Monday, August 25, 2008

Memphis Monday Blues

*Announcement (mainly for family): My Aunt Lorena's husband Dave passed away in the early hours of Sunday I think. His hospitalization due to Alzheimer's Disease, and also Pneumonia took their toll. Visitation is Wednesday from 10-12 and the Services begin at 12:00 Noon, so if you're going in support of Mom or Aunt Lorena, or want to send anything, contact Mom for the details. Not that you are expected to, or were going to--just FYI. I will be going to the funeral basically to help Mom get there, and also to support Aunt Lorena.

on to today's 'things-n-stuff'...

Why is it that every day in this city brings me 'that much closer' to throttling those around me? I meditate, I slack when I can and need to, I take deep breaths, I play my music, I ride my bike in the wind, and still I find my fingertips aching to tap the life out of some of these idiots.

A few examples I suppose, for this lovely beginning of a new week.

1. One thing, and albeit this is minor: Yesterday, I saw the most dilapidated, beat-to-death truck rolling down the street, and it had the coolest, shiniest wheels that money could buy. What's the point in this?? Your truck needs lots of body work, and it looks trashy, but your wheels are sure "purdy". [Cracks you over the skull with a sledgehammer] (sigh)

2. Ok, more on "Gym Etiquette". I know this is probably nit-picking, or maybe I am just this easy to annoy... but is it SOOOOO NECESSARY to get a machine close to me, so early in the morning, and proceed to slap, and stomp and CLACK your way to fitness as loud as humanly possible? This one little hog-faced girl did just that this morning. She wasn't on the treadmill, but the elliptical machine. Everything was going fine, I was happily plugged in to the cardio theatre on my headphones, sweating along in fat-burn mode when all of a sudden, I hear what can only be described as a retarded, three-legged swamp monster. I look over to see the girl bent forward at a 90-degree angle, hanging on for dear life and trying to peddle about 70 mph on the damn thing. She did this for approximately 15 seconds every 10 minutes... All I can do is contain myself. I just don't get it. Plus, don't people realize that their clod-hopping around is very disruptive to other people trying to work out peacefully?

3. Oh yeah, these anonymous freaks who continue to dial my number with their "Unknown Name / Unknown Number" thing, or some far-out toll-free number with no decent identification. Over and over, ringing the phone, disturbing my peace. I do not answer phone calls from unknown numbers, or numbers that I do not recognize first off. Secondly, I have been home sick before and these mysterious terrorists are calling during the day (so they assume someone isn't out trying to make a living), then they are calling all weekend long, even until late hours. So they can harass you even in your time of trying to relax away from the world. I know they have 'some sort' of job, I guess, either that or they are hard-at-work trying to scam people. Either way, give it up, you're not getting me. I usually Google an unknown number (if the # is actually showing), and find that it is some scam, or has been complained about by others, or is a telemarketer. In cases of Telemarketers, what's up with that?? I thought by sending my # in to the "Do Not Call" list was supposed to greatly improve, if not RID me of this problem. Just more bullshit.

Ok, ok, on to more fun matters... Off my bitch-wagon (for now).

Jay Is Da Man!!! He has the capacity to make boring days entertaining... So recently, he put up "the Needs Post". It was kind of fun, and good for slight relief of the boredom of the weekend... since it was misty and uneventful(Except for Playing Poker Late on Saturday night).

All you do is go to Google and then type in your name and then "needs" and then search those words. Then you tell everyone what Google says you need. It turned out to be kinda humorous so I decided to post it. I did Richie's below that because his actually turned out way funnier than mine... Here's your laugh:

Jackie Needs:

Jackie needs your help! (I am always in need of help... and if you are a good Christian, you'll open up your wallets and send me your money. Every dollar helps. If you don't want to make a money donation, then of course I can always use a personal assistant... Ok, i'm totally joking... Although I probably do "need help").

Jackie needs Harry Potter like Grindylow needs water. I don't even know what to say to this. Harry Potter is cool and all, but he's no life-or-death matter for me... sorry Harry.

Jackie needs you to know. Yes that's true... if you don't know it, I really wish you would learn it. Especially if it affects my peace of mind or over-all well being. ;) So get 'hooked on phonics', or take a computer-learning course, or read the inquirer... whatever it takes to get you in-the know!

Jackie needs a dose of real-world reality (and being an Avon lady doesn't count!). I don't know what this means exactly but these people are stone-cold crazy if they think that I need any doses of this crap called "reality". I've got no use for the stuff!

Jackie needs a friend. Everyone needs friends... and Jackie is no exception. However, I do prefer true friends and not just friends who are looking to gain something from someone, or to use em' and lose em'... that's just not cool.

Jackie needs your assistance in order to make her accessible for even more nationalities. That's true, feel free to spread the word about me and shine my blog light on the world! Tell a friend.

Jackie wants YOU to be a part of her international campaign. (see above)

Jackie needs a new home. I'm still waiting on my million-dollar check from Ed McMahon, but if there are any philanthropists out there who are feeling generous, I won't sneeze at a cool place with enough space to really get into my art work. Nothing with a 'guest house' though. Those things encourage people to way overstay their welcome.

