Thursday, February 12, 2009

Crazy Little Thing

I'm not really sure how this post is going to go, it's just one of those things I feel frustrated about and am going to try to let it flow. So bear with me and forgive me, as I'm sure I'll be ripped a new one for my Hypocrisy.

I know I am horrible for feeling this way.

All of my life, I have pretty much loathed Valentine's Day. It's sickening flowers and hearts over commercialized and people going overboard, spending and gifting due to feeling either 'guilted into it', obligated or expected that they have to do this stuff. It's ridiculous.

Why buy into this idea? Why can't we just be happy each day of the year, do special little things to for one another no matter if it is a special occasion or not?

It seems to me that it would mean more if a significant other were to surprise you for no reason at all, unexpectedly, on a day in say April when nothing else is going on. They wouldn't do it to make up for something they'd done wrong, or because someone was sitting up and expecting it because it is "this particular day", it would be true and real, and you would know they meant it because they really love you.

These are my true feelings about Valentine's day... so why does the stupid holiday still stress me and make me feel so shitty?? Still somewhere deep down inside me, maybe stemming from my rejected teen-aged years, lives a depressed and desolate creature who feels totally forgotten and unappreciated due to thoughtlessness and/or unromantic and callous actions. Being such an "individual", I don't care about stereotypical hearts and perfect red roses. You could bring me a rock from the driveway with "I love you" written in Sharpie and I would be ecstatic. Every Valentine's day of my life has been either shitty or meaningless, except for the fact that my sweet, wonderful Dad would always do something for my Mother and me when I was growing up. That meant the world of course, but it still didn't remove my romance-misery.

The only good TRUE Valentine's Day I ever had was with my old flame, "Z". 2nd shift was 3 p.m. - 11 p.m., and he came early in the morning and spent the day with me. He showed up at the door with a gift bag that had a wonderful card, and a strange little Cherub statue with gold dusting on the hair and little flowers attached. He handed me the decorative bag and said, "Open it... when I saw this it was really You to me." It meant the world and I will never forget it as long as I live. Never since then have I had any "romantic" or heart-felt Valentine's Day... and I truly, truly HATE 2/14 with all of my dark-chocolate heart.

I have written stories about Valentine's Day before, and they're similar in mood. Some of you have been around for a while and you've read it all... if you have not, then I will give you a shortcut list.

Jackie's Valentine Reading List (if you've time):

Hearts, Flowers and All Things Sickening and Frilly (Feb 2007)

How Do I Love Thee (Feb 2008)

Butterflies, Zebras and Moonbeams V

So I feel like a hypocrite, and I don't mean to be. Deep down, I really feel like I want to thwart this Valentine's Day phenomenon... I do. I know I must send mixed signals to my husband, who is far from a romantic gentleman. I don't mean to confuse him. So it's not that my heart doesn't ache because he's not romantic, it does. I miss sweet and true heartfelt gestures badly. I just KNOW that is not him. He's not that guy... and I love him. So because I do love him, I can't sit and wish for him to be someone else. I wouldn't want him to be anyone but himself... really!

Still, I always feel terribly disappointed and unappreciated when he forgets that February 14th is Saturday and his weekend plans are to go grocery shopping at an Organic store with one of his good buddies (who have already done their Valentine's duties mostly), and to get every Tom Dick and Harry over for a barbecue. "Um... barbecue? Why once again did you not even mention this? Are we not even going to spend any time together by ourselves for Valentine's Day?" "Oh, well yeah... Which day is it?" "Saturday." "Oh, it's Saturday?"... And we get into a stupid argument about why won't he ever inform me of his idea and plan, and then why do I do nothing but bitch when he mentions 2 plans?

Maybe he considers the entire week spending time together, but it's not. During the week, we are at work, we go to band practice, we work out every day, and at night we go to bed early to get up and 'lather, rinse, repeat' daily so for me we have no quality time together. People are constantly calling him on the phone and keeping him on the line for hours, so there's extra stolen solitude. When the weekend comes, I don't think it is a sin to ask for at least 1 day where we don't have to make plans with others, and nobody "drops by unannounced" or rings the phone off the hook, or tries to make plans non-stop. Is this so wrong?? If I am being ridiculous tell me.

It's a matter of opinion and personality I guess... But I really think that he would care less if we ever did anything as a "couple" romantically, he wouldn't realize it. He could just have people over all the time, and never skip a beat. It would not occur to him that a man and wife should spend any time doing anything romantic until of course when you finally decide to hit the sack, whatever time that is.

It isn't really that I care about Valentine's Day at all, and I hate myself for making a big deal out of it. It's mainly the thought I guess that counts. It's a long-time dream of having just an occasional un-prodded, reminder-free, heartfelt "thought"... Just because, or to let me know I mean something whether it's some random day in April, or February 14th... not because it's expected, or because everyone else does it really... just because you really care.
Cupid, go to Hell.

5 comments:

Jay said...

Valentine's Day is stupid.

The commercialization of it puts too much pressure on us to go along with all this stooooopid stuff. I totally resist and don't feel guilty for a second about it. ;-)

Kenski said...

RIGHT ON, SISTER!

Imagine how I feel... my other half's birthday is 2/12 and because it worked out in 2005 that the Saturday after Mardi Gras was the 12th, that's when we had out New Orleans wedding... then two days later there's V-Day!

I've pushed this year to 'move' our anniversary back the 'the Saturday after Mardi Gras', which is a more reasonable 28th Feb (I think). Confuses the hell out of the family, but hey, that's OK!

Still got to do the birthday thing and still make V-day special, somehow!

furiousBall said...

I concur, in fact this year, I'm sending pictures of my junk for all my "valentines"

g-man said...

I get a card, I say happy V-day, and then I wait for our anniversary next week. We do something special for that.

Tink said...

Amen!

Do you know what Hoop and I are doing today? Nuttin. Hoop is in the living room playing video games and I'm sitting in my PJs (still) reading blogs. And here we will probably sit for the rest of the day. I refuse to acknowledge this Hallmark holiday.