I'm supposed to be feeling so festive right about now. I have been trying, I really have. I guess I'm just not trying hard enough. I stepped into a bath that was actually hotter than I could stand this morning, and I forced myself to endure the temperature so that I could try to wake up and feel like one of the living. As I lay back soaking, I thought to myself "This is the most comfortable and care-free I am going to feel all day long", and I simply didn't want to get out and face it all today. But I did anyway, just like we all have to [most of the time].
I don't really feel free to blog in detail about it, but I am increasingly worried about my parents these days. My father's health, and his episodes and care are taking a toll on my Mother and she is not an easy one to talk to or try to help. She's always near tears, and sounding sick. However, I myself am sick with worry and don't know what to do, or what's going to happen... But I feel as though everyone is too busy and caught up with their own lives though to "band together" and try to overcome all this and help Mom and Dad. I'm nervous to what the near future holds for my parents, our family. There are many more thoughts and worries that I wish I could express, but I know I cannot. But the whole thing just makes me very sad.
I want so much to look forward to Christmas with my family, but am doubtful that it is going to be a jubilant gathering. I do hope that none of the kids are sick, or that nobody brings any extra illnesses into the household because I don't think my Mom can take an extra germ... She's been sick with the same thing for a few weeks now, and I'm scared she is too weak to handle catching something... It seems that every time we have a holiday or event someone's kids are ill or getting ill when they arrive-
Is there anything wrong with feeling this way? Can it be helped? Most people say "tough it up, there's nothing you can do about it". But I can't just dismiss how I feel... things are more sentimental for me maybe than others, but that doesn't make me ridiculous. I know that I don't have any children of my own, and maybe I don't have as many---or perhaps I should say 'the same' responsibilities as the other members of my family. I realize that everyone has to live their life and take care of their own things too, that's natural and that's life.
I just hope we can all remember that none of it would've been possible if it hadn't been for Mom and Dad, our family would not exist as we know it, and now they need to be cared for and loved just like they gave every ounce of love and care when trying to do what was best for us and help us to grow up and have good lives... I'm not ready to dismiss them as dead, or feel that there is nothing else that can be done. I know they're difficult a lot of the time, but I feel like we are at a critical time in their life now, where we might live to regret things we 'could've done to help' if we don't.
I'm also afraid that I have a husband who is not going to understand my grief, and doesn't realize things are as serious as they are... Maybe he can't help it. I don't know. I just hope he can find it in his heart to be selfless and at least try to help me through the things that I'm going to be going through. I'm so scared about it all, and I don't know what to do.
This song has always made me feel creepy in a way since Stephen King's "The Stand" but I felt like hearing it today. Video by Crowded House