Monday, December 17, 2007

Chasing My Tail

Stay tuned, here's my ideas, thoughts, you know... the Monday blurb.

I don't think I'm ever going to mature any further, and I don't believe that I was ever really meant to be domesticated. I always feel that wild hair to go running, screaming naked through a big field... in the middle of nowhere. (Not literally, I guess I mean that as an analogy for feeling restless and wild all the time). I know this would've never been great news to my family, who worries when someone doesn't settle down and manufacture the chitlins.

Well, I was rolling along quite well (so I thought), hit a speed bump, rolled off Life's highway and landed on the alter, oddly after I turned 31. We've never started a chitlin business, and I don't really plan on it... I don't see anything wrong with that, I don't feel that parenting is for everyone. I also think the world could really use more people who actually give parenting great thought as opposed to just irresponsibly squeezing em' out (sorry to sound barbaric there). Now, I know that sometimes things happen, and I am one of those 'everything happens for a reason' people as well. But many of you would agree with me, I think, that there are some people out there we've all seen who simply should not have had children.

Everyone always tells me I would be or would've been a good mother, but I myself have always had my doubts so I have tried my best to stay childless, and do the right thing... It is hard enough in this world sometimes, just taking care of myself... and besides, having a husband is having to feel like a friggin mother sometimes anyway. I was thinking on this today... When it was 'just me', I didn't have to think or feel about anything. "Am I being a good wife?", "Am I doing enough stuff to show that I care?", "What sort of stuff goes through his head?", "Does he even care about any of this crap?", and the list goes on in women's heads, believe me. (Can't speak for everyone of course). But I can bet you money, he's not concerning himself with anything but his next meal, and how nice that girls ass looks over there... right guys??

I don't know why... once it's been signed, sealed and delivered it's like a job sometimes... and you feel like you're always 'on duty', and thoughts of yourself (myself) just take a backseat.

I think back to the simple days, when "l-o-v-e" (or something like it) felt like electricity and every song described how you felt. I was always alot like a guy, just going along taking everything as it came, and experiencing whatever I felt like experiencing. You could feel good because you had time to 'get ready for a date', so of course you looked your absolute best. Married?? Oh yeah, wake up with the breath (everyone does), trying your best to keep some sort of romantic appeal to the relationship because you see each other every day--that bad side is bound to come out dancing around here and there. Can't talk about stuff, because of course everything gets called "nagging" but there are just some things too annoying to keep a blind eye to. Bad hair, no makeup, crappy clothes days... days without having your feet pedicured, or body properly shaved... you gotta make effort to keep all this stuff rolling. But sometimes, it's hard to stay all pumped up without positive feedback from the other person...

Don't get me wrong, I love my Mr. J, and I hope our relationship stays true and long, but oftentimes I wonder if I hadn't landed there at that alter, with Mr. J would I ever have gotten married at all?? Would I be happy?? Would I be lonely as hell?? Would I be partying and still burning my candle at both ends? I sometimes feel like I want those things... but I remember when I had it like that, all we did as single people was to try and find a kinship with someone, a companionship, a soul connection... Is it always a vicious circle?? Are we as humans ever satisfied with anything? Makes me think... and wonder.

All this ran through my mind as I rolled down the highway to attempt a little bit of Christmas shopping, listening to those songs on the radio, some of them permanently attached to memories so sweet... others not so lovely. I'll always be the same person, deep down. I know that. I don't want to lose "her"... I guess we'll always have the dreams at night, and the daydreams in the middle of the day, when your thoughts drift away from the maniacal workload after lunch when we're watching that clock.

Running all the time, either to do something for someone, or for responsibility's sake... or running from something. Sometimes I don't know what, and sometimes I'm just chasing the future, or chasing what I think is the future and it usually turns out to be my very own tail.


Jay said...

Getting married, having kids and settling down isn't for everybody. Some people are made for that some aren't. I don't think I'd be that great of a dad. I mean, I'd try, but I'm pretty sure I'd resent the hell out of the kid most of the time. Also, part of me didn't want kids cause I'm afraid being a crappy dad is hereditary. ;-)

Unfortunately, here I am almost 40, not married and no kids and I STILL don't fee all that free. Weird huh?

Further on up the road said...

Well you've just summed up a whole bunch of my thoughts very well there.... and I'm 45 married for 22 years with two kids.

But with my eldest off to university next year I'm now thinking. So why am I here? She probably only wanted me to get them to this point? Many of her peers are breaking up and starting out with more exciting men, you know the live for the day types who just say "Hello" and seem to have girls falling over them with there flash cars, flash houses etc.

I don't know about others but I also fear one day she'll say "what are you still doing here?" and frankly I'll have no answer

Anonymous said...

Me too(at 23!) I'm reading reality even before I'm married!

JINKS said...

Wonderful blog. I enjoy someone who lets us get inside their heart as well as their head.
Keep em coming.