Sunday, June 19, 2016

A Letter To My Parents, Long Gone

Dear Mom and Dad,

For some reason, when I decided to write you this letter, I stupidly went looking around the internet for ideas on what to write. It was interesting, as I found a couple of nice articles that gave me a little inspiration. However, I thought to myself, "Why on earth are you looking for an idea on what to write to your parents from someone else's mind? You're the talented, magical one. Your words and your heart are all you need to write anything." Then I agreed with myself, ate some gummi bears, basically nullifying my healthy salad that I had for lunch, and decided to go ahead and dig in, just as if I were there at the kitchen table with you both sitting there. The smell of smoke still permeates the air of that kitchen in my memory, no offense (but all offense would be taken) as I can't even put a number on the thousands of cigarettes that were smoked in that house over the years that it belonged to our family. All of the games of Dominoes you played with Aunts and Uncles and your few close friends over coffee. Me, hanging around like an 8 year old adult, since I was always around you guys with rarely any other kids to play with. I guess I was probably very irritating at times.

Anyway, Today is Father's Day, and as you probably know from observing all of us from wherever your window seat sits nowadays, we don't do so well on holidays anymore. These were the days we knew would always be spent having dinner with you at your house, bringing you things to put a smile on your face and now they are days (at least for me) spent in some sort of void, doing things that I would do on any other day, yet still thinking of you and wishing you were here.

When you left, I told you I would be okay because you raised a strong woman. You did, and I am. As hard as some of these days get, as much as I sometimes want to break so badly, and don't know what I am going to do I hang on to the strength and the love that you both showed at all times, that quality that you taught and passed down to us. I know that life is what we make it, and as Dad wrote in one of those cards I found in some old graduation stuff, "...there will be good times, and bad times... but overall, the good mostly outweighs the bad." *I don't have that right in front of me, and I somehow know I am getting the wording wrong, but that was the basic jist of what he said, thought his words were more eloquent than mine. I have to go and dig that out, as I need to see his handwriting.

Somehow in my spirit, I know you are together and everything is perfect for you, back together as you always wanted, and nobody and nothing (not man, not disease) can take that from you now. It is a comfort to me, even though I am lonely here without you to have coffee with, and to call on the phone when I need to hear the kindest voices in the world, or to come and get a hug from when the world has just been that sour and the only thing that can make anything better is being with your Mom and Dad.

Yes, don't worry I am as strong as I promised you I would be. I just can't help that some days are too hard to get by without tears. I am then accused of weakness, depression, insanity and of being over-emotional and annoying. In fact, for me tears are necessary as I am made of water anyway, and sometimes we water creatures overflow and have to balance ourselves out.

Water, people really do misunderstand us a lot sometimes, we appear so soft and giving, we comfort, we cleanse, we shimmer and shine no matter how much garbage people throw at us. However, we are adaptable, we flow around our obstacles, we can overtake and drown, and over time, through our patient persistence, and at times our apparent doggedness in certain situations, we 'tap away' at a thing until it is transformed or destroyed, whichever comes first.

So you see, I will be fine, seriously. People just mistake my kindness for weakness at times, and sometimes I put myself through way more than I should, and I give myself way less than I deserve, but I am trying... I haven't given up.

I think of you both every day, and I love you more than ever... I just needed to talk to you, and the best thing I could think was to write you a letter.

I know you'll receive it, wherever you are right now.

I'll be seeing you,

Your youngest daughter, Jax

No comments: