Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Butterflies and Zebras and Moonbeams - Part IV

Latest Chapter... please enjoy.

Got some catching up to do? Then you can check Parts I - III here:
Butterflies and Zebras and Moonbeams - Part I
Butterflies and Zebras and Moonbeams - Part II
Butterflies and Zebras and Moonbeams - Part III

After the night at the lake, things were a little stranger... not in a bad way, but there were more understood feelings there, even if we didn't talk about them, we knew what had been said and how the other felt. Looking back, I guess I had aspirations of the thing lasting indefinitely.

Even Z had said, "Who knows, this might last a few months, it could last ten years." But I romanticized it, and I wanted it to go on, and on and on. We continued to see each other whenever we could work it out, and we even planned a Friday off together here and there. One in particular stands out in my memory.

"This Friday," Z said, "Let's spend the whole day together."

This was completely agreeable to me, as I took any opportunity to spend time alone with him that I could. Friday arrived, and we had agreed on a place to meet. I made myself irresistable and set out to my destination, to see this man who I had grown so attached to... The one I had come to feel was my soulmate.

Did he view the situation the same way I did? I might never know. I thought he did, he had said and done so many things that were contradictory of a man merely behaving 'dog-like'... but he was a man indeed, and I was not seeing things as objectively as I should. I couldn't... I was too snow blinded by the stars in my eyes and the heat in my heart, and I couldn't see that far ahead.

We met at a familiar place in Hernando, he left his car in the parking lot. He had brothers that lived near and could easily say that he was with one of them if he needed to. We had talked of going to the Casino area. He'd wanted to just 'hang out' and enjoy time together, maybe gamble if we felt like going into one of the casinos... But our ultimate plan was to get a hotel room at one of the casinos, as it was such a busy place-we thought it might be perfect for a 'hide-out getaway'. We took our time, driving back roads to get there. I always knew all of the back roads... still do.

We arrived at one of the casinos and we parked. We sat in the car for a long time contemplating...

"Let's go... let's get the room, I'm ready to do this." He said, still sounding uncertain.

"Ok, let's do it... ready? Let's go in." I replied, pretty sure of myself.

"Wait, I don't know if I can... Let's just sit here a little while longer." He blurted out, changing his mind. So we sat, and held hands talked away some of the nervousness. However, he simply couldn't go in. I don't know what the difference was in getting the casino hotel room, but it bothered him so.

So we drove around for a while in the area, then we drove some more... We found ourselves back tracking through one of the nearby lake points, and decided to stop off and relax there for a while.

"I'm sorry, I just couldn't go in. I just couldn't bring myself to." He said apologetically.

"That's ok, I'm not mad. I don't care where we go anyway as long as we spend the day together." I said softly, smiling. He'd leaned in and kissed me, and as his kisses always did it stayed on my lips long after our lips had parted.

"You have such a sweet mouth." he whispered to me, face-to-face.

There was just something about him, something that made me completely crazy for him. Our kissing turned into caressing, and heated conversations and emotions as well as frustrations. He had me sit on his lap in the passenger side for hours, we would come close but he would back off, feeling too guilty to go any further.

Our conversations included hypothetical scenarios of our being married, what life would be like together... things we would do, how happy we could truly be. Even though I had never fancied myself a parent, the way he talked to me about having babies together made me want to, and made me want him even more. But we both knew that talking about it, being turned on by the ideas was one thing... making it a reality was another. There were just way too many complications and too many factors that would keep the dream from coming true.

He spoke seriously of the situation on more than one occasion, asking me, "If I really went through with it, you know... do you think you could see yourself marrying me?"

"I believe I could... yes. There's nothing that would make me happier."

I doubted he would ever go that far--you know, really go through with it, and I truly had no intent on ruining someone's family or their lives. I didn't want him to do something he would regret, and I was always honest. Though truth be known, deep down inside, there was nothing I would've loved better... Things were not that easy though. This is how I rationalized it in my head, even though I wanted what he was proposing to be reality, I don't think I was brave enough to fight the world and have it come true.

We would've both have to make many sacrifices and be ready to change our lives forever. Were we ready and willing to do that? When it came down to it, could we really do what was necessary? It just wasn't that simple... I wished it was.

That was very long day together, and one of the most beautiful, yet frustrating times we may have spent.

"You're making me insane! You're just draining me of all my energy." I plead, as he lets me know he just can't go through with what we had planned that evening.

"I'm sorry." he replied, with his head down, holding my hand. He had so many conflicting emotions going on and we both felt a little out of control... I never wanted it to be that complicated, and I never wanted to hurt a soul.

Soon, a guy who worked the 3rd shift--who needed nights at home with his son, bumped me so he could take 2nd shift. Things were feeling worse than ever for me. I couldn't adjust to nights, I couldn't get Z off my mind and I could barely function without him around. Sometimes I could put a request in to work the earlier shift, and when I could I dove at the chance just to work near him again. Then on days that we were low on work I would be the first to volunteer to be the one they sent home early so I could go sleep, or talk to him.

When I got off in the early morning, as soon as she had left for work, he would call me or I would call him and we would talk on the phone for hours, or he would try to come by my place on his way in to work and spend a couple of hours.

"You sound so sexy first thing in the morning." He would always say.

I would just smile and blush silently, telling him that it was his voice that sounded so hot... and that I was so glad to hear him. It was the only thing that was getting me through after being bumped to 3rd shift. I truly hated it, and I wanted things to go back to the way they were... I had not wanted anything to change. Everyone knows, though, that change is imminent... and nothing gold can stay.
>> Continue to Chapter Five (Conclusion)

Miss a part? Choose a Chapter Below:
Butterflies and Zebras and Moonbeams - Part I
Read Butterflies and Zebras and Moonbeams - Part II
Read Butterflies and Zebras and Moonbeams - Part III
Read Butterflies and Zebras and Moonbeams - Part IV
Read Butterflies and Zebras and Moonbeams - Five (Conclusion)


JINKS said...

This is heart breaking and I wonder how it will end..makes me think of a Sid Selvidge song."Do I ever cross your mind?".

You know what I mean, you think back over a long ago love and wonder if they ever think of you.

I am proud of you as a woman, a friend, and a writer. Good to know that you claimed your own feelings in all this....thank you for sharing it with us all.

Dan said...

Hiya Jaxxx, I haven't read this yet ... I have to read the other parts first!

But I just wanted to stop in to say hi to one of the sweetest bloggers I know. :)

captain corky said...

This stuff is really good and you're a hell of a writer.

RockDog said...

Very interesting. Good job!

ZigZagMan said...

I'm with the captain.....excellent writing and great addition to the roller coaster ride..:)

Aunt Jackie said...

Thanks guys, always happy to know that you enjoyed the story... :)

Roller Coaster ride? Wow cool Zig!

her indoors said...

this is truly great i am loving it!
ok slight problem here your blog page loads up then the right side just disappears, any one else having the same problem?

Four Dinners said...

Gimme more. I want to know what happens next. Come on! I'm a real impatient sod yer know.

Kim said...

That's right, Ponygirl. lol