Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Over Nothing

Am I still caught up in some whirlwind? It seems like my energy just waxes and wanes. I know it's been a few weeks now, and my family has good days and bad days, but we are still all in quite a bit of grief and emptiness without my father. Things are just very hard.

My mother, of course, has it the worst because she was there with him day in and day out for 48 years, my other sisters had him longer than I did, but still there is a huge empty well that used to be filled with his laughter, spirit and love.

Lately, it seems that I can't do anything without thinking about Daddy. Washing my motorcycle, I was reminded of how often we would wash cars together or when he would do his part to try and teach me about automotive things. I can't ride my bike either without remembering him teaching me how to drive everything, since I was just 2 years old, teaching me to shift and always allowing me something to drive. Certain television programs only echo his laughter. The house is blue and lonely without him.

When I am there, spending time with Mom, it's so hard because I feel like I can't make anything better and I can't really do or say the right thing. Then she's been sick with a cold and I worry about her getting worse in that way, even though I know I can only do what I am able to help and support her. I can't grieve for her, I can only be there.

Sometimes it's all too tough to take, so if I slide out of reality and try to enjoy things that are childish or lighthearted, I will not apologize for that. We're all different, and have different ways of handling things, as well we all have different feelings and beliefs about the world and the universe. I respect yours, and hope only for mutual respect as well.

Today is also the Weekly Words Challenge (WWC) (hosted by Tink of course). The keywords are "9" and "Desire". Honestly, I have not felt like taking any photos in the last few days, so I am going to skip this week... sorry guys. But check Tink's Blog, and feel free to enjoy everyone else's submissions.

Maybe I will be back later with updates or other thoughts, we'll see how the day goes.


Nothingman said...

Stay strong AJ and have faith.
take care...

Aunt Jackie said...

Thanks Nothingman, friends like you make it easier!

Reb said...

AJ, your grief will take it's own course, as will your mom's. No one can say that you have three weeks of anger and two days of whatever the next step is. It cannot be rushed and all of us understand that.

Take care and we will all keep you in our thoughts.

furiousBall said...

i like what Reb said... that's very important - have patience with yourself

Jay said...

It's just a long, difficult process to get through it all. Don't worry about rushing it. Just let it all happen naturally.

Furtheron said...

Your grief is your grief, don't apologise for it, try to avoid it or try to rush it. As a very dear friend said to me when my Mum passed away and I was concerned I was "taking too long grieving"... they said... "Time takes time my dear".

In time the grief will move to memories, sometimes tinged with the missing part but more so they'll become the remembering with a smile.

Hey my Dad passed away in October 1984 and only this week I had a post on my blog about him and how utterly brilliant he was.

{{{hugs}}} to you and yours - esp your Mum, losing someone after those years must be like having your insides ripped out. I've seen it most recently with my mother-in-law, she is still largely lost without her man about some years on

The Preacherman said...

But you have such wonderful memories. That's the mark of the man you've lost. Remember him with a smile. I've a feeling he'd like that xx