Friday, December 07, 2007

Santa Dearest

deer santa:

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!


Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?


Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.



Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly?

It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?


Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love, Francis

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.


Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love, Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor?

Two words, Jim Beam.


Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made by little kids like you in China Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.


P.S. Tell your mom she got the part.

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?

Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.


Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one? Timmy


That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.


Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love, Marky


First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,


Wanna laugh some more?? Watch This video sent to me by Dan! TGIF!!! :)



Supurb vid!!!!

Dear Santa

My name is Arnie from California.

I want a GI Joe with all his uniforms and his remote control jeep and a gripping hand with a rocket launcher.

Dear Santa

My name is Ahmed from Afghanistan.

I want a rocket launcher

Dear Santa

My name is Amanda from London, England.

I want a Barbie play house with Barbie and Ken in matching outfits and matching outfits for me too please

Dear Santa

My name is Lupe from Paraguay

I want a stick.

To make fire with!

Dear Santa

My name is Phillip from Ontario.

I want a new Playstation with 50 games and a new dvd and cd player with the all the latest hit movies and albums

Dear Santa

My name is Mustapha from the Sahara.

I want rain.

So I don't have to drink my own urine...

Jay Cam said...

lol santa seems like a really cool guy..

in the vide it sucks for the woman who got locked in the room with that thing!

Jay said...

I think some of those letters accidentally got sent to Billy Bob "Bad Santa" Thornton. hahaha

Japanese TV is non-stop entertainment. I love it.

katy said...

great post AJ and the video is hilarious
have a great weekend

Ordinary Janet said...

that's a funny video!

Joel said...

ugh, funny stuff!

Have a great weekend :)

R.E.H. said...

I always knew Santa had a heart of gold ;) Especially when he informs the kid of the brutal truth about his dad and the babysitter ;)

And the vid really made me laugh - thanks! I needed that today.

Speedcat Hollydale said...

That's a "hard" tell it like it is Santa. I wonder what's in his bag of toys.... coal, knives, old cell phones, and an atari 2600 with no controllers?
Dear Santa,
I am cold and need a new sweater.
Santa: Get a job, and pay some taxes. You are a beggar!

I want a giant sized chicken sammi for X-mas.