Jackie needs caffeine. I love caffeine and of course I need all of it I can get my hands on. Do you want to see me after I have had too much?? Probably not.

Jackie needs to get a personality. That's a little insulting. I think the one I have right now is damn frikkin fine! :)

Jackie needs a bit of a rethink musically. Well, you're treading on dangerous ground here, but change, growth and constructive criticism are good.

Jackie needs all the food she wants now and after she lays eggs. Excuse me?? WTF!!!

Jackie needs to also start taking responsibilities for her own actions.(yeah like that will ever happen). Hey, who are you to judge these things?!?!

Jackie's just trying so hard to be the "woo-woo-woo" clown. "woo-woo-woo clown??" You're losing me here...

GORGEOUS JACKIE NEEDS A FUREVER HOME - This was capitalized in the link, so that's not me... I do agree on the Gorgeous, but already have my FUREVER HOME with Mr. J and my furry little family.

Jackie needs to get revenge. Revenge, is oh-so-sweet, and I will get it if I need to, it's almost sweeter than Chocolate, so don't get on my Shit List.

Jackie needs to write a book and go across the USA... Yes. I really do... That would be frikkin sweet!

Jackie needs to be "re-trained" by her mother. She apparently never learned how to respect others. Mom?? Is that you?? What are you doing on the internet?!?!

Jackie needs someone who will exercise her and play with her and give her the companionship that she hasn't yet gotten in her life. Hey hey hey, now wait a darn minute!! I have had my share of companionship, and I'm trying to exercise... But if this is "George Clooney Alien", feel free to assist!

Little Jackie Needs to Cry.
As a matter-of-fact, I think I do! (please stand by............................)

Jackie needs to fill the hole. Now you're talkin!!!

Jackie needs an anchor to pull her back to earth when she gets carried away. Let's not get crazy now...

Jackie, needs to mind her business. I do mind my business, very well. So well, in fact that I have plenty of time to mind yours too. haha!

Jackie O needs to grow up. If ever I have heard the ring of falseness, that was it... Growing up sucks. I refuse to comply with this one!

Jackie needs to get out and have some fun! Yes yes and more yes... one can't have too much fun. I'm all about it!

Jackie needs to man up! Just let me know how and why and I'll consider... maybe. :)

As I said, I actually enjoyed Richie's way more than mine.

Richie Needs:

Richie needs a cup holder. Pretty harmless there.

Richie needs a hand. He has two already, why does he need more?

Richie needs a sandwich. Yeah he's always complaining to me about this one...

Richie needs to eat a burger or something. Ditto... constantly begging me to cook him dinner. Was that in my contract?? Hmmm (thumbs through pages checking for loopholes)

Richie needs Leg Tanner. BWWAHAHAHA!! He does have some lily-white gams... and funky lil' cave-man feet.

Richie needs sexual affirmation from 11-year-old. Wooahhhhh, let's just slow down here, don't need this kind of trouble. Stand back Gary Glitter, Richie is NOT down with that!

Richie needs a wee. Um, maybe we shouldn't go there... or did you mean to say Wii??

Richie needs a chauffeur ASAP. For what?? I'm his chauffeur.

Richie needs a buttery biscuit! LOL!!!!

Richie needs a boyfriend. I have to admit, if he left me for a boy I would be less hurt than if he left me for a girl... I don't know why, but I feel this way.

Richie needs to be spanked. I will make sure we execute this one, I'm all for discipline. lol j/k

Richie needs any excuse for a party. This is so true, if you only knew... it's all men I think.

Richie needs 18 months to learn how to 'just say no'. This is true in cases where his friends ask him for favors and crap... seems like he always goes above and beyond for his "friends", but when he needs them, they're nowhere in sight.

Richie needs to get help! Yeah... he does.

Richie needs to consider other people and how they feel. Especially when it comes to yours truly (that's moi! haha!!)

Richie needs to hit rewind and do this shit again.
Don't we all baby... don't we all.

Richie needs a shave. Yeah, especially on his back.

Richie needs to invest in some SPF 30 to protect those moobs... I couldn't help but laugh uncontrollably when I read this one. Moobs... rofl!!!

Richie needs to eat that cookie! You ain't NEVA LIED!!! :)

Ok, enough goofy fun for Monday, now GET TO WORK YOU LAZY SLACKERS!!!


JINKS said...

girl, you have me laughing on a Monday and ....I needed that.

Jay said...

Sorry about your Aunt Lorena's husband.

So are you saying I should stop calling all the time? You'd think I would take the hint since you don't pick up, wouldn't you? LOL

Kenski said...

I knew I shouldn't have tried the google thing. First thing that came up was "Ken needs a p***s" (Barbie reference I HOPE).


"Cool Ken needs to switch on..."

"Ken Needs To Reach Out To Lib Dems..."

"Ken needs female competition..."

"Maybe Ken needs a hug and some new windchimes..."

...enough said. Spookily accurate!