Wednesday, December 20, 2006

People in Hell Want Ice Water

Have you ever wanted something, really really bad and you begged with all of your might only to hear the phrase "People in Hell Want Ice Water?" (or any close derivative, similar phrase etc)...
I didn't hear it so much, but Mr. J [who has respectfully requested that his name be changed from "Mr. J" to "Mr. X" because he says it sounds so much cooler]... so o.k. Mr. X--He had a bit more of what you'd call a rough upbringing than I did. I often lived in a childhood storybook, while Mr. X was sometimes in more of what you might compare to maybe say... "Pulp Fiction" or some similar movie. That's o.k., all's well that ends well you might agree.

Oftentimes, when Mr. X would beg for something even as simple as cheese on his McDonald's hamburger he says his mother would stoutly reply "People in Hell Want Ice Water." He in fact states that he heard this numerous times throughout his life.

"Mom, I want some candy."---> "People in Hell Want Ice Water!"
"Mom, I want a quarter for the gum machine." ---> "People in Hell Want Ice Water!!"
"Mom, I want to go to the hospital, cuz I just busted my skull open." ---> "People in Hell Want Ice Water!!!"

He says sometimes he wasn't even lucky enough to get McDonald's at all... and when he would beg to go for a Big Mac, his mother would go into the kitchen and concoct something that she meant to closely mirror if not take the place of a Big Mac altogether: 'The McHomeBurger". Mr. X says that it is very much like the description Eddie Murphy gave in a stand up act once, about the burgers that his mother would make for him. It begins with 2 pieces of weak, plain white "Wonderbread", with a heaped up 'ball' of hamburger meat, which got even smaller when it was cooked, but remained heaped up all the same. Then if it wasn't unbalanced enough, she would decorate it with big chunks of onion, cheese and then "Thousand Island" dressing to imulate the "Special Sauce" McDonald's boasted so highly of... As you can imagine, it turned into a bloody-looking, heap of meat which soaked the bread making it nearly impossible to eat, and even more impossible to pretend was a 'Big Mac'. Still has nightmares I think, some nights I hear him whimpering in his sleep, still mumbling about the cheese and frying pans and 'the bad man'... oh well, let's not get into all that-save it for another story.

Tells me some funny stories Mr. J--Oh, I mean, Mr. X... and as I reflected on them, I found this clip of the movie "Bad Santa", which I thought was befitting of such memories... This is one of my favorite movies, as Billy Bob Thornton is about as Vile as Santa can get.

Here's hoping that you get everything you want this Christmas, and that maybe people in hell get a little ice water... Isn't that what Christmas is all about?? Magic, miracles, giving and receiving and all that?? Here you go... Enjoy.


Steven Novak said...

When I wanted something as a kid that I didn't get, and would be visibilly upset about it, my mother would tell me to "save my issues for my tissues."

She was a sweet lady. ;)


Nana said...

Jackie don't you think that Bad Santa should be the movie that is played over and over on Christmas day instead of Christmas Story???? That would be awesome..then I would make all the grandkids watch it..... (o; Love Ya Little Sister

Nana said...

Oh yeah..tell Mr X that I want to shave an X on the back of his head. Then he will not only be cool but he will look COOL too.

chelly said...

Poor Mr. X! Hope he gets lots of Big Macs and Quarter Pounders with Cheese in his stocking!

Aunt Jackie said...

Steve@ So is Mr. X's mom ;)

Hehe... actually, these days we try to stay away from McDonalds altogether... but Mr. X is well fed. I take care of him :)

And Nana, I'll tell him so :)