Friday, January 26, 2007

Chapter 2: Strippers, Video Cams & The Unholy Crud

More parties came and went. Rich would be at many of them as well. We continued to support the local music scene, going to most of the shows. Occasionally, big names like "The Melvins", "Cannibal Corpse", "Nile", "Dick Delicious and the Tasty Testicles" among others would make appearances and of course everyone would go. I hadn't used the number or the e-mail addy that Rich had given me yet. Wasn't giving him really the time of day, but he continued to hang out near us, always talking to me at all the shows, being such a cool guy.

Legion of Divine Punishment's members, including Rich, all lived in a big two-story house together. You can only imagine the seedy debauchery that went on. They had a swimming pool, so there were pool parties, strippers [and other 'ho's', which I won't mention any names, cuz if I get started i'll say something i'll regret] that visited and sometimes lived in the house, everything that goes along with parties and drinking. You get the picture. More often than not, everyone ended up over at the "Legion House" (as we called it) after the show, party or no party.

The cast of characters was more than memorable. Let's see, there was their bass player at the time Doug, who was convinced that he was a 'chosen one' for the Aliens when they arrive on Earth. He'd had an accident which messed up his back, and some important muscles in the rectal area, so supposedly he was impotent and had problems going to the bathroom. Richie affectionately nicknamed him "Dead Dick Doug", and called him that until he cried. (My husband is loving like that) Then there was "Jimmy Buckets", who got his name from always having to throw up in a bucket if I'm remembering correctly. He was the guy who'd fallen down Legion's staircase more times than we could count, and once burned a hole in my pantyhose with his cigarette when he had his head turned harassing my friend. There was "Super Skred", who was an old-school Rocker that lived in the trailer park in Atoka, where he ran his own auto shop out of his driveway. Wherever Super Skred went, fights always followed. There was Rod Gunn (not a fake name, yes he missed his calling) who was just a cool guy in general.

There were the guys from "EOU", which I won't spell out for privacy reasons. Their crazy bass player, "Totty" who always got mad when I called him "Tater Totty", liked to inflict pain on himself, and others if he could get hold of them, and once got his hair caught in his bass guitar while head banging on stage. Tamra and I laughed until we cried. He got mad, of course.

There was Lev's brother Matt, who would do nearly any insane stunt that someone coerced him into. Once Richie told him to go and kick Dead Dick Doug in the balls, and he promptly went over and did, only to make Doug cry... again. The gang eventually told Rich he was too cruel for calling Doug that name, so Richie changed it to 'Broke Cock Brye', just didn't have the same ring to me.

And THEN there was Gabe. Oh lord, what can I say about Gabe? He was a freaky fellow, with dark, curly bushy hair and thick eyebrows. He didn't have a regular place to live, and sometimes helped out at the clubs and venues, or maintained some of the practice spaces for a place to stay. Not always hygienic (that's all i'll say), and was caught hiding in the bathroom closet on more than one occasion when people went to pee... yes, I was a victim of that. In short, he made me uncomfortable.

On many occasions, someone would have a video camera capturing the magic that was the "Legion House", and on this particular night, Gabe had the camera. He was following people around filming, and on this occasion he was focusing his lens on ME. I was planning on staying around that evening, as it was pretty late and Gabe was going to be sleeping downstairs too. Rich had tried to get me up to his room on more than one occasion, and lucky for him, Gabe had freaked me out completely, so I happily accepted.

"Come on up here!" Rich beckoned. I suspiciously and creepily eyeballed Gabe, looking perversely through the lens at me. Looked back up at Rich at the top of the stairs and sprang up there to his side. We went into his room, which had his Playstation, TV, and tons of junk. His bed was merely a couple of stacked mattresses on the floor, no headboard, no frame, just the mattresses. Quite the pig sty, but a site better than the likes of downstairs... where Gabe was lurking. One of Rich's friends was asleep over in his room, passed out. Richie and I talked for a while and were just chilling out on his bed. We'd become pretty good friends by now as much as we'd chatted, so I was comfortable. I was crashing there, so we were going to sleep and Rich put his arms over me, attempting to 'cuddle'. I felt stiff as a board. I still didn't have any physical thoughts about him, and I had thwarted his efforts to get with me a few times over the months since we'd met. The hour was late but stiffly, I slept through the night and Rich remained a gentleman, much to his dismay i'm sure.

The next morning, I sprang awake at an ungodly 8:40 a.m. and I was antsy to get home. I didn't have a ride, so I had to beg Rich to take me home. I pestered him until he was awake enough to drive me back to my apartment. He was none-too-pleased to have to get up that early after going to bed near dawn anyway, but being the nice guy he was, he did it. We got his friend Chris up, who needed to get home too, and hopped into Rich's monstrous "Lincoln Towncar". This was his favorite car, he had nicknamed it "The Boat" because as you glide down the street you feel like you're floating in a boat. He dropped Chris off first, making me even more antsy. Afterwards, he decided he wanted to take me on a tour through the area his grandmother lived and where his Mother had been raised. I feigned interest, wishing to hell he would hurry up and get me home. I could not escape fast enough! When we arrived at my apartment, I politely expressed appreciation, "Thanks for the ride, see ya later then." I disappeared up the staircase of my small low-income apartment complex, and Rich backed out and drove away.

Consequently, I caught the worst case of 'CRUD' (as we nicknamed it) that I'd had maybe ever... the kind of 'CRUD' that you think you get over and two weeks later you get a relapse. You feel like the walking dead and cough-up green stuff from your chest. Nasty green stuff, a green so putrid you can't find it on the color wheel... Where did it come from? Someone had given it to everyone in the Legion House I found out later. It did not make my first day at my new job pleasant at all. I had to go home sick 30 minutes into my first day, which made me nervous with all of the bad job luck I had been through in the last couple years.

Sometimes the Unholy Crud can cloud your mind. But when the mucous finally cleared, along with my mind I began seeing things in a whole new light. There would be a four-leaf clover I would soon look over. But first, a Black Sun would overshadow and obstruct my view.

{ To Be Continued }

**That's right! You'll have to tune in for the next chapter folks! hee hee!! Aren't you getting inpatient? And feeling sorry for Mr. J??**


RockDog said...

That's cool a cool story so far! I dig all of the crazy names. I love tales of drunken debauchery!

Of course, you had me hooked simply with the title! LOL!

Aunt Jackie said...

Of course I knew that would be a zinger.

chelly said...

The title reeled me in too. More story I say, more!

her indoors said...

i am really enjoying the telling of this it is great ta