Thursday, July 09, 2009

Turn On The Heart Light

My heart has felt very heavy lately. I've felt overwhelmed by a lot of things. While I advise others to let stress roll off their backs and say:

"Don't worry over things you have no control over" it seems so hard for me to take my own medicine. Why??

I know it does no good to stew over anything... I'm trying hard not to.

Just lately it's been financial crap, seemingly one issue after the other. I can't help but get a little tightened up over it because I have to pay the bills and we have to be able to get to and from work and groceries etc... I know that I am fortunate though so far that we are making it... albeit paycheck-to-paycheck, but still afloat. Many people have things worse than that lately, so I truly hope that things get better for everybody... not just me.

People need to wake up and realize that we need to all help one another and when given an opportunity to make some sort of a difference we should take it. If everyone did one thing a day to help another soul, then it would be a vast improvement.

It would only take a moment out of the 24 hour day and then they could get back to their rudeness and apathy...

My road rage has been at an all-time high lately. Now when I say road rage, I don't mean that I'm going to be the person you see pulling out an oozy on the side of the road and trying to massacre the whole of I-40. That's not me... but I do cuss and scream like a sailor from point A to point B... I can't help it. There are too many frikkin idiots out there.

Why do they all think they are so special and privileged? Why are they the only ones that matter? Between this and the Restaurant Sauce Nazis I think I'm going to have to stage a revolt.

The other thing that keeps a constant heaviness in my heart is still the huge hole left by this year's death of my Father (January 14th). I know in my soul that he is like 110% better, and happy, and healed of all of his Earthly pains and agony. I also feel that our grief is the only thing that bothers him now... but that's bad enough. I know he wants us to stop grieving, but it's so very hard. We miss him terribly. My Mom is just miserable without him, even though she still says she feels his presence and spirit in the house.

I think the biggest part of what pulls my heart down so badly is my Mom. I love her so much, and I want to spend time with her just like I always wanted to spend as much time too while Daddy was still alive. Life is so short and time is so fleeting. We cannot waste time. Doing what we feel in our hearts that we want and need to do is of the utmost importance. We only have a certain amount of time here in this Earthly existence, and although I am not quite sure what the "Punchline" is yet, I know that we are here to accomplish certain things. We're provided with instincts, "inner voices" that try to help us along the way. We're given the sense to pay attention to the signs and messages so desperately trying to reach us. It's up to us to make it right... We can't wait for someone else to come along and make changes for us or make our lives complete... WE are who are looking for... it's up to us.

So I try my best to spend time with Mom while futilely trying to maintain a normal life. Besides, what is a normal life now anyway? Everything has changed in dark ways since Dad's passing. My childhood home, once a place of peace and restoration for me has become an empty, melancholy shell of its former self. The spirit of the house is sad now, the multitudes of laughter we have all shared for so many years in our growing up is a distant echo.

Mom is there, for the first time in her life completely alone... and lonelier than I have ever seen her. It's way worse than just "empty nest" syndrome I feel. She finds ways to make it through the days and nights, but I wonder just how well she makes it. She seems even more frail and skinny, even though she swears she eats plenty.

I feel very guilty for just having my husband to go home to because I know that at the end of the day she is in complete silence and sadness with nobody at all and nothing but her thoughts. As hard as it is for me knowing that I can't go and just see my father, or pick up the phone now and say "Hey Dad, what are you up to??" I know that it runs so much deeper for her.

What am I supposed to do? Every fiber of my being longs to take care and heal people of their pain and sadness, and with her I am completely helpless. I don't think things are ever going to be any better there at home. Gloom has moved in to stay.


kcinnova said...

Survivor guilt sucks. Your mom doesn't begrudge you having a husband at home; I'm sure of this.
I have no answers for your pain -- only {{HUGS}} and prayers for you and your family.

Furtheron said...

second post I've read today that is about grief... that's odd isn't it?

Your problem is that you can't fix it for your Mum can you - sadly. I remember hearing my Mum crying herself to sleep night after night after my Dad died. I was the last kid left at home and I was just buying my first house and planning a wedding for a few months ahead and I felt so guilty that I was moving out but that was the plan and what I needed and wanted.

Tricky. It's hard.

barnze said...

Keep ya chin up, Things will work out for the better..they always do i reckon.

Take care and keep smiling!