Sunday, August 30, 2009

Where Is My Mind

I woke up feeling so groggy this morning. A day after if you will. I'm so tired. I Feel Like Singing...

With your feet in the air
and your head on the ground

Try this trick and spin it,
Your head will collapse
But there's nothing in it

And you'll ask yourself

Where is my mind?

Way out in the water

See it swimmin

I was swimmin in the carribean
Animals were hiding behind the rock

Except the little fish

But they told me,
he swears

Tryin to talk to me
koi koy

Where is my mind?

You see, yesterday was my Dad's birthday. He would have been 82 years old. It was the first time in my entire life that we did not go home and celebrate Daddy's birthday.

Daddy loved his birthdays and his Fathers Days... and every day that he got to spend "looting up" on gifts and enjoying time with the love of his life (Mom) and his children. We always looked forward to the same with them.

My cousin Gary also shares a birthday with my Father... August 29th. There have been get-togethers in the past where they celebrated together. One of those was only a few years ago.

Ahhh celebrations past.

Yesterday, Gary's daughters had planned a big "50th" birthday party for them. We were invited, so I drove my aunt and my mother there, Mr. J joined us. I took my camera and did my best to keep my smile charged up while capturing the lovely moments and memories for a family who still has both their parents... who has yet to meet the fork in the road where you have to bid your closest travel mates goodbye.

Mom did the best she could too, but I could tell how much she was hurting on the inside... wishing she was still home making the day special for our Dad... we were hurting on the inside too, my sister and I... It never goes away... it just gets more distant.

Birthdays mean nothing anymore to those who have passed on, they are celebrating for other more beautiful reasons now than being born into a world like this one. They are whole again and although they celebrate now, it is not in the same traditions as we still carry on in their name. They remember when reminded by our grief. It's not something I want to continue, but this human state that I am in makes the conditions more favorable for grief, loneliness, pain and to a degree some materialism.

I've said it before, I'm a work in progress... we all are.

So, even though he probably wished he could 'get it through our thick skulls' that he was indeed having a great birthday and he really was there to celebrate with us, and right there in our hearts, we went on surrounded by the fog and honored the date, in our own ways.

Therefore, I will just say a quick and quiet "Happy Birthday Daddy"... you know we love you and miss you every second and will see you one of these days. We're comforted by the many, many birthdays and special occasions though in the meantime in which you made our lives so magical and special.

Yes, with my feet in the air
and head on the ground
I asked myself again
Where is my mind?


furiousBall said...

very timely post amiga, my son and i just had a hug and long cry for my father this morning. we miss my dad and his papa very, very, very, very much.

Bizarro Aunt Jackie said...

It never seems to get easier does it Van? I am sorry for you guys too, feeling that way. I don't understand most of the pain we go through here, but I know it's all necessary.

Luckily, we can share memories and honor feelings and get things off our chest, it's a good thing, never bad.

Chelly said...

What a beautiful and heartbreaking post. I'm sending you a great big hug right now. I'm keeping you in my prayers Jax.


Aunt Jackie said...

Thanks Chells!

Much appreciated.

BBC said...

Hum, I thought I had left a comment here. Anytime you want to visit with your dad you can, you just have to pull him into your mind and he will be there.

It's just a body that dies, not the spirit. Not that I ever had any reason to 'talk' to my dad after he died at 44, us kids were just the result of the fact that him and mother liked to screw each other, and there was that catholic thing.

Piss poor parents they were.

Furtheron said...

tricky for your Mum. My Dad died in 1984... October the 13th - you always remember don't you?

She passed on in 2006 - do you know what she asked my sister the day or so before the coma took over... "Do you think your Dad will still remember me?"

22 years the pain never fully left her - although she had a good life for the most of it.

Go well friend

Sara said...

Sharing memories and happy feelings is always good! Mucho love to you AJ

BBC said...

I guess I'll delete the link to Jinks blogs, she hasn't posted anything for a long time.

Barnze said...

My dads birthday went by in August,He often pops into my mind at the oddest times,weird how some things bring on memories of those who have passed on. I miss him and my mam all the time but they bring a smile to me even though they aint here.

Anonymous said...

I think you always remember. The loss will always be there, but I hope your pain will ease with time and sweet memories. Perhaps there is a way you would like to celebrate his birthday next year? You & your mom could brainstorm ideas and do something that would make your dad smile. The holidays are coming and I know it will be HARD. Are there any traditions you can continue (or even begin) in your dad's honor that would help to ease the pain and make you smile? I sure hope so. If it is something you can do with your mom, that is even better. Planning now will make it easier to put it into action later.