Thursday, December 11, 2008

Thirst

Here's the latest "Daddy Update" just real quick, I won't go too detailed because I'm tired of talking it out more or less, but just wanted to give y'all a little run-down, and some thoughts.

First off, I can't help but feel like we've been in a soap opera. As you run around the hospital, in and out of the cafeteria, people come by that you know. Just like "As The World Turns" or "Guiding Light" always seem to center around people meeting up with one another in the hospital somehow... Very odd. Seems one of my other classmates from High School had her father in on another floor for the exact same thing as my Dad. I found that odd. Then I saw my old crush Bob's Mom (Bob from my "Motorcycle Madness" story). He finally found Mrs. Right in the last few years, but then lost her to Breast Cancer. Irony huh. Another funny? Back when I saw him last he only had 1 daughter. His mom said he had 6 children (dodged that bullet I did).

I digress! On with Daddy update...

Okay so the other day, like 3:00 a.m. on Monday morning, the nurses gave Dad a much too powerful sedative. This may have been due to some of the difficulty that he had been displaying, such as trying to get out of bed, trying to pull out tubes, you know, catheters, his oxygen, etc. Well I think that the sedative they had been giving him to rest was a milder one, and that wasn't bad. Then when they decided to change up and test out this apparent "elephant tranquilizer", Dad could barely open his eyes for about 2 days I guess. Then when he finally started perking up some he was terribly weak, and they thought Pneumonia had set in, and that he wasn't able to cough up stuff, and couldn't eat or drink. So basically he was laying up starving and thirsty. On top of that, 'what about all the medicines they had on his chart to be administered orally?' you say... Well, he didn't get to take them. And they didn't even start him on an IV of nutrition until the whole next day. So he got nothing, and just lay there in a terrible state. It's really awful to see that type of thing you know. Finally, some of the evening nurse staff started to think, 'Hey, he's quite sedated... this is not good, he's not alright.' Y'think?? Why do you think we have been asking you all repeatedly if he wasn't a little "too" sedated, and shouldn't he kind of be coming out of this BY NOW???

Anyroad, they performed a procedure yesterday that took some of the fluid from his lung area, and helped him breath some easier. So he has improved some, but we're still waiting on him to be able to eat and drink and gain his strength back enough to get him home. We've had a host of doctors and nurses, some the voice of doom and indifference, and some pretty good coming in and out of his room. We appreciate all of your words, kind or inspirational, and keeping us in your thoughts. It helps. Thanks so much.

I know that it a selfish thing to want someone to continue to live, and I agree to that. I don't want my Dad to suffer, and I don't want Mom to suffer and/or be so sad either. The fact is, every person on this earth has a different opinion, and belief system too. What one person feels, another will most likely not agree with. That's o.k., because we're all different, and it can't be changed... I wouldn't want it to be changed.

Regarding the suffering, and the forcing someone to keep on living through hell is not my idea of selfless, and it's not the way I want to be. I want to make sure someone is living out their life to their own wishes. When someone loses the ability to have their own wishes be known, and they're unable to speak for themselves very well, then it becomes the family who has to dictate this to the best of their ability. My father would not want to be kept alive on artificial life-support, that's for sure. But I do think he wants everything that could be done to help him, if in fact it is going to help him feel better.

Sure, I hope like hell that he gets to live a little longer and come back home and all, I am only human and I have very fine parents... who would want to lose people like my Mom and Dad?? But I also know that I will always have them with me in spirit and that they are both a part of me... so that does give me perspective when I am contemplating the road ahead... a road that I will eventually continue on without my Mom and Dad as they decide to get off the highway and explore new and uncharted territories.

The fact is, I don't think that dying itself is the scary part at all. To me, the scary part is the pain and anguish that comes along with sickness and aging... the misery that one can go through in this life. So many things seem unfair to those who seem to deserve it the most. But that goes under the unexplained mysteries of the universe. We'll all see the bigger picture one day and maybe understand a little easier.

Thirst. The thirst for knowledge, the thirst for understanding, and then the thirst some days... simply for Orange Juice when the hospital has sedated you beyond comprehension and starved you half to death in an effort to "help" you... help you "what" exactly?? Live? Or Die? We're all doing a pretty good job of that ourselves I think. I'm not so sure that I want that kind of help.

An Apple A Day? I think not.

Well along with all of this, we're also continuing on towards Christmas time, and trying to survive that as well. Everything else seems quite on hold though, including my band stuff (although I'm sure there's a song in there somewhere), and trying to catch up here at work.

Everything will "pan out" though, as my Mom would say.

I've got a lot to get done this week to weekend, though, so I'll be in and out. I missed the WWC this week, sorry for that. Let me know what's going on in your worlds as well. I've rambled enough for today.

5 comments:

Jay said...

The worst part of all this is that it's happening during the Christmas season. I hope he improves (and the doctors and nurses quit screwing up!) and is able to go home for one more Christmas!

BBC said...

I know that it a selfish thing to want someone to continue to live, and I agree to that.

Yes, that is selfish, only the body dies, not the spirit. You can see the same spirit in yourself and others when you are aware of it.

I don't know, be thankful that it didn't sneak up on you and that you could pre morn some and get ready for the event?

My wife died in minutes and that hit me much harder than if I knew it was coming.

Never mind that she was an idiot, it still hit me hard, she had her good parts also, as we all do.

When I die I don't want any fucking morning, I want a cerebration of my life, like an Irish wake.

Furtheron said...

Dear Jackie - it is a horrible time. I lost my Dad quickly - there one day, gone the next after a massive heart attack. With Mum she was ill for a long time, we knew what the end would be and when it came it took a while. At one point in that there was talk of my treatment, harsher chemo etc. I know she was really struggling with that, she didn't want the pain and the issues with that, but how could she say to us her three children that she wanted to leave us? In some ways gladly the decision never came as it progress so far that she wasn't well enough for the tests and the doctors really made that decision for us all. I know for my Mum though it was a relief. And she's still here, I hear her every day in my kids and in me and my sister and brother. We miss her and remember her - all the family will meet up again on New Years Day - it used to be at her place. This year we'll all be there with new additions in partners and a greatgrandson she sadly never saw but another chapter from her.

Big hugs to you - and don't be so hard on yourself it is a dilema that is very valid.

g-man said...

I hope that now he can recover more quickly. It can be very trying to be in the care of someone else. Peace to you and your family.

Chelly said...

It's so frustrating when the medical staff mess up. You've been through a lot these past 2 weeks. You and your family must be exhausted. I just read your latest post, I'm so glad your daddy's back home.

xoxo