It can be very draining.
Don't get me wrong, I do my best to continue on and take care of the day-to-day flow of what I have to do, I'm just saying that I am definitely affected... those around me may or may not see this. On those days when I can't seem to keep it under wraps, however, I am not an easy person to be around... especially for those with a low tolerance for emotion (like Richie-it is hard for him sometimes, but he hangs in there for some strange reason).
Given my emotional state today, I have been listening to a few songs that really remind me of my Daddy. Most of you who know me well probably know that although I grew up hearing country music because of my parents, I don't like it that much at all nowadays. There are exceptions, but I don't find much that I can stand. So the songs in the following play list are not my normal tastes, but like I said, I feel close to Dad when I hear them.
If you enjoy country, especially "older" country then listen in to the Memories of Daddy Playlist.
January 14th marks one whole year since he passed... God I can't believe it. Haven't seen my Dad for a whole year. Don't get me wrong, I know he's around, I know he pops up by my side and hasn't truly left us, but still it is hard and just sometimes I wish I could go sit at the table with them both, have a cup of coffee and have Daddy just grab my purse and try to ruffle through it like he always did to annoy me, or tell him a joke... or have him tell me a joke, or just hug me. Yeah, that would be so cool... how much we freakin take for granted in this world.
I love my family so much, even though some of us don't seem to make the effort to be part of each others' lives these days, I still love them and I hope they know it. They're not even reading this you know. ;)
My close friends also know that they are thought of as family by me. So that goes without saying. However, I have such a hard time outside of my loved ones, and those of you who I really enjoy knowing, finding good in the world, its "people". It just gets harder by the day.
As loving as I am, or try to be there is a deep, dark side that not many people see on my surface. A few truths? Just to skim the surface, AJ:
- Is NOT a very nice person, even if it seems that way. (I'm sweet and have a big heart for those who have earned it though)
- Has a lot of mean thoughts.
- Is pretty Jealous, but trying to work on that since nobody and nothing is really worth it.
- Is EXTREMELY agitated by rude people, ignorance and stupidity, and is therefore agitated quite often.
- Hates being on the phone, and doesn't appreciate hearing about a bunch of meaningless drivel. When in doubt, don't call, and if you do, make it short and to the point. If I wanna talk to you, and I have time to talk your phone will ring.
- Doesn't like it when you drop by unexpectedly, f**in call first (but don't talk long, see above)!
- Can't stand racist, ignorant and redneck behavior (goes along with ignorance and stupidity above). There are good and bad people of every race. Stop being blinded by skin tone.
- Refuses to grow up, I enjoy thinking childlike, and I like escaping reality from time-to-time. I still get my business taken care of, and don't need you to tell me to grow up. Retaining the magic and imagination of a child is essential for surviving adulthood. You were a child once. Don't be such a know-it-all, hang on to it.
- Hates people who are "Holier Than Thou"... open your mind. The universe is not about just you. You are a small dust speck just like the rest of us. The only way all of the "specks" can make a difference is to bind together as one big dirtball.
One last thing that has irritated me this week: While most of my neighbors and people around the area have been decent about getting their holiday decorations down in due time (not perfect, but not bad), "The Necks" around the corner, still haven't budged. Every evening when I roll into the hood, their house is still laden with inflatable Santa and Christmas Trees in the yard, and lights all over their house. Make no mistake, The Necks' house is always decorated year-round, only their usual is a red strand of lights around the edge of the house and their rebel flag which states proudly "Redneck". Come on guys, at least give it a rest and get back to normal.
Oh my aching nerves this week... but I am feeling better just for venting. Thanks for giving it an eye.
Although I am not all good, I'm not all bad either so give me a break. ;)
Have a nice week-end. -AJ