Well another weekend, or as I like to think of it (as of 5:00 Friday upon leaving work), 45 hours of my life wasted that i'm not getting back. I know-there's nothing wrong with kicking back and relaxing and enjoying life... I'm all for it. But doesn't that constitute a little 'going out' and actually experiencing some of it outside the walls of your house??
Maybe? Ok, well even in the vein of 'staying home and catching up on things that need to be done around the house', explain to me why none of that has been accomplished... I have not accomplished or completed one solitary task this weekend except for pointing and laughing at life as it passed me by.
Maybe I sound a little bitter or panicked. Well I am! What am I going to do about this lack of motivation and lack of self-discipline?? I've never been the best at it, as I am an extreme procrastinator. But I don't like it at all--I want to change. I want to begin again with a better spirit of fight and competition, motivation... I want to be a 'go getter'. How do the ones of you who wake up every morning, bright and cheery with a smile on your face do it?? How do you get up and go perform your morning routine (jogging, planning, getting things done) and have self-satisfying productive days?? I need to know, please tell me how this can be done.
As it stands now, for the past few weeks I want to flush my head down a toilet by the end of the weekend thinking of all the things that need to be done that I should've accomplished while I had "time" during the weekend, but I let it all slide and can only think "Well, o.k. next weekend I am going to dedicate to this, and I'll get that done... Feeling unaccomplished is a big contributor I think in my lack of feelings of self-worth... thinking that I am lazy and never do the things I love doing anymore... which contributes to bouts of depression, boredom, and the opinion that life has lost it's luster mostly. I think that some of this results from feelings I have about my family, and how things are now. Not as good, not as bright and happy as it once was. My family has grown apart, and we may never be the same with each other anymore. Feels like i'm looking 'the end' in the face where they're concerned. As my parents age, and as my siblings and their families grow distant, I see that only chaos and strife might remain. It's just over--and we're all hanging on to a very thin thread that gets thinner with each holiday we attempt to spend together.
The future, what we can accomplish starting now?? Well that's within our control! It is up to us (me) to paint our (my) own canvase(s) and make them about anything that we (I) choose... Nobody else can do it. Nobody. So that means it is all in me--So how do I go about this motivation process?? How in this universe do I find my muse?
The past is finite. It is already gone. Something has got to change in my life because I can't continue to live vicariously on my past glory stories, I've got to create some new ones or risk running out of material, am I right?? The future is infinite (I mean, physically our bodies will have an end, but unless we're a true physic and we can put an exact expiration date on these vessels then we cannot define the exact length of the future).
So I have to learn to take that, and appreciate it because it is unwritten paper... unpainted canvas at my disposal. Mine to create... I have already scribbled all over the used-up past ones, and I can admire and write about them still--But there's no going back and re-doing them... there's just not. I'm going to have to make a strong effort and pull myself out of my past. I know it looks great in retrospect, it seems to me now that it was the "best of times". In actuality, however, it wasn't. I was just Jackie Cutler... Just as dissatisfied with life, and feeling unaccomplished then as I am now (as Jackie Wood)--but only about different things. I think we tend to forget the negative, and only remember the positive moments sometimes, so it is inevitable to "pine" for the past.
It's time to jump up and take a stand and begin work on this next project--my future--and make it a masterpiece that can outshine the others... How can I kick myself, or light a fire underneath me and find my inspiration though??? It feels like a mountain of an obstacle right now to me... I need help to find my way. I desperately wish it would come soon.
For today, I can only share these feelings with you and let you know that I appreciate each and every one of you who happen to find my blog worthy of reading whether you make yourself known to me with a lovely comment, or whether you keep yourself anonymous... Thank you.
I'll continue to give stories and poetry whenever the memory and inspiration strikes... because I will always love the past-it made me who I am today! I have to share [what I can of] that. But I have to gear myself towards a more rewarding future too.
Lastly, I'll leave you with the lyrics to this song that I had on my mind this morning... it's very old, and kind of simple, but it's how I was feeling today... hope you remember and like it too. Enjoy what's left of your weekend, and continue [or begin if you don't already] to:
"Be Good To Yourself"...
Runnin out of self-control
Gettin close to an overload
Up against a no win situation
Shoulder to shoulder, push and shove
Im hangin up my boxin gloves
Im ready for a long vacation
Be good to yourself when, nobody else will
Oh be good to yourself
Youre walkin a high wire, caught in a cross fire
Oh be good to yourself
When you cant give no more
They want it all but you gotta say no
Im turnin off the noise that makes me crazy
Lookin back with no regrets
To forgive is to forget
I want a little piece of mind to turn to
(Lyrics by Journey)