Sunday, August 23, 2009

Lather Rinse Repeat

“I have noticed even people who claim everything is predestined, and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road.” ~Stephen Hawking

It's Sunday night... I wish I had the time to throw down a really long blog entry, not that anyone would really read it. I really don't have the time anyways since it is kinda late and I have to watch True Blood before konking out for the night... so there.

Amidst the muck of all things human and putrid, where the rude asshole reign and the stupid people continue to be allowed to breed, there are glimmers of hope that allow me deep sighs of tranquility.

Just like today, for instance, I got a decently early start, rode my bike down to Mom's in a great temperature... it stayed in the 80s pretty much. It felt so good outside. Once again, the "Bob Ross Paintings" zipped by, one after one... (Bob Ross Paintings, that's what I have come to affectionately call the scenery that I pass when I elect to be blissful and take the long route). The long way home never disappoints me.

Enjoyed my visit with Mom of course, had coffee, had a snack, took some lovely photos around town and then headed home in even cooler temps. I stopped by the store to pick up lemons and a few things. Then took the scenic way from there on to home... the smell of grass, kudzu, honeysuckle and smoke in the air from people burning various things, and maybe cooking out had my mind reeling... I swear I almost felt 15 again just from the nostalgia.

The scent of motors, oil and smoke as well, always remind me of Daddy.

I miss my Dad terribly, he is not here anymore to comfort me after long weeks of hard work and stress, here in spirit, but still, understanding that is a process for everyone.

My Mother is so depressed and so lonely with the exception of spending a few nights switching up nights staying with her only remaining sister (well speaking sister), and her small group of scattered visitors, that it kills my soul sometimes because I feel her sadness on such a deep level. I miss her too. I miss everything about my home growing up, but I know that those phases are gone and we all have to learn to move forward, even if baby step by step.

As much as it feels strange, and as much as it hurts to be in a home that was once filled with cheer and good vibes, I cannot stay away and leave Mom totally alone. I really wish I could set things up where she could move in with me, or for us to move close to her, but it's not "doable" right now, and she wouldn't agree anyway. Even that would probably be a small consolation for years of love and partnership now gone.

I just get very frustrated because all I want to do is "FIX" things and make them better, and in a situation like that, I know that I can't. It's not my place to take away her pain or grief... but as a loving daughter I do what I can to try to at least be there for her... She needs all the company she can get. When I can't be there, I try to call her and at least tell her I love her because she needs that too... I can't imagine the pain exactly because I haven't been through the loss of someone I loved and cared for over 40something years (yet). My day might come one day, if I am lucky enough to have such a gift as they did (so far I think I do). Until then, I just learn how it feels to lose a wonderful parent, which is hard enough on any given day...

No two people have the same exact pain, but does it hurt any less? It's a very personal thing, and we should all treat each other with kindness... you really never know the battle of each soul you encounter in this violent universe... Just sayin.

It is so easy for all of us to stay wrapped up in our own little bubble and not care about anything else. It's easy to pretend that our own little reality is all that there is. This is not the case... there is so much more out there than we know. Our minds are so small, and most of us are so afraid to open them up.

We're missing out on a lot of amazing things just by refusing to "see", believe that.

Sometimes all it takes it one little miracle to open our eyes.


kcinnova said...

Jackie, this is beautifully and soulfully written.
I'm so glad you had a good day today (Bob Ross paintings, that made me smile). I was pretty sure that a ride on your motorcycle would make you happy.
The loss of your daddy is such a huge one... for you, for your mom... and there are no easy answers.


Anonymous said...

This was an especially moving post Jackie. love Faith

BBC said...

Hon, this fucking post was too long for me to read all of it. :-)

And I fear that stupid people will keep on breeding here for a while yet. But nature will take care of that in the by and by.

Of course, it won't be pretty.