Wednesday, May 07, 2008

You Mock Me

This morning, while giving the elliptical machine a run for its money, I looked out the gym window and watched the birds execute their morning duties. They were catching worms and bugs, all for me to see. It was like my very own nature special. One bird in particular, landed right by the window, and even appeared to look through the window and "stare me down". It is the same bird that has been haunting me for quite some time now, the Mockingbird.

A number of years ago, I agreed to house sit for my Sister, Vickie while they went on vacation for a few days. I was to stay there and take care of their Chocolate Lab, Bosco. If you know anything about Labrador Retrievers, then you will know that they are very sweet dogs, but they act a bit retarded. (Not in a bad way, they're just goofy). So Bosco and I were getting on well throughout my stay, he pretty much did his thing, and I did mine (which was mainly chat with weirdos on my sister's computer and watch t.v.--television at Vickie's house was always the best, or so it seemed).

One tragic day, however the fates were very badly aligned. I was minding my own business, glued to the recliner watching something obviously brilliant on t.v., when I heard a commotion on the screened in back porch. I looked out, and there was a bird trapped inside. Being an avid animal lover, I flew through the door and began rescue operations. For a while, I ran around trying to catch the bird to release him outside, and he wasn't being very cooperative. I ran in circles, until the bird flew up into the Turbine up in the ceiling. When this happened, I was quite panicked thinking about the innocent sweet mockingbird and how he might get beat to a pulp, or just get dizzy and fall to his death. However, it was a windy day, so the turbine was going at a harrowing speed. 'What am I going to do?!?' I thought frantically.

Then, like a message from God himself, it came to me. I looked into the corner, and there stood a very long fishing pole. Like fate, there was a chair very close to me whispering "Stand on meeeeee... grab that handy fishing pole over there, and use it to stop the turbine and save the bird!! If you stop it, he will come... down."

EUREKA!!! That's it! That's what I've got to do... I'll use the chair to stand on, and I will stick the fishing pole up into the turbine, causing it to stop and the bird will be able to fly to safety. Pure genius!!!

So that's exactly what I did. I positioned the chair 'just so' underneath the turbine, and carefully climbed up. Watching my balance, I eased the tip of the fishing rod up into the turbine, catching one of the bars. It worked! Immediately, the turbine ground to a halt. Now, the bird could go free! I am good... yeah babayyy!!!

Just then, as I was looking straight up, trying to save this little precious bird's life, something fell down upon my lip. Something cold and wet and disgusting. "WTF?!? It's bird shit!" F##**Ng ungrateful bird just shit on my lip! When it actually hit me that I had this disease-filled substance on my lip (thank Jesus it didn't go in my mouth), I dropped the fishing rod, flew off the chair and bolted towards the bathroom. I nearly tripped over the lovely and talented Bosco, as he was pacing back and forth acting retarded (as Chocolate Labs will do). I shouted in a demonic voice (as if in a slow-motion scene from a movie), "GET-OUTTA-THAWWWAYYYY!!!"

When I got to the bathroom, holding my lip very steady and motionless, I filtered through the cabinet to find any substance I could to scour my lip... Windex, Listerine, Comet. I didn't stop to think about the potential dangers of any cleaners, I just scrubbed, and disinfected, and scrubbed even more. All thoughts about the bird and his safety had completely escaped my mind by this time. He could've been spinning in circles until he was scrambled, and I wasn't concerned. The whole bird shit incident took so much out of me that I can't remember anything else past the cleaning part... and I never saw that particular bird again.

However, nearly ever mockingbird that's passed me by since then has stopped and taken a long, pensive stare into my eyes, mockingly. He knows! They all know... and they're never going to let me forget.


Nothingman said...

ha ha ha, that was funny as shit! One time a bird flew into the fan in my room. I couldn't make my mind whether it was shocking or cool :P


Anonymous said...

That is funny even now. You really hated my dog ... so the bird got even!!! You need to tell the story about house sitting for your friend and the bird. Maybe you have given up house sitting now.
Love Ya Sister Dear

Jay said...

That bird just didn't want to be rescued! And then it went and posted this story on it's own bird blog. That's how they all know about that "incident." LOL ;-)

Aunt Jackie said...

HAHA Nothingmand!! Yes, it was funny (now looking back), not really at the time I had shit on my lip though. My sister laughs at it of course (see below).

"ANONYMOUS" Vickie!! Yes, I suppose it is great for a laugh (now). No, I don't much relish house sitting these days haha!!

Jay! I think I was framed. That bird knew what he was doing. And now I have the whole NAMB after me (National Association of Mockingbirds)! IF they did a video, maybe it went Viral in the Mockingbird community.


R.E.H. said...

Now that's kinda funny - I also speak of bird poop on my post today ;)

Anyway - that was a really funny story, and - EEEW! - I don't know what I would do should a bird shit on my lip.

Manic Street Preacher said...

vodka would have removed it best....

hiya babe ;-) x

Kim said...

LMAO. I realllly hated I missed seeing that myself. Universal Consciousness. All the birds KNOW.