I'm still sitting here brainwashing myself (or trying to) with the 'soothing sounds of Christmas'. I know what you're thinking, "Jackie, it shouldn't be that hard to get in the spirit." Ok, well maybe it shouldn't be. It is somehow.
As hard as I try to continue with my childlike spirit and immaturity, I struggle in matters of Childish heart... If I listen to the music, all it does is remind me of my Mother and make me wish I was still at home, lying on the floor in the Livingroom under the brilliance of the Christmas tree lights, listening to Mom's Christmas albums on her old stereo, she had em all and they stayed on rotation, playing... as I said, she always has music playing. I could lie for hours staring at the lights, listening to the music (Rockin Around The Christmas Tree, O' Christmas Tree, Silent Night, Little Drummer Boy, Silver Bells... etc).
The temperatures this week have been pretty cold too, so that is helping some. As I said yesterday, snow would REALLY make me feel happy I think, but the cold is good... Still why isn't it all enough? I can't get my shopping done, I can't get in the mood 100% (or even close). I only get sad thinking about how Christmas used to feel, how it was always so happy, waiting for everyone to come home to Mom and Dad's and laugh, feast, exchange gifts (even if they were simple ones). I would usually end up playing the piano while my neice, Ginger and I would sing songs and my sister Jeanne would join in. Smile on everyone's face it seemed.
Now, I feel bad because I think my parents are missing everyone being around as much. My Mom especially, has lost a few people in the last couple of years, her mother (my Grandmother) passed nearly 3 years ago and there were some related bad family blood that came with it; Then, my Aunt (her sister) passed on due to cancer, about a year and a half it's been. A couple of my cousins were lost as well to cancer. Then her neighbor that she used to quilt with, Miss McDaniel, was placed in a convalescent center by her son, and then her other neighbor down the road passed away this last year. Well, all that combined with the strain of worrying with my father in his diabetic condition and related episodes he has had, even though he's doing better. Guess it's all taken it's toll. I feel like she is depressed more, and really isn't feeling much of the spirit herself. I've always counted on her to stay uplifted-she was always able to. Now she really needs us to help her stay afloat I think... Just seems like she (they) are more lonely, and the family is floating further and further away, into their own little universe of sorts. Nothing is the same... nothing will be the same again. I know-Change is imminent, I guess, it is the only thing we can truly count on... right? But still, it doesn't make it hurt any less. And it doesn't make this damn Christmas music any less painful. Why the hell am I listening to it again?
I want to go home and help Mom and Dad make fudge and decorate the tree and force her to put on her christmas albums... Adulthood sucks. Why don't parents tell this to their kids? All they say is "You have your whole life ahead of you, the best is yet to come!!" --who determined that?!?-- In reality, we just hurdle towards death in bodies on the decline graced with pain and impending old age... It's very scary.
I want my Mommy. :(
[I give you O Tannenbaum, to a video from Charlie Brown's Christmas. Be Merry for me]