Thursday, February 26, 2009

I'd Like To Buy A Vowel

I'm so tired today. Some hours just for me, time to myself, for myself... that's what I need. Everything is always for everybody else, I'm always running and doing and going, for everyone else; rarely me. It gets old. I won't go into it all, I'm just tired and need a break... and need some good fortune.

It hasn't been optimal weather this week, nor has there been much time for motorcycle riding. I truly have been jonesing to ride. Over the past weekend, of course I spent both nights at Mom's, and of course didn't get a thing done at home that I needed to (maybe I never will get to again). But we rode our bikes down, even though it was freezing and foggy Saturday night. Even my good gloves don't keep me THAT warm in such temperatures. It was a nightmare, but at the same time it was kind of fun.

Recently, Richie and I were contemplating how we just didn't do "spontaneous" stuff anymore. It's so easy to get caught up in the daily grind of things, and all of the responsibilities that you think are holding you back. Still, all that stuff is self-created. Everything that stresses us out, we are responsible for bringing into our lives. Since we brought it here, it can only have power over us if we let it. So, I'm trying to remind myself about that and not allow things to restrict me or keep me from living my life and enjoying. Sure I said above that I was tired, and needed a break, and run around for others way more than me, but I've done that myself. Albeit there ARE some things that I must make priority, like with Family (Mom's issues, etc), but I still don't want to stop living my own life. I feel lately like I have been letting that happen more and more. I simply can't.

So I'm going to strive to be more spontaneous, and just live more like I always did growing up, and throughout my youth. We can begin to resent ourselves when we think we're getting "old" and "boring". But we are the only ones who can stop that... or allow it to happen.

I say these things, and all the while today I am feeling depressed, unmotivated and burned out. So I am going totally wrong somewhere and I need to get to the bottom of it.

I don't need any lectures or sarcasm, so please hold back. I know what I need to do, and I know the truth. I'll handle it all in my own time.

Sorry if I sound like a "bummer" today, I would love to say something comical or entertaining, but it won't come out.

Even though you're not married to me, you still get me "better" and "worse" I guess you could say. So I hope, as I always do in my own marriage, that the better outweighs the worse, but I always live with doubt.

4 comments:

Reb said...

How about a little sympathy? Everything will even out with your mom, she just needs to reorient her life and it will take time. You are a great daughter to be taking the time to be with her when she needs you.

Blondie said...

Girl!
I feel like we are living the same life right now... I've been feeling a lot of the same things.
Too bad we live so far apart... I'd take you out for some dirty martinis and inappropriate conversation!
Chin up... spring is on the way, and those beautiful days are always a good pick-me-up.

Jay said...

Yeah, and it's that time of year. Spring is just around the corner and there isn't much going on so everyone is kind of bummed and just muddling through. Everything goes in cycles. It'll get better. ;-)

Furtheron said...

I think I'll join you on the spontaneous drive... let me see?... Hmm I've a gap in my calendar in April does that work for you? :-)