Found these at Modern Drunkard Magazine, and thought some of you would enjoy immensely! (just a few choice ones I liked best):
You Know You're a Drunk When...
Bouncers have a special headlock named after you.
Your dentist is afraid to drill in your mouth for fear of an unexpected spark.
“Taking the edge off” usually means waking up on your lawn.
You’ve stopped drinking, but only when you’re asleep.
When making punch, you dilute the rum with vodka.
Everyone thinks you’re bilingual.
You’ve told a priest, “Make it a triple this time, and hold the wafer.”
Your birthday is a holiday in Scotland.
You’re not sure when Mary Ann snuck out your apartment last night, but you figure it was about the same time Mrs. Howell snuck in.
You receive divorce papers from your liver and it wants full custody of the kidneys.
You drank so much beer last night you single-handedly wore out a fresh urinal cake.
The arresting officer tells you that you have the right to remain silent and you waive that right so you can finish singing 'Enter Sandman'.
You know how to say “Where are my pants?” in seven languages.
You have a lot of respect for that 80-year-old guy at the end of the bar, but you know from experience that he’s a dirty fighter.
Your idea of a seven-course meal is a six-pack and a pizza.
When a panhandler asks, “Can you give me a quarter for some beer?” you reply, “Okay, but I want to taste it first.”
You can tell what bar you’re in by the bottoms of their tables.
Anyone who kisses you must legally wait half an hour to drive.
You think of drinking beer as “sobering up,”
You can tell the difference between a bottle of Jack and a bottle of Jim by the sound they make hitting the back of your head.
You’ve been cut off during communion.
Your idea of karaoke is falling off the stage while yelling “Rock and roll!” into the microphone.
You have a born-on date tattooed on your beer gut.