Thursday, December 03, 2009

Dim Lights Of Dixie

"The Bubba Is A Very Special Breed,
nay, pride of the south"

Growing up in the deep south is not really much like "Gone With The Wind" or even "Driving Miss Daisy", or any of those cheesy movies where the actors wayyyy overdo their impressions of our accents. Don't get me wrong, the south it has its moments... does have its romantic side, I can't deny that. As children, we are blanketed by a beautiful starry sky, collect fireflies in mason jars, play in the warm, sweet summer rain, and in winter get occasional snow without having to shovel driveways all winter long.

To top it off, as southern women, we have our pick of a veritable multitude of "Bubbas" to choose from, glad for the chance to ring our southern bells if we so desire. Lucky, lucky us(!).

Sometimes, however I am rudely awakened from those sweet honeysuckle dreams by the dark sides of Dixie. Yes, there are many. Keep in mind while I discuss, that I understand some of the subsequent items may be universal. Surely similar pariahs exist everywhere.

Let's see, the impending holidays kick us off with number ten my list.

#10. Rudolph The Red-Nosed Range Rover - I have seen instances of this anywhere from SUVs with "Reindeer Horns", wreaths and lights on jeeps, cars, pick-ups.

One might see Santa Claus's head on the grill of a jacked-up 4 Wheel Drive truck, rebel flags-a-flying which state very clearly in big, bold patriotic lettering across its stripes, "REDNECK!!" Woahh, Relax Billy-Bob... no further illustration will be necessary.

#9. I Think We're Alone Now - I noticed these people one night when Rich and I went to the little Mexican restaurant around the corner. There was this bozo... and I understand that I am in a public place and all, but am I so wrong to assume that there should be a degree of respect towards the fellow restaurant patrons? Seriously, it's not exclusive, nor is there a private dining suite. I'm not asking much, just to turn it down a few decibels. The guy was yelling us his entire life story (with the thickest of southern accents). It sounded so annoying, and I am sorry I know I am southern but I still try to speak with some intelligence. He was going on about how he'd always loved Hispanic women "and their long black hair... and beautiful skin". Then some story about the drama with his neighbor. It simply would not cease.

"Just shut it out!" you say? Not that easy for me... In fact, with his droning on and on in thick drawl I was barely able to enjoy conversation with my husband. The point is, I always try to speak at a tolerable level with respect to those around me. So does Richie until he's had a couple of beers, then he is ready to go join the ranks of the loud and not-so-famous across the bar. Oh well.

Y'know... this goes for other places as well, like the workplace with all of the loud conference calls, high-decibel meetings and nightmarish bouts of laughter. I hate to be a party pooper but keep it down over there people!! This is a development area... Can't concentrate with you and your Scooby-doo and 'french chef' giggling. (sigh)

#8. Drag Queens & Kings - These are the road stars. If they can't plow you down to get to their morning, lunch and evening destinations their day is ruined. 80 MPH is not nearly fast enough for them... what are you, retarded?? They have to ride your ass to let you know that YOU aren't getting it right... Let them by and they'll show you how it's done (that or they'll force you off the road). I know it is not nice, but secretly when these racing menaces are busy trying to cut me off and jeopardize all of our lives on the interstate, I fantasize and imagine them flipping their automobile and being turned into breakfast toast.

Where the hell's my coffee?? Cheers!

#7. Peyton's Mom - Here is this beeeotch again. I have a strange feeling that she's slipped into my notes before. She's the perfectly-styled, cookie-cutter epitome of the "Soccer Mom Barbie" complete with her Starbucks travel mug, driving the biggest SUV she could muster (although she has no business behind said wheel), and having decorated the thing with every godawful decal known to man. The most prominent ones will be about how Peyton is an honor student, and how she is Peyton's Mom. They may include his "team #", or a couple of cheerleading pom-poms for Peyton's sister(s) who have the spirit too. More than likely she'll have a tribute to the family pets as well. One round at the red light behind these gasoline-burning road-hogs is the equivalent of being locked in a pink and blue glitter covered fuzzy room with the hottest 52 inch HDTV and being forced to watch marathons of "High School Musical" followed by the Jonas Brothers in concert.

