Friday, December 08, 2006

O' Christmas Family Tree

I'm still sitting here brainwashing myself (or trying to) with the 'soothing sounds of Christmas'. I know what you're thinking, "Jackie, it shouldn't be that hard to get in the spirit." Ok, well maybe it shouldn't be. It is somehow.

As hard as I try to continue with my childlike spirit and immaturity, I struggle in matters of Childish heart... If I listen to the music, all it does is remind me of my Mother and make me wish I was still at home, lying on the floor in the Livingroom under the brilliance of the Christmas tree lights, listening to Mom's Christmas albums on her old stereo, she had em all and they stayed on rotation, playing... as I said, she always has music playing. I could lie for hours staring at the lights, listening to the music (Rockin Around The Christmas Tree, O' Christmas Tree, Silent Night, Little Drummer Boy, Silver Bells... etc).

The temperatures this week have been pretty cold too, so that is helping some. As I said yesterday, snow would REALLY make me feel happy I think, but the cold is good... Still why isn't it all enough? I can't get my shopping done, I can't get in the mood 100% (or even close). I only get sad thinking about how Christmas used to feel, how it was always so happy, waiting for everyone to come home to Mom and Dad's and laugh, feast, exchange gifts (even if they were simple ones). I would usually end up playing the piano while my neice, Ginger and I would sing songs and my sister Jeanne would join in. Smile on everyone's face it seemed.

Now, I feel bad because I think my parents are missing everyone being around as much. My Mom especially, has lost a few people in the last couple of years, her mother (my Grandmother) passed nearly 3 years ago and there were some related bad family blood that came with it; Then, my Aunt (her sister) passed on due to cancer, about a year and a half it's been. A couple of my cousins were lost as well to cancer. Then her neighbor that she used to quilt with, Miss McDaniel, was placed in a convalescent center by her son, and then her other neighbor down the road passed away this last year. Well, all that combined with the strain of worrying with my father in his diabetic condition and related episodes he has had, even though he's doing better. Guess it's all taken it's toll. I feel like she is depressed more, and really isn't feeling much of the spirit herself. I've always counted on her to stay uplifted-she was always able to. Now she really needs us to help her stay afloat I think... Just seems like she (they) are more lonely, and the family is floating further and further away, into their own little universe of sorts. Nothing is the same... nothing will be the same again. I know-Change is imminent, I guess, it is the only thing we can truly count on... right? But still, it doesn't make it hurt any less. And it doesn't make this damn Christmas music any less painful. Why the hell am I listening to it again?

I want to go home and help Mom and Dad make fudge and decorate the tree and force her to put on her christmas albums... Adulthood sucks. Why don't parents tell this to their kids? All they say is "You have your whole life ahead of you, the best is yet to come!!" --who determined that?!?-- In reality, we just hurdle towards death in bodies on the decline graced with pain and impending old age... It's very scary.

I want my Mommy. :(

[I give you O Tannenbaum, to a video from Charlie Brown's Christmas. Be Merry for me]


Steven Novak said...

"In reality, we just hurdle towards death in bodies on the decline graced with pain and impending old age... It's very scary."

I try not to think about it, and watch more Peanuts.


Aunt Jackie said...

I try too... I watch cartoons and play video games, I'm just a big kid. Watching more Peanuts is good advice any way you slice it :) Thanks Steve.


Nana said...

Wow I am depressed now....The holiday comes and goes.... whether we enjoy it or not...guess that is up to us. I love you sister dear. Vickie

Chelly said...

"Watch more Peanuts" is my motto too.

Sending hugs your way Jackie gal. :)

(And an email too!)

Gardenia said...

thanks for stopping by my art blog - yes, I've done all of them - digital art, painting, ceramic/pottery - etc. I wish I could give you your mommy. It sounds like you have had a lot of trauma in the family - life stuff, but none the less, its trauma & loss and it hurts. It hurts sometimes because things don't stay the same. And we want Christmas to be magical, an oasis in all the nutty world of stuff we're dealing with, but sometimes it brings memories of painful times....yet we go on....I hope you get some "merry" time.

BTW, this is Diana, aka, Dollface, aka Gardenia. I studied my counter into today and the stalker is checking my blog sometimes 4 to 6 times a day - I don't know quite what to do - I can't switch ID's every day.

her indoors said...

i want my mummy too i miss her so very much our family has just drifted apart since she is no longer with us :-(
well i will enjoy christmas i going visiting me mate in ireland an we will celebrate it i will raise a glass of wine to you on christmas day x

Aunt Jackie said...

Sorry if it was some depressing--I go through these things sometimes... very emotional, guess I wouldn't be an artist if I wasn't. You're all sooo sweet Thanks Indoors! I'll send Christmas wishes to all my blog friends across the globe too.
Good to see you Gardenia!! Hope you're doing well, hope your situation is not serious.