Thursday, May 26, 2016

Over and Over and Over

This morning I popped over here to the blog with intentions of writing some little sentimental post about "Him" (Z) but I looked down and I spewed too much word vomit in the other post from February entitled  Time, That Slippery Bastard. So how can I, in good conscience, do another damn post with him as my main focal point? 

I really can't.

However, as I have once again gotten frustrated and depressed, I have really felt a horrible urge to jump in my time machine and escape back to that time once again... the time where he acted crazy and did stupid things just to get to me and spend time with me. The time when he, turning flush red with want, shyly approached me to tell me just how enchanted he was with me. A moment that charged with electricity affects a woman seriously. Gentlemen, it sticks with us... for life. May never see his face again in this lifetime, but not a day goes by that I don't think of him. I was an adult female, but I became a grown woman in the moment that he first kissed me. It was my best moment, and also the exact moment my life changed and I was ruined. 

Should I consider that my 'defining moment'? If he hadn't happened, everything would have gone so differently for me, I'd probably be a proper lady with a "stick around husband" and a litter of kids. If he had still happened but things had gone differently, I would be the same proper lady, but he would have just been the "stick around husband" I guess.

No matter how many times I touch on this memory, it is in vain, it does no good for me to keep living there, and then, and keep repeating myself with this fairy tale over, and over, and over. "Reality" demands attention, and I am painfully reminded every day that I do NOT, in fact, have any sort of time machine and I have woken up enough times to the disappointing realization that all of the stuff that happened after him were apparently real, and not "just a long, deep, dark, terrible-awful dream". Yes I am living that truth, haven't found any way around that. 

No I don't really "live in the past", I do realize my present moment, and I am looking to the future for better things to come because I have no other choice. But if I should ever stumble across that magic wand, or a time machine of any sort, or that rabbit hole and find a way, I promise you I won't hesitate to take the trip.

I can't be the only one who feels this way about time.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Backwards Traveller

Time is just on crack. I can't believe it's already nearly June, and the last time I posted was sometime in February. I am getting back in here to post more, and really didn't even intend to or realize I had allowed such a gap of time to pass without posting. In my defense, my life has not been normal for some time, well a lot of time actually. I still wake up sometimes and look around hoping that everything has all been a depressingly bad dream, but each time I do, it's quickly apparent that I was awake, and not going to 'wake up' a second time. Now don't get me wrong, I am tired of shit being shitty, but I'm not blaming anyone but myself, and I am not bitching about it "like that", so hold your "get over it" and "snap out of it" comments. Save them for some other pitiful soul who you find to be annoying, dark and depressing. I'm FINE. It's my blog and I'll bitch all I damn well please. Now I don't usually type out too many cuss words, because you never know who's reading, but sometimes I am too tired to censor myself, and just say "fuck it." Anyways, I have mainly filled a lot of my time searching for a job, playing video games and spending time with my close peeps. I finally found a new job, so I am getting back on track and on my feet again. I may detail it a little bit more in my next entry. Thanks for coming by and reading, and I'll be more regular, I promise. Please leave me comments. I always enjoy knowing who's reading. Say a word, go on and force yourself. Happy Towel Day. Don't Panic!! Jax

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Time, That Slippery Bastard

Well, I am at it once more, wallowing in a pool of sexy, romantic, memory inducing music. I have been doing this for a couple of days now. When this happens, sometimes it is with a certain person from my past on my mind (Z). Sometimes it is just a melted together memory storm of everyone and everything I've been through, as the years have zoomed by.

Time gets away from me, time causes me pain with the passing of it and with all that comes and goes with it. The dirty bastard will take your loved ones, steal your lovers, sit up with you on long, lonely nights and remind you the exact moment you took that dastardly turn and your whole world went wrong. He is a truly heartless scumbag at times.

Hey no worries, I'm not in a bad mood, so don't come at me with any lectures about keeping on the sunny side of life, please. I'm just running off at the mouth. That's what this is for, I can vent, I can wax poetic, I can simply entertain, whatever I feel... my blog right?

As long as I am back to writing and staying fairly frequent I feel like I am doing better.

But as I was saying, the music really gives me that urge to jump in a time machine and go back to some of my life's warmer moments, times when I truly felt that electric exhilaration. That true and official "first kiss", the one that actually made the room spin and catapulted you into slow motion... yeah the one that nobody thinks really exists, but I am here to tell you it does. The sad part is, however that if you are so lucky as to experience that kiss, if it is something that Time (that derelict curmudgeon) decides to rip right out of your desperately love-stricken hands, you will spend the rest of your life trying to find that x-factor again in another.

You occasionally will think you have found it, or you will come close. You'll find an alternate universe that you will learn to live with, and convince yourself that it is right and happy and that this is truly what it is supposed to be like. You'll convince yourself that what you had was a fairy tale pipe dream, and an unrealistic expectation of love... yet subconsciously you will continue to seek that spark because you need it like vitamin C. You die a slower death in a faster fading life, thanks to Time because it can make such an awful thing possible.

Honestly, it is not an unrealistic expectation of love. Who has the right to say that it can't be that way? Why do we allow ourselves to be convinced that we don't deserve that level of ecstasy and elation in our heart and soul's counterpart? I think we do and should, if we have a sliver of a chance to experience that, and hold on to it (if possible, and sometimes it's not for long).

"If you smash into something good, you should hold on until it's time to let go." Under the Tuscan sun (Marcello)

Even if it is for a few days, a few weeks, months or years... or if it turns out to be for life, it is worth the risk of heartbreak and loss. I know i'm being the biggest cliche to support the 'better to have loved and lost than never to have.... blah blah blah', and I have my moments when I wish I haven't been through so much pain this go-round', but I honestly would not trade those moments for anything in the world. It allowed me to realize I was actually alive, it set my soul aflame. I knew there was more to this world than just breathing and learning how to 'adult' and pay bills and be miserable.

It gave me something to pray for and look forward to and cherish, even after it was just a memory.

Maybe I will never see it or him ever again. Does my heart and mind know a difference between replaying it in my mind and reality? If I dream it who is to say that it isn't as real? One of the universe's biggest questions... (repeat singing, "For all we know, this may only be a dream...") --It really doesn't matter at the end of the day. I am thankful I have had the privilege of a connection that I can still speak on with such passion in my heart this many years later.

There are some who go through their entire lives and never know that feeling.. that forever life-changing moment that makes everything else pale in comparison (right or wrong). Is it stupid? For some of you, the answer to that will be a prevailing "Yes".

Perhaps it is what has kept me here this long, still hoping, still having faith that some day it will be returned to me... if Time should decide to reduce my sentence and gift me that one more chance at happily ever after.

Wow what a lame post... but I am just incurable at times. Besides, what did you write today?