Thursday, September 07, 2006

The Bloggings Will Continue Until Morale Improves

There is a great deal i'd like to get off my chest regarding elevators. I began thinking about this when I read this post from 'Mike's Blog' regarding lack of gratitude from people when holding the door open for them, and other social faux pas. Seriously, why are you unable to mutter even a simple "thank you" or "hello" when someone smiles and holds a door open for you, or just tries to exchange a simple pleasantry? You would not believe the thoughts that pass through my head when I meet up with someone like this, who is less than pleasant, or completely unsociable upon smiling or speaking to them. Who do you think you are?? Honestly. Ok, i'm straying off the subject of the elevators a bit-but they are related because it's that type of behavior that makes me want to slam your head in the door... So next time people, when someone tries to be nice to you, would it kill you to show a little kindness back?

Let me illustrate a scenario to show the anxiety I sometimes feel when riding the elevator with some of these...the beautiful ones.

8:22 a.m.: Rushing to work, nearly late as usual, and are in a hurry to get to your floor which is nearly at the top of building (sound familiar?) only to have your efforts thwarted by others who you are forced onto the elevator with. There is an eerie painful silence, and your inner voice just tells you to be quiet, just let them ride and get off on their floor, it will be over soon, but the other voice forces its way out "We're lucky to have a working elevator today, huh?.... (Eerie silence followed by a cold nod)... MAN has it been hot this week... hope we get a little rain..." (still barely alive is your elevator cohort, who thinks it beneath them to acknowledge your polite elevator banter with any response, so finally... FINALLY the door opens, and they get out. [Would they wince if they saw your foot catapulting forward as if to kick them in the back of the head, as the doors closed? One can't be sure... But the fact remains that you're glad they're gone, so you can just get to your office in peace].

9:47 a.m.: Time for a snack break, so you get your dollar bills ready and go for another joy ride. Ecstatic, you discover that you are the only one on the elevator, and you take a deep relaxed breath... You hear a familiar tune on the Musak, so you do a little dance... the jubilation of being in this small cube suspended by untrustworthy coils and pulleys are you, the air so sweet... when suddenly, you feel a dip and the elevator stops... "Noooooo, floor 23... Please nobody be there..." You have to stop your dance, and act as though you are just as serious and morose as the rest of the elevator passengers.

This time you are silent... polite and forced grin upon your face... staring up at...at what, I don't know, pretending there is something up there to which your eyes are magnetized... so that you don't have to make eye contact with these soulless creatures.

9:49 a.m.: Finally, you arrive at the lobby, go into the little store--you are free for a moment--grab a drink or a snack...

9:56 a.m.: Back to the elevators... Which one will open now?? It's taking a long time, maybe they're all broken (you ponder)...

9:58 a.m.: Oh----There is one now... You look around you to see if anyone is coming towards the elevator... Nobody is in sight... (oh please let it be)... You jump in, and hurriedly press the "close door" button, and pray that nobody comes at the last minute to thwart your efforts to shut the door... You get lucky this time... (sigh of relief)... Oh wow--This is a great song!!! You begin to do another jig... this time, a funky one... on the way up, nobody is likely to stop and get on--you can have a few moments of bliss... Dancing... dancing... You're John Travolta for 2 minutes.

10:00 a.m.: The doors swing open, and it is back to your cube for another couple of hours of fun and excitement... (Similar activity during lunch hours, although shared with other coworkers, so the dancing is probably out of the question then, workday progresses…)

**watching the clock**

4:57p.m.: Is it 5:00?? (Looking at watch or clock on your pc) Oh, close enough... you gather your things, and take a deep breath and prepare for this 5:00 elevator ride, which is the most frantic ride of the day--except on very odd occasions.

So you go to the hallway, and press the down button for the last time today...

A couple more people from your floor are lining up as well.

(There goes the lucky instance that you go down alone)

Elevator didn't take too long, so you all three get on... The other two are sharing a story from their days' work, so you smile, tapping your foot nervously... wondering, hoping...

The elevator begins its descent…

It stops on 29... 4 legal secretaries hobble on who have no idea what an inside (or in this case inside an elevator) voice is... They are laughing and tossing their heads, talking about the daily legal secretarial scenarios... (You had to be there... right).

The elevator stops again on 27, and 26... the elevator is packed full now (and you, consequently, are mashed to the back wall—hemmed in like a wild animal-Smelling the funky cologne of the person who’s skull you are staring at—is that ear wax hanging out his ear? Gag!)... You feel the sweat break out on your left brow... it's getting harder to breathe. The elevator stops at 24 (only 2 more floors to go before the downward spiral)... the doors open, but the people look on in horror at how many people are already on the elevator... and they pass--waiting for the next one (if there is a next one).

Maybe we're home free this time... No--the elevator stopped on 22... the last floor it could possibly stop on. But since it is so crowded the people won't get on i'm sure... No... these are brave souls, who fear no body odor... One of them is at least 300 pounds... great... Let's stuff em all in... Come on everyone huddle close together... maybe our body warmth will keep us alive. Holding your breath, you wince... trying to think of something... anything (what was that tune again??--by now you can't even hear the Musak)... Arrrrggggh... tapping of the foot, holding your purse closely... come on.... come on.... (Elevator is almost there... I just know it)...

5:05 p.m.: Finally!! The elevator stops... the doors can't open fast enough... but when they do, we all spew out like the contents of a coca cola that have been in a hot car all afternoon long, and then shaken up before... Kapploweee!!!—I grab a deep breath of cool air--as if there might not be any left if I don't... Make our way to the next elevator... the garage elevator... ok, surely not all of these people have to go to the garage... You pause for a moment, eyeing up everyone and their lazy butts... they wait for the garage elevator so they can go up 2 floors, 3 maybe 5.... FTHis!!!! I'm taking the stairs!!!

----THE END?----

7 comments:

Nana said...

Speaking of elevators...have you ever gotten on one and realized that the person who just got off just let a really bad FART!!!!

laughtokeepfromcrying said...

Oh girl yes, and you're putting you face in your purse for some air and the door opens and more people come on and they are sure its you and what do you say, cause they are all coughing and moaning and looking over their shoulders at you like "lady check your pants". And you stay on when your floor gets there cause you don't want to pass them, but you don't want to pass out either.......yes, another reason to take the stairs.

Aunt Jackie said...

Too tragic for words. I have gotten on once when there was a guy who had just farted, but he stayed on. Did he think he was going to get away with that?? lol I nearly hurled.

chelly said...

My cousin and I once got onto an elevator on the 20th floor, and this little girl who was there, pressed all the buttons on the way down. Of course she got off on the next floor and parted with a wicked grin...It was a long ride down...but we thought of lovely things we'd say to the kid if we ever saw her again...

PS: There's nothing worse than an elevator with the stench of fart!

Kris said...

Leave it to my mother (nana) to work a fart into the discussion.

Sleazy-V said...

Jackie, so u thgt u were all alone when u did those jigs in the elevator??? Did u forget abt the cameras in there??? Ohh..wat a time tat 'maintenance guy'(ur friend, of course) at the reception desk would have had..watching 'Aunt Jackie's' jigs .. he he he !!!

Aunt Jackie said...

That's it-make me paranoid... well, I was joking anyways, I had to make the story interesting... I really dislike the maintenance guy. His attitude sux!