#6. Mi Musica es su Musica - Speaking of nightmarish music... we have our share of people around here who pay very loud homage to their favorite artists. Keep in mind, that here in the south, so rich in talent there is an eclectic horde of genres. We have rap artists, country musicians, and swarms of good ol' boys blaring their swamp music. So I might be sitting behind Peyton's mom at one of those 30 minute red lights I hate so much trapped by "Project Pat" or "Al Kapone" flowing from one side while "Billy Ray Cyrus" or the extended version of "Free Bird" pistol-whips me from the other. If that wasn't enough to do it, I can rest assured that the Tejano or Banda music will catch up from behind me. ;)

Do these people feel that it is their public duty to drown away my sorrows with their own beats? Do I not have my own stereo? Or maybe they're just self-absorbed terrorists who make it their business to ensure that my stop-light stay is as booming with bass and out of tune as possible... Oh my achy breaky audio!

#5. Oh Holy Lights - Another holiday favorite... these people can barely manage to get the turkey grease off their fingers before stringing up scads of blinding holiday mish-mash all over their humble abodes. (I'm sure that they're all energy-saving lights and such). They have Santa and his reindeer on the roof, snowmen in the yard (a yard that might see a half an inch of snowfall the entire season). Lights up and down the driveway, down to the mailboxes and then some.

Don't get me wrong, I think the decorations are beautiful (kinda like gingerbread houses) and it's a lot of fun to ride around and view everyone's magnificent display. It's just that I wish I didn't have to look at it for two solid months from Thanksgiving until near Valentine's day. Just trim down the time-frame on those head dancing sugar plums!

#4. Angels We Have Heard On High - We can't mention a holiday season without discussing these little sweethearts. The nasty-wasty, evil little unruly spawn of the Bubbas, Drag Kings and Queens and Music Blasters listed above. Also, might be the youngest of Peyton's Mom's growing little 'soccer team'.

While I was raised with good manners, ample etiquette and proper discipline, the little creatures that these people seem to be dragging to the stores and the restaurants haven't seen one bit. Now, I'm not saying I'm a hard-core old fashioned disciplinarian myself, but I still see fit in controlling your child and having them act like a human being when out in public.

Most parents, however find the first thing that they think entertains little Landon or Chasity and just toss it their way. They find later, much to their dismay that the kid's attention span is not quite as long as the red light at which they were mere moments ago torturing me, and have to find something else to entertain their offspring. What do they do then? Take them to the nearest bar and grille, the exact one that I happen to be dining at that very night. Then the waitress, after being asked specifically to seat me in the least noisy section of the cafe, plops little "Mariah" right down in the booth behind me so I can be privy to her obviously healthy lungs and extreme octaves.

Yeah, this child is gonna be Kanye's favorite singer of the year in the very near future, I can just sense it.

#3. Leatherface - Ahhh is that Miss November I spy coming out of the Video Store/Tanning Bed?? Ohh no, my mistake... it's Leatherface. When I say this, yes I am referring to a southern girl or woman, who is obsessed with keeping a sinewy summer tan all-year-round. The age range varies, from high school prom queen to sexy senior citizens (or a high school prom queen who merely looks like a senior citizen). These ladies have made tanning an art form. Even with all the newest technology, tanning lotions, spray salons and deadly cancer abound, they continue to cultivate their skin into a finely tanned hide suitable for Ed Gein's next living room suit.

This one just graduated 6th grade!

Just 15 more minutes and she's
gonna be ready for some cranberries and stuffing.

