Sunday or Something Like It

(photo on left taken Halloween 1996 I think--haha!)

I hope that this post finds you nearing the end or having had an extreme, hardcore fantastic weekend. Once again, as for me it was NOT NEARLY LONG ENOUGH!!! ARRRGH!

As promised, I have decided to try out the voice post for you today, and I have included below, my Podcast for Sunday, May 4, 2008. Just a note, however, the set-up I used to begin with doesn't sound so great, it has a lot of noise, you can hear the microphone noises... so I will fix all that hopefully next time. Maybe it will be at least bearable... But my apologies beforehand, as the whole recording probably sounds stupid.

I included a reading of the below journal entry from December 3, 1986 (I did more skipping ahead). Here is the written journal entry (read if you like), or if you would rather, then skip to the podcast and go back and try the text if you are unable to understand something.

Jackie's Private Journal - Entry #36 - December 3, 1986

You know, you can tell how much I've changed since I first started writing this thing (close to 2 yrs). So many things happen and I go back and read about stuff and my moods. Like at first I would write about feelings + moods and crushes, then I turned to writing problems and what I wanted and dreamed of and did! Because of Chance! I decided to take certain turns in the maze of life and there's just no end; I have so many different sides to me and certain music brings them out and I write about getting cheated on or having no friends (which, for me is true at that particular time) and I get over it and keep my world slowly, but quickly turning and I look back on sweet times I've had and when I shared special moments and feelings with someone, and I'll get depressed because I think that one day I'll not have these people and those particular moments will never occur again.

I'm so scared to lose those people, the only ones who love me, because nobody else really cares about you. I'm scared and I won't even find a mate to truly love me as much as my parents do. Yet I know one day I will have to face life head on without Mom & Dad and I don't think I can! I want to but I can't bare the thought. I'm independent and so forth in lots of ways but THEY are all I have and all I will ever have! (I know this) [I need to cry].

I want a full satisfying life but I'm sure I won't have one. I need love so badly that 'he' won't let me have it because (I think) I'm so prone to lust & giving in. But I wish god would give me my chance so I could get some outside happiness. Besides, both my parents smoke and if I don't find someone to be with soon, I may be left all alone and they don't understand. What'll become of me? I'm afraid that I might kill myself because I couldn't make it without them and I'll never have a partner, so I would have nothing! And that is why I get so depressed sometimes so please hear me!

Love, Jackie

**Note: You see?? I was such a weird mess as a teenager!! Kill myself?!? I've never been suicidal, I don't know where that came from. And I was constantly worrying that I was going to be left alone (o.k., I still do that sometimes), but I mean... GEEZZZ!! Call Sigmund Freud somebody! I was such a ball of emotions and misunderstanding of life. 16 years old, and worried that your parents are going to die and you will be left all alone so you needed to find a mate?? WTF?!? Lord have mercy... hahahaha. O.k., end of note... Enjoy the podcast (for what it is worth).

Once again, please excuse the quality of the sound on the podcast...

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