Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Time, That Slippery Bastard

Well, I am at it once more, wallowing in a pool of sexy, romantic, memory inducing music. I have been doing this for a couple of days now. When this happens, sometimes it is with a certain person from my past on my mind (Z). Sometimes it is just a melted together memory storm of everyone and everything I've been through, as the years have zoomed by.

Time gets away from me, time causes me pain with the passing of it and with all that comes and goes with it. The dirty bastard will take your loved ones, steal your lovers, sit up with you on long, lonely nights and remind you the exact moment you took that dastardly turn and your whole world went wrong. He is a truly heartless scumbag at times.

Hey no worries, I'm not in a bad mood, so don't come at me with any lectures about keeping on the sunny side of life, please. I'm just running off at the mouth. That's what this is for, I can vent, I can wax poetic, I can simply entertain, whatever I feel... my blog right?

As long as I am back to writing and staying fairly frequent I feel like I am doing better.

But as I was saying, the music really gives me that urge to jump in a time machine and go back to some of my life's warmer moments, times when I truly felt that electric exhilaration. That true and official "first kiss", the one that actually made the room spin and catapulted you into slow motion... yeah the one that nobody thinks really exists, but I am here to tell you it does. The sad part is, however that if you are so lucky as to experience that kiss, if it is something that Time (that derelict curmudgeon) decides to rip right out of your desperately love-stricken hands, you will spend the rest of your life trying to find that x-factor again in another.

You occasionally will think you have found it, or you will come close. You'll find an alternate universe that you will learn to live with, and convince yourself that it is right and happy and that this is truly what it is supposed to be like. You'll convince yourself that what you had was a fairy tale pipe dream, and an unrealistic expectation of love... yet subconsciously you will continue to seek that spark because you need it like vitamin C. You die a slower death in a faster fading life, thanks to Time because it can make such an awful thing possible.

Honestly, it is not an unrealistic expectation of love. Who has the right to say that it can't be that way? Why do we allow ourselves to be convinced that we don't deserve that level of ecstasy and elation in our heart and soul's counterpart? I think we do and should, if we have a sliver of a chance to experience that, and hold on to it (if possible, and sometimes it's not for long).

"If you smash into something good, you should hold on until it's time to let go." Under the Tuscan sun (Marcello)

Even if it is for a few days, a few weeks, months or years... or if it turns out to be for life, it is worth the risk of heartbreak and loss. I know i'm being the biggest cliche to support the 'better to have loved and lost than never to have.... blah blah blah', and I have my moments when I wish I haven't been through so much pain this go-round', but I honestly would not trade those moments for anything in the world. It allowed me to realize I was actually alive, it set my soul aflame. I knew there was more to this world than just breathing and learning how to 'adult' and pay bills and be miserable.

It gave me something to pray for and look forward to and cherish, even after it was just a memory.

Maybe I will never see it or him ever again. Does my heart and mind know a difference between replaying it in my mind and reality? If I dream it who is to say that it isn't as real? One of the universe's biggest questions... (repeat singing, "For all we know, this may only be a dream...") --It really doesn't matter at the end of the day. I am thankful I have had the privilege of a connection that I can still speak on with such passion in my heart this many years later.

There are some who go through their entire lives and never know that feeling.. that forever life-changing moment that makes everything else pale in comparison (right or wrong). Is it stupid? For some of you, the answer to that will be a prevailing "Yes".

Perhaps it is what has kept me here this long, still hoping, still having faith that some day it will be returned to me... if Time should decide to reduce my sentence and gift me that one more chance at happily ever after.

Wow what a lame post... but I am just incurable at times. Besides, what did you write today?

Tuesday, February 09, 2016

Aunt-I Flow

As usual, I am swimming against the current and not staying in the flow of things, but I honestly do try. I don't know what my deal is.  Yes I've been still trying to write, and I have been journaling, although I have a little gap because yes I'm trying to slack. I hate that about myself.

Anyway, I have been doing a few things, superbowl stuff, goofing around, and also still job searching. But I paused tonight to go back in time to some music that feeds my soul... I try not to stress myself too much about anything and enjoy the moment (hence the importance of staying in the flow), because "For all we know, this may only be a dream. For all we know, tomorrow may never come."

Enjoy today.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

How You Doin?

Nothing much going on today, I am just doing a little reading, catching up and trying to get more job leads. I do enjoy the time off, but I am no fool, I know I have to work for a living. I have been submitting resumes and I have a few bites, so I hope something will pan out soon.

Since re-opening this, my original blog, I'm wondering how everyone is doing. Are you guys out there? Still reading, writing? I'm trying to check back by on everyone and see who's still activated and current, and who's still long gone.

If you are new or old to this blog, still, feel free to leave me a comment. Let me know you're out there. Let's all get back to writing more. It is doing me some good, and I think I am doing better... at least from expressing myself. As for life, well, I am still forced to take that moment to moment.

Here's mud in your eye ;-)

Jax (Aunt Jackie)

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Fast Cars and Freedom

Growing up, my life was more like Creeping Cars and Curfews because my parents were the over-protective, God-fearing type. As much faith as they said they walked in, my Mom was always convinced that I was going to die in a fiery crash, or choke on a spaghetti noodle and be lost to this world tragically and forever. Dad helped out by always accompanying me to buy cars, ensuring that I had the slowest one on the road. I always tried to tell them that you could be sitting in your living room, hiding from the world and if it was your time to go, a plane could come flying in and crush you, and that you could no more cause it to happen (unless you're the suicidal type) than you could run away from it if your number was up. The spaghetti noodle would know where to find you if it was your time to go.

