Wednesday, June 29, 2016

I Need A Cup Of Tea

I watch the beings of this world run around in these flimsy, fragile costumes we were each assigned with, and well, I often wonder why any of us have come here.

This place is scary, it is the stuff of horror movies and tragedy, where it feels most days like the only thing truly fictional about anything or everything here is its comedy (the amount that exists is minuscule). Things are only funny for a fleeting moment, we're dosed a spoonful of joy or laughter, just long enough to trick us into taking down full force the bitter medicine that follows.

If we truly chose to incarnate here, and take this as some sort of assignment, I really want to know why. I want to go back and see what the other options were, as they must have been unthinkable to have me choose something like this, it can only have been a last resort.

I woke up feeling this way, as my soul is just aching for the comforts of home.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Greetings from Sweet Sixteen

Dear Me Living in 2016,

 Felt some sort of an S.O.S. call, and it took me a minute to figure out which one of us was in need of our support. Turns out that it is you, so I hope this does not arrive to you too late. After realizing that our birthday was here (YESTERDAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ME!!), it all came to me. Yes, I know that you probably don't think that your 16 year old self could be of much wisdom or assistance in crises of 'adult affairs', but I think you will remember that our highest self is pretty much one in the same, so while I might not yet know everything I need to know, I guess I am being used to convey what is needed (don't shoot the messenger)!!!
(You love exclamation points, remember?)

Okay, so I wasn't told the exact circumstances or events or dates of things that have happened in your life. I haven't been told "TMI" ha-ha!! (Too Much Information) because of the affect it might have on me, but I was just told you needed a word from me as you are having a hard time.

I have wondered about you, the things you would do and experience through the years ahead. Are you married, do you have kids? I never thought of myself as a Mom, but I think that I probably do want to have kids at some point, when I meet the right guy. I wish things weren't so hard, like I have a crush on someone but I am always too scared to say or do anything about it. If you think back, I bet you remember who it is. Oh how I wish he would notice me (us) ha-ha!

Well, school is okay, I really don't fit in and don't have a lot of friends really, I mean I have Kathy and Shiree, my two best friends and we are in our own little group. Misfits of some sort. My friend Kim is also great. I enjoy band, for many reasons (smile). We ride around a lot, and hang out, sometimes at the "Tracks", where Kathy's boyfriend Joey and a lot of his friends get together on Fridays or Saturdays.

I don't really make the best grades, but I guess it's not that bad. Art class is my favorite, I really want to go to Memphis College of Art when I graduate. Anyway, nothing else really that interesting about school, and I'm sure you remember it all.

So I don't really know what to say to help, whatever you are going through, it worries me because I can't wait to be an adult and I can't wait to be free of people telling me what to do. Being grown up must be awesome! I guess everyone gets sad at times, but whatever is bothering you, don't worry about it too much. Remember, every time you ever stressed out about something, like a big test or a term paper, or some situation you thought you were going to die over, it always worked out and you felt like so much better after. I always like to play my piano when I am feeling sad, or if Mom and Dad will let me go to town and ride around in the car, I like to do that and listen to my favorite music. If you are still friends with Kim, Kathy or Shiree, or have some other friends, ask them to go to a movie or something. Go eat Pizza and listen to the jukebox like we always do, have some bread sticks (bread sticks or movie theater gummi bears can fix anything)!  :-)

Just a quick note about the birthday, I'm sure you remember the weenie roast Mom had for Sweet Sixteen. She built a fire out in the pasture and a few girls showed up, it was really fun. We got to roast marshmallows and make Smores, and those are so good. Kim also had a Sweet Sixteen party back in May, it was so cool, she had a "50's Theme" because you know she loves 50's music. We had a lot of fun. Supposedly turning 16 is some sort of big deal, but I really don't feel any different than I did at 15. Do you ever feel different as you grow up? I hope not. I want to be like Daddy, a big kid all my life. I hope you at least can do that.

Oh don't forget since it is summer, you can always go stay and hang out at Vickie's house, that never fails to make you feel better. Visit with "The Kids" =) Have fun, do something that you have been too scared to do or something new, being adult nobody can tell you not to. (Oh yeah but you probably have a job ha-ha!) I have still got to live by the rules right now, and sometimes I get really really mad at Mom and Dad, even though I love them.

