Thursday, March 29, 2007

Stuck In A Rut With A Buzzcut

Lately I'm still feeling a sort of "tightness" or anxiety towards the future. Not the regular way that you sweat about the future and wonder what's in store for you, and thinking about the bright future one might have. It's a much more 'morbid' fixation. Constantly, in the back of my mind I am anxious and worried about how much time I have left with my parents. I can't imagine what this world will be like when either one of them is gone. Although I know that I will still have people in my life on whom I can depend, the non trusting part of me is afraid that these two people (the only two people in the whole world that have yet to let me down) are the only two that I can truly rely on... I'm trying to deal with those thoughts, but sometimes it's easier said than done.

I realize it is really terrible to worry about how much time is left, and it does take away from the enjoyment that we have right now "this very moment" as I have posted about before. But partly, my Mom has had something to do with it as well. She's been fixated on trying to 'tie up loose ends', and making sure that everything is settled legally because I think that she fears that if these things are not settled that our family (when the time eventually comes) will go into some sort of Full-on war about it all. It has just been little things I guess that got to her for some reason, and she's let it get her down a bit I think. Gotten into such a 'darkened' state, which is unlike my normal Mom with her ever-sunny disposition. She said just the other day, 'It's just that time of life.' Great... more to look forward to in this life.

However, things took a silly turn today when I talked to her on the phone regarding weekend plans. She told me that my Dad got a buzz cut and that he looked like a Skinhead!! She said that they went to eat at Huddlehouse on the way home, and remarked that 'he didn't even have anything to put on his head.' Then something happened. She began to laugh... and laugh... and laugh some more. I'm sure Dad was making faces in the background like he always does, but it was his predicament of having no hair, and her telling him that he would have to keep his face smoothly-shaven to go along with his new 'Skinhead look'. I'm not sure why it all struck her so funny, but all I know is it was so wonderful to hear her laugh like that. The kind of laugh that brings tears to your eyes, and you can't stop. She had me laughing over the phone, and then I had tears in my own eyes.

You can be that I'm going to get some pictures of Dad with his head shaved... That's for certain!


awaiting said...

Wow...another touching and completely well written post.

You are such a wonderful woman and daughter.

Cindi said...

I can relate so much to how you feel. Just today when I saw my mother before going to work today, I was struck by how much she has aged. She just had her 66th birthday recently. I am very close with my parents and the older I get the more precious I realise these days are.