Sunday, February 25, 2007

Be Good To Yourself

Well another weekend, or as I like to think of it (as of 5:00 Friday upon leaving work), 45 hours of my life wasted that i'm not getting back. I know-there's nothing wrong with kicking back and relaxing and enjoying life... I'm all for it. But doesn't that constitute a little 'going out' and actually experiencing some of it outside the walls of your house??

Maybe? Ok, well even in the vein of 'staying home and catching up on things that need to be done around the house', explain to me why none of that has been accomplished... I have not accomplished or completed one solitary task this weekend except for pointing and laughing at life as it passed me by.

Maybe I sound a little bitter or panicked. Well I am! What am I going to do about this lack of motivation and lack of self-discipline?? I've never been the best at it, as I am an extreme procrastinator. But I don't like it at all--I want to change. I want to begin again with a better spirit of fight and competition, motivation... I want to be a 'go getter'. How do the ones of you who wake up every morning, bright and cheery with a smile on your face do it?? How do you get up and go perform your morning routine (jogging, planning, getting things done) and have self-satisfying productive days?? I need to know, please tell me how this can be done.

As it stands now, for the past few weeks I want to flush my head down a toilet by the end of the weekend thinking of all the things that need to be done that I should've accomplished while I had "time" during the weekend, but I let it all slide and can only think "Well, o.k. next weekend I am going to dedicate to this, and I'll get that done... Feeling unaccomplished is a big contributor I think in my lack of feelings of self-worth... thinking that I am lazy and never do the things I love doing anymore... which contributes to bouts of depression, boredom, and the opinion that life has lost it's luster mostly. I think that some of this results from feelings I have about my family, and how things are now. Not as good, not as bright and happy as it once was. My family has grown apart, and we may never be the same with each other anymore. Feels like i'm looking 'the end' in the face where they're concerned. As my parents age, and as my siblings and their families grow distant, I see that only chaos and strife might remain. It's just over--and we're all hanging on to a very thin thread that gets thinner with each holiday we attempt to spend together.

The future, what we can accomplish starting now?? Well that's within our control! It is up to us (me) to paint our (my) own canvase(s) and make them about anything that we (I) choose... Nobody else can do it. Nobody. So that means it is all in me--So how do I go about this motivation process?? How in this universe do I find my muse?

The past is finite. It is already gone. Something has got to change in my life because I can't continue to live vicariously on my past glory stories, I've got to create some new ones or risk running out of material, am I right?? The future is infinite (I mean, physically our bodies will have an end, but unless we're a true physic and we can put an exact expiration date on these vessels then we cannot define the exact length of the future).

So I have to learn to take that, and appreciate it because it is unwritten paper... unpainted canvas at my disposal. Mine to create... I have already scribbled all over the used-up past ones, and I can admire and write about them still--But there's no going back and re-doing them... there's just not. I'm going to have to make a strong effort and pull myself out of my past. I know it looks great in retrospect, it seems to me now that it was the "best of times". In actuality, however, it wasn't. I was just Jackie Cutler... Just as dissatisfied with life, and feeling unaccomplished then as I am now (as Jackie Wood)--but only about different things. I think we tend to forget the negative, and only remember the positive moments sometimes, so it is inevitable to "pine" for the past.

It's time to jump up and take a stand and begin work on this next project--my future--and make it a masterpiece that can outshine the others... How can I kick myself, or light a fire underneath me and find my inspiration though??? It feels like a mountain of an obstacle right now to me... I need help to find my way. I desperately wish it would come soon.

For today, I can only share these feelings with you and let you know that I appreciate each and every one of you who happen to find my blog worthy of reading whether you make yourself known to me with a lovely comment, or whether you keep yourself anonymous... Thank you.

I'll continue to give stories and poetry whenever the memory and inspiration strikes... because I will always love the past-it made me who I am today! I have to share [what I can of] that. But I have to gear myself towards a more rewarding future too.

Lastly, I'll leave you with the lyrics to this song that I had on my mind this morning... it's very old, and kind of simple, but it's how I was feeling today... hope you remember and like it too. Enjoy what's left of your weekend, and continue [or begin if you don't already] to:

"Be Good To Yourself"...

Runnin out of self-control
Gettin close to an overload
Up against a no win situation
Shoulder to shoulder, push and shove
Im hangin up my boxin gloves
Im ready for a long vacation

Be good to yourself when, nobody else will
Oh be good to yourself
Youre walkin a high wire, caught in a cross fire
Oh be good to yourself

When you cant give no more
They want it all but you gotta say no
Im turnin off the noise that makes me crazy
Lookin back with no regrets
To forgive is to forget
I want a little piece of mind to turn to
(Lyrics by Journey)

2 comments:

Mike E said...

you know one thing that has changed since we grew up Jackie?

To be a rock star you used to have to be 20-something & possess physical characteristics classified, in the odd judgment of the times, as some kind of Hot.

Yeah. But as for the music? Well. I saw Cyndi Lopper. Cool. But not hot. I saw Twisted Sister from the second row (a secret bomb I plan to drop in a near-future speedWay post). Righto. So between you & me, Memphis doll, DUDE it was so fucking COOL!!

Warped my young brain irrevocably. But not because the show was hot precisely. It was just so fucking cool.

Prince at the Orange Bowl...well. Sheila E opened. Then Prince rose on a platform from beneath the stage. Said: "Happy Easter Florida!! This is the Revolution.

Now that shit was hot.

Smoked like if the Fireworks store at South of the Border was smote by a lightening bolt.

Dang.

He opened with Let's Go Crazy. The lyrics to which, coincidentally, will cure you from your funk.

All excited. We don't know Why?

May be cuz we're

ALL GONNA DIE!!


And there will be no soul mate to help us then.

Good news is that, unlike in the 80's, you really are never too old to be a rock & roll star nowadays. If you smoke, smoke. You don't even have to be sexy. So long as you get the kids' Rocks Off!

And seriously -- where would kids these days learn how to without old farts like me & you to show 'em how It is properly done?

Aunt Jackie said...

Well I disagree with the Old Farts part of it, but the rest of it makes good sense... I am so eclectic when it comes to music though, I love everything from old to new, some stuff people may have never even heard of...

As far as my band's music style, I can't really put the label on it-but it's from the heart take it or leave it... Music and art, that's my life and my soul.

Thanks for the add by the way.