Well I guess I better wrap this letter up, Shiree called and I have to call her back in a few. I think she wanted to do something tonight. Oh my gosh I am so glad it is summer, I'll be in 11th grade this fall. It seems like High School is forever, I can't wait to graduate and see the world! I hope I really do something that you (we) are proud of. I hope that you feel better, and I hope that whatever it is you are doing, and wherever you are that you are or get back to being truly happy.

Don't know if any of this helped, but just remember I am here when you need me, think of me and I'm right there in your heart. (I'm always so poetic and dramatic hahaha!!) Just BE happy... coz I sure want to. I'm counting on you to remember who we are. Also, deep down I truly know that everything is going to be alright.

Gotta go for now. LYLAS (Love Ya Like a SELF-since you're me you can't be a Sister) :-)

Hope the message gets to you in time for our birthday!
Jackie, 16

Monday, June 20, 2016

Air of December

Moving forward, looking to the future with positive thoughts, yet "living in the present", you know, staying in the NOW, that's all people preach. Don't get stuck in your past, it can only hold you back and keep you from living your life and achieving success... blab blab blab. I mean, there is truth to the fact that we need to always "live in the moment" because it is all we have in the palm of our hand, and of course have some aspirations of future dreams to work for as we do so. However, PISH POSH to the idea that reveling in our wonderful memories and keeping them close, thinking of them anytime we need to feel those feelings and remind ourselves of a thing because we need it badly, I don't think that is a bad thing, and I won't apologize for it.

Do you ever panic, though, for just a quick moment while trying to remember something... something they said, a joke they told, or some significant piece if information that they shared once in a distant conversation over coffee quite a long time ago? Because you need to hear it right this second, and they were the only soul that knew this piece of intel, you didn't save it or write it down and you need to ask them so badly, "What was that again?" Only they are not there to ask, and you are left with the knowledge that you can never hear it again. So unless you suddenly and magically remember it, or you happen to hear whatever it was later in life or in an alternate universe somewhere, it is lost forever.

I've done this with my Father's jokes, and important stories about his life, and my Mother's recipes or her little known facts about people about town or members of the family. I've done it with little home remedies Mom shared, that worked only for me and because only she could breath life into them giving them the magical properties that they had that healed me. Sometimes it isn't necessary information at all, sometimes it is just something you need to hear and only their voice will do, and it is lost to this world. It is such a strange feeling, that voided-out home-place at times in your life when you most need to go there, you start driving south and remember suddenly that it no longer exists except in your mind.

Oh yes our memories comfort us, and in having nothing but those memories left at times, I won't condemn any of us for sneaking through the cracks and hiding inside them for a while. Sometimes that is the only place that I feel safe.

These memories are not just loved ones who have passed on to the next chapter, if you will, but also recollections of lost loves and dead heartstrings, yes we miss those too and may need to visit once in a while, to that time when they burned and sang brightly.

I know you think me a foolish girl, one who refuses to mature ("Oh Grow Up!!") and live life like the serious dying vessel that everybody thinks we gotta 'come to terms with' at some point in our lives. Though we have those days where we may feel tired, run down and like our bodies are dying, I'm just not that serious dying vessel. Responsibilities and taking care of things that we bring into our lives, the things we feel we cannot live this life without give us enough serious work. I prefer to spend the rest of my time in my happy place, my comfortable alternate universe that I have fixed up for myself. A foolish girl, I am not, but one who lives in her fantasy world and is plenty happy there, maybe that is me... Who are you to judge what works for me? Nobody, I am sure you have enough work on your own.

I don't mind letting you in on a few of my idiosyncrasies here and there though, that is why you are here... to take a stroll through my "Forrest" (yes, that's right misspelled on purpose because I just wanted it that way).

Now, here is a tribute to someone who makes me feel cold and unwanted at times, and I need to work on this area of my life but in the meantime, Edie can speak for me.

"I remember you
Put a chill across my face
Like the air of December
I swear I remember it that way
I swear I remember it
Where are you now?"