Sunday, May 13, 2007

Carpe Diem!! (Memento Mori)

Well, Happy Mother's Day to all of my "Mothers" out there and even those that play the part of a mother, whatever the circumstances are. Know that you are appreciated and remember that life would not exist without you. That's alot of pressure, but you're doing just fine! Go and Seize the Day!! It's yours... just don't do anything that I WOULD do, and you'll probably make it through unscathed... lol

I'm getting prepared to go down to my very own Mother's house today to celebrate her.

But it's getting harder and harder to do that. The woman who has always been uplifting and angelic to me has been increasingly bitter and sad. I'm having the worst time dealing with it--She apologizes sometimes for sounding so bad and then reinforces that 'She has been lucky, and she doesn't mean to complain'. I know it's taking its toll taking care of my Father, in his declining condition and all, he has his good days and his bad. She has to take care of virtually everything, and doesn't seem to be able to find any happiness anymore. She has scrambled in the last few weeks and months to try and get affairs "settled" because she's so afraid that our family is going to turn into a pack of dogs and fight over things and fall apart. (I can understand that she might feel this way, familys do tend to turn apathetic and greedy in times like those--I sincerely hope that my family does not).

I feel like in the end, she's feeling like she's been dealt a raw deal and that none of her dreams have been allowed to come true. Just last night she was talking about 'dissappearing' one day and living the rest of her days out at some "Girl Scout Camp", never to be found and living out the rest of her days doing what she always dreamed of.

But you know, it's the simple fact that of what I have said all along... Life is just really hard. They don't tell you when you're young how badly it is going to suck at times, or how hard it can truly hit you. They allow you to grow up happy and in your little fairytale (with some exceptions, and i'm sure you or they know who they are).

I think the kids growing up hard might have a better advantage though. In my case, I grew up thinking the world was full of magic and that everything was going to be so fantastic, only to be rudely awakened by the realities of most things... I think I would have much rather been warned... "Hey Jackie-Have your fun and enjoy this magic now, because in a few years that's it! Adulthood, responsibilities, dissappointments, death and of course taxes, that's your future... Grab all you can!!!"

Oh sure, I know... "Suck it up--quit being a baby!" That's fine... I know--It's just something we all have to deal with... it's true. I also know we create our own existence and we're responsible for our own lives and circumstances... Believe me, I preach that daily to my friends and loved ones in the constant role I play of keeping others pepped up and trying to make them happy... But it's easier said than done sometimes.

This is an official 'venting' I guess... reflecting as I am on this Mother's Day... wondering how I am supposed to go and slap on my 'smiley face' and pretend that it is a happy occasion (like our family occasions used to be), and try to be uplifting and pretend that everyone is happy to see one another and imagine that I am surrounded by love and happiness.

So everyone, as you go to celebrate yourself remember the above phrase and make the most of each day.

"Carpe Diem... Memento Mori." ~[Seize the day... Remember you are mortal.]


ZigZagMan said...

and bewbies.......Hi siempre bewbies...Good post friend! :)

Chelly said...

I know what it's like Jax but all we can really do is be there for our parents and try our best. Life really doesn't make things easy. But you've got a nice way of making things lovely, so I'm sure your mama will have a good day with you.

Another lovely read girl!

Chells :)

Tisha! said...

yep having a tough childhood helps cause you say to yourself "fuck it can't get any worse".

sweet Jackie what I see in you is a lovely woman, inside and out, who's on a fertile journey of personal growth and from there comes your immense love for others and I am privileged to feel it ;)

captain corky said...

Right after my Grandfather died I literally watched my Grandmother give up and disintegrate. Taking care of him to the end was all she had left. It was very sad to watch.

Ordinary Janet said...

Hope you made it through the day okay. I feel sorry for your mom, can you take her out to lunch or shopping, or isn't there anyone to be with your dad? Sometimes getting a little break can make all the difference.

Alicia said...

Hang in there.
my grandmother was the same way after my grandfather had a stroke.
She has to take her frusterations out on somebody... it just sucks that it's you.

JINKS said...

Good post my friend.
Its hard enough accepting that life changes and its hard to watch what life does to our folks. Having lost both of mine already, I can only offer this. Go easy on yourself, remember they had the same issues with their parents so they "get it" that its hurtful, and difficult to see them older. Be thankful, extremely thankful that no matter how much you change, or they have had a "good relationship" with them. You have many many happy memories and if you are given even the slightest chance to make so.

Anonymous said...

I remember the saying life's a bitch and then you die, never a more true word spoken. I remember when my mum became ill we watched go from a loving caring woman that did everything for us, to ending up in a wheelchair and us doing everything for her, it's heartbreaking. If every you need me just drop on bye.