Monday, March 24, 2008

Cracked Eggs

Time to do the after-Easter feelings purge. I enjoyed going to Mom and Dad's, of course, I always do. However, it is stressful in a lot of ways. It seems like Mom and I always end up on the "What's going to happen once your Dad and I are gone" conversation, which I hate and dread, but I know that I have to be an "adult" and keep my head and make some decisions and hear her out. Still, it sucks nonetheless. Then there is Dad's current 'altered state of consciousness'. By that, I mean he's just in his own little world. He gets these weird thoughts in his head, and says all kinds of weird stuff now. He obsesses over certain things too... like if he gets an idea in his head, that's all he thinks about.

Currently (well for a while really), he has been completely obsessed with the idea that I should be on "The Grand Ole Opry". He thinks I should go there and sing the song "Daddy's Hands" by Holly Dunn, which I did for him on a recording once when my friend Kim and I went to Nashville for a weekend trip (a long time ago). He went into details telling me that I have to get there by 8:00--or rather, they opened the doors at 6:00, and go on by 8:00 I think, and that they will give me an instrument and provide an outfit as well.

Where this information comes from, I'm not entirely sure. Does he dream it up? Does he think that he knows it and is just making it up as he goes along? Is it coming from some other strange brain damage we're not aware of? Or is he continually having 'mini strokes' or something? It's scary to me.

Normally, I would be annoyed and sigh and tell him to stop bugging me about the Grand Ole Opry because I am not going to be a country singer and he should stop trying to rule my music tastes. But since the situation is different now, and the tables have turned, I am more the 'adult', and he's more of a child who doesn't think of normal things anymore... I can't really say anything to him. I can only sit back and try to agree, and do what I can to allow him to be happy. After all, he deserves that right?? He's lived over 80 years now and that has to account for something.

I have even entertained the idea of getting some friends with video equipment, and get some fellow musicians together (that are willing to assist), and making a "Staged Grand Ole Opry" and pretending that I really did it, then giving him the DVD... If he thinks it then maybe he can be happy. Once he said, "I wish you would go to the Grand Ole Opry before I die".

How on earth am I supposed to grin and bear all this talk of death and morbidity with a smile on my face?? Between Dad and his fuzzy pink Country Music star fantasies, and Mom and the Living Will Sessions, I feel like screaming sometimes. Then what do I do?? I go on my lunch break to Elmwood Cemetery to relax?? WTF?!? I have to admit it is relaxing for me (and I took a few photos again at lunch working towards tomorrow's WWC, for keywords "Junk" and "Treasure").

I know that death is a part of life, but it doesn't make things any easier to take. As the baby of the family, I never quite managed to, or even wanted to grow up. In fact, I still don't really intend on the "growing up" part, but it looks like I am going to have to pretend... Pretend. I can do that, I've been playing imaginary games and "Tend'n like" since we were small children. If I have my doubts, I will just look for council in the minds of our small youth, they have all the big answers to life's questions anyway.

So this morning, I awoke to another Monday trying to look forward to attempts to solve the week's issues. I have a few things that I MUST resolve this week, no lie. Gonna put one foot in front of the other until the mission is complete. Yeah, 'Jaxxx' has gotta "TCB". That's all I can do. No reason to worry about things I have no control over, if I do then I fear this egg will surely crack... Let's be honest, nobody wants to see that. ;)


Jay said...

I have the opposite problem with my mother. Anytime my sister or I bring up the idea of her needing a will or at least a living will she looks at us like we're planning on killing her. She absolutely refuses to do anything at all, so we'll probably end up at the mercy of the probate courts and whatever local group that loves to intervene in people's lives at times like those.

Jay Cam said...

wow that sounds a little serious.

maybe you should buy him a coffin and deliver to his house. he might change his mind!

BBC said...

"What's going to happen once your Dad and I are gone"

What a silly question, move on and deal with things, that's what. I love to talk about death being as it isn't a concept to me. So lets talk about death.

My death, your death, whatever. Hell, you may not be here next week to talk about it because you might be dead !!!

You of course think you will be here, ha, ha, ha.

Daddy's hands is a great song.

Aunt Jackie said...

Bill, Ted and Death

Aunt Jackie said...

I certainly hope I'm here. I figure that everyone gets at least a smile out of reading my blog.


BBC said...

There sure is some weird stuff on Utube.

Tink said...

It's tough being in your position. No one ever wants to see their parents ill or losing their senses. It's almost like they're not them anymore, they're someone else entirely. But you keep on loving them (even when it scares or annoys you) because you love the people they were...


Further on up the road said...

It's hard. My Mum passed away almost exactly two years ago now from Lymphoma. She was diagnosed with that two years previous and after all the tests and that once they new what type it was she knew, we knew it was only a matter of time until it came to get her.

But still in many ways we ignored it and tried to carry on. In the end her final period was blessfully short and she was fully aware of it all and the decisions etc. And she was comfortable with it.

Tough stuff though knowing you are losing a loved one and unable to really do much about it.

Powerful post - one day sooner or later I'll no doubt have to face this issue, or possibly watch my loved ones have to face it about me. Not something many of us are really capable of facing with that much strength. Stay close to your loved ones.


You live you die the bit in between is called life, enjoy.

My bloody mother is flamin' immortal. Old bat'll outlive me to spite me I reckon.

Know any good and cheap hit men?

Reb said...

It is tough being the baby! You will be the one expected to look after them (been there, done that) when they can't manage themselves.

I wonder if your mom thinks she will go before your dad,it sounds like he is going to need someone to take care of him. I think she wants reassurance that you are able to look after him & yourself should anything happen to her.

Sit and talk to her about what she wants done after she dies. What arrangements she wants for burial, make sure they have wills and everything. It might set her mind at ease knowing that someone is still going to care after they are gone. Maybe once this is done, you can move on to having regular conversations again.

Has your dad had a check up lately? Is this the beginnings of Alzheimer's or maybe something that can be taken care of with a change in diet or medication.

It is not an easy thing having to face the fact that your parents are not immortal. Maybe getting some answers will help your state of mind too.

JINKS said...

Let me know if you do the video, I'd love to play Patsy Cline and introduce you.

Don't fret kiddo, all that love you and your dad share isn't going anywhere. Stop sweating the details, I've lost both my parents and death is detail and a major inconvenience (or convenience depending on the relationship with the deceased)and its temporary. Love lives.