reading your account of it :) Please keep us posted.

Ole Blue The Heretic said...

Luckily the gym I go too forbids cell phones on the gym floor.

Why is she so noisy? Foot stopping? Is she running on the tredmill in heels?

Maybe she has a peg leg and is a pirate! Does she have a parrot?

Good to see that you are working out. It feels goooodddddd!!!!

Jay said...

I would find another gym. I quit one because they wouldn't make people turn down the TVs while they were riding stationary bikes. These old folks would just crank up Fox News full blast. I couldn't freaking stand it. It wouldn't have matter what news channel either. You can workout to people yakking like that.

Or stomping and clacking. LOL

Kenski said...

You could do what folks used to do in Texas when they wanted to avoid road rage confrontation. Turn up one day, take the machine next to her, look over making eye contact then deliberately place a cocked .38 in your cup holder. I bet you never see her again...

We don't have a clacker, but for the longest time we had a squeaker. The guy would get on a treadmill then run with his body so close to the front console that the tips of his sneakers would clip the plastic guard in front of the belt, making a loud 'I just stepped on a mouse' kinda squeak. Almost impossible to drown out with headphones.


Do these people not know what they're doing?!?

Of course, I'm the 'annoying nitwit' who runs around in a world of his own, often absentmindedly taking weights off other people's machines while they're using them... oops!

Aunt Jackie said...

Chells! Thanks! Yes I had to rant :)

Ole Blue! I think most gyms do forbid the cellphone use, but it's who enforces more I guess. I dunno but Richie think she has rocks in her shoes.

Jay! We might look into switching, problem is that they make it so hard for you to change up, we have to put in a registered letter 30 days in advance. Funny if you got kicked out of the gym, they wouldn't give you 30 days... pish posh.

Kenski! I don't know if they do know what they're doing, you would think so but people are rude and apathetic these days. I like that Texas approach though. hehe