Um... like, OMG Srsly!?! WTF

What gives?? Do they actually think they look good that burned up? A nice, even light to medium tan looks much nicer than appearing as if you're trying to surpass the race barrier. It's also terrible for aging. Most of these people are also chain smokers, and avid drinkers as well. So don't come crying to me a couple of years down the road when "tan and blond" isn't quite cutting it for you anymore. "Geezuz! I must've taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque!"

#2. Feliz Navidon't - This one is rather self-explanatory, basically it follows the same rules as the house decorations mentioned above, and it comes with one desperate plea, "Please for the love of Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus in the manger remove the following songs from your Christmas Rotation: "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer", "Do They Know It's Christmas (Band Aid)", "Wonderful Christmastime by McCartney", and of course "Feliz Navidad". Although there are more, these are on the top of my list. I may have to dedicate an entire post to bad Christmas songs. Anyone else care to share a bit of merriment that chaps their already overly-tanned hide?

#1. Bless Me Father For I Have Senate - Of course, not to be outdone, our State's government takes home first prize for their delectable 'gang-rape cake' smothered in sweet and sugary frosting (just a cover-up i'm sure for the real delights).

Yeah, our big strong heroes, the ones who are supposed to serve and stand behind their citizens voted two big "Nay's" on The Franken Amdt. No. 2588, you know the one (supposed to protect the rape victims?) Yeah, an amendment to the Defense Appropriations bill that would punish contractors if they "restrict their employees from taking workplace sexual assault, battery and discrimination cases to court."

Holy mother of goat and all her crazy uncles! I should've known that a state that could allow its children to be solely awarded to their crackhead, husband's cousin-marrying, prostitute low-life mothers instead while the obviously responsible fathers who work legitimate jobs and try desperately to provide and protect the family can barely get awarded visitation, would think somehow that Gang Rape should be the victor in a battle of human rights.

Well, long live Bubba... I'm sure he will as long as he and his rape-loving senator father don't empty out all their ammo killing local wildlife and beloved family pets.

This, I gift to you today, my act of kindness to try and make you laugh while also offering my hand at sarcasm for the state of the world and my immediate surroundings. If you enjoyed this even in the least, then my job today is done my friends.

If not, take heart... the weekend is nigh.


Donna said...

Sounds like you could use my newest bumper sticker. (Which I don't actually stick on my truck!)

"My pit bull is smarter than your honor student"



Aunt Jackie said...

HAHAHA Donna, You're right and you rule!! :)

Gregorio Martino said...

I loved this post. I could have written that. I get blown off the road every morning by bubba and bubbet in their big wheeled trucks and I do think I know that nicely tanned woman. Actually I think it is her grandmother and although she is still proud of her tanned body at age 65 and proud enough to ride her bicycle around in her little two piece I have to...Hold on I think I just threw up in my mouth again thinking about her. Where was I? Ok I have nothing good to say about this woman. Great post and I can say that because all my neighbors fit these descriptions.

Margo said...

aunt jackie, there is so much to love here, I have no clue where to start. As a south carolina resident, born Virginian, I salute you. There is enough in each one of these for a years worth of writin', and for the sake of your readers you should explore each in depth. My ex-cleaning lady was a leatherface and I'm surrounded by Peyton's moms and high angels!

Furtheron said...

I saw one of those cars with the nose and antlers the other day whilst in the USA... given I was just talking about hunting with a friend at the time I smiled and thought to myself - how many of them get shot a year?

Four Dinners said...

I am gasping for breath here....

That was sheer genius!!!!

You must expand on each individual one!!!!!!

(Personally I'd just shoot the kid)

Aunt Jackie said...

Gregorio: So you know exactly where I am coming from then. :)

Margo: Great idea, as agrees "Dinners". I'll try to do closer details on some of these topics soon.

Thank you!

Furtheron: We can only hope eh?? lol

Dinners: Thanks and glad you enjoyed. Yes, as I said above I'll do a bit more detail expose on select subjects. Maybe the idiots will give me more examples to help the story along too.

Every day is a winding road ;)

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