Even so, I still found my way into trouble more often than not, but I learned how to keep it hidden and somehow by grace itself never found my way into any trouble that I couldn't get out of thus far. So I have had my share of faster rides, but never quite caught the bug for speed. My addiction became more the risk of getting your heart crushed than your body.

Yes I have always been in love with love.

Now, my music tastes, they vary. My iPod playlists are eclectic and then some. While I am not the biggest fan of country music, I will occasionally visit if I hear something that evokes emotion or brings back a memory. I am drawn in first by chords and notes that touch my soul, and then the words that ignite my heart.

Though my luck in love has been primarily ill-fated, I still dream and hold out hope that one day someone will come along that expresses themselves like the music that I so escape to when I am hurting.

These days, it is so rare for someone to even tell the truth or express what's in their heart, much less compare what they see in you, or their affections for you to some mental oil painting that lights you aflame.

For instance, the following is from the well-known Rascall Flatts song:

Starin' at you takin' off your makeup
Wondering why you even put it on
I know you think you do but, baby, you don't need it
Wish that you could see what I see it when it's gone
I see a dust trail following an old red Nova
Baby blue eyes, your head on my shoulder
Wait, baby, don't move, right there it is
T-shirt hanging off a dogwood branch
That river was cold, but we gave love a chance
Yeah, yeah, to me
You don't look a day over fast cars and freedom
That sunset river bank first time feeling
Yeah, smile and shake your head as if you don't believe me
I'll just sit right here and let you take me back
I'm on that gravel road, look at me
On my way to pick you up; you're standing on the front porch
Looking just like that, remember that?
I see a dust trail following an old red Nova
Baby blue eyes, your head on my shoulder
Wait, baby, don't move, right there it is
T-shirt hanging off a dogwood branch
That river was cold, but we gave love a chance
Yeah, yeah, to me
You don't look a day over fast cars and freedom
That sunset river bank first time feeling...

Now, I have never had anyone write a song for me (not that I know of), but if I did, I don't think I could resist a man who equated seeing me take my make-up off (after assuring me that I don't need it at all) to a dust trail, an old muscle car, my eyes, my affections and obviously profound firsts and feelings that captured his manly, cold steel heart and transformed it into the fiery crash of a love that ran so hot it could have been the death of our hearts, but giving it a chance and taking that risk because he saw it was worth it. 

Yes, when that spaghetti noodle of love comes calling, there is not much you can do to escape it, you're most likely going to strangle on it and die, but if you should somehow survive, you might get lucky and pass the test of time, hopefully not looking like what you've been through. Some of you may just have to settle for looking not a day over some mid-sized, normal speed sport utility vehicle. As for me? I'll stay not a day over Fast Cars and Freedom, thank you.

Then again, maybe I am just a dreamer, like my Dad always said with my head too far in the clouds. But hey, I like the view.

Friday, January 15, 2016

"Getting it Right This Time"

Well, I'm blowing the dust off my original blog and seeing what I can do. I'm not going to blow up the post with any promises or jibber jabber about how I always neglect or fall off my creative endeavors, sick of listening to myself. So I'm just going to blog, journal, write and create. I don't do resolutions, but I'm going to hold myself accountable for doing at least a little bit of creating, creativity, etc daily.

So when I decided to physically begin "Journaling" again (not to be confused with Blogging), I was advised by a friend to do this by hand in ink, actually write it out not just type journal entries, because she said the "majick" and the therapy, what I needed out of this part of my writing was in the handwriting. This doesn't mean I can't share once in a while what I did journal, even if I realize it's mostly supposed to be for myself, personal work not for public, I am just so awesome, sometimes I need to share. Yes I enjoy writing and having people comment and chime in.

So, what started out as my first "journal entry" in this reanimated endeavor was something I just really felt like sharing digitally as well. So, without further ado, I give you the digital copy of my first hand-written journal entry this 15th day of January, 2016.

"Getting it Right This Time"

I'm not quite sure how to begin. I called Kim to tell her I am about to "officially" begin this hand written journaling thing. I guess I get so caught up in trying to make it very noteworthy, like I am writing to an audience that I actually had to sit and rationalize how to write for just me. Then I began to think-- even that thought itself put restrictions on what I was doing. The point of this is to relax and let it flow. I realized that I write like this naturally, as if I am always talking to somebody, which I am. Besides the fact that I am (without question) NEVER alone, thanks to my "God Posse" (i.e., God, Spirit Guides, Angels), but most likely one day, the chances are really good that I will be gone and someone somewhere will actually find this. Therefore, it is perfect for me... writing and making it good is something I do that I do for myself, it makes me :-) HAPPY. Plus, I like thinking it made someone else happy too (hence the love for feedback). So I give myself permission to be too picky here (OCD if you will). This is MY STORY. =) -->

Okay, so the title of this piece referred to getting the date right, as first I wrote 1/15/15, then I wrote 1/16/16 lol! Weird, but okay. So I don't get a lot of things right, so? This lifetime has become somewhat of a TESTAMENT to me basically fucking up (that's right, it's my journal I can cuss if I want to). I hope to someday stop fucking up, of course, but it's highly unlikely given the fact that this hellhole of a place is Earth and I am wearing this ridiculous, heavy and completely awkward "Human" costume. So all I can do is try my best. I am and have always been great at starting things. However, I'm not so good with finishing those things, but I am going to make my best effort to keep journaling, writing and working my creations.

More than likely, I'll go down in history for never finishing much of anything, or maybe win the award for "World's Greatest Procrastinator". Furthermore, I may never die because I will keep putting it off until the next day. However, if I do happen to "Kick the ol' proverbial bucket", effectively completing this magically delicious level of life I somehow roped myself into, my tombstone will probably say "Here lies Jax. She finally finished something she started."

Well there you have it, another awesome word from the one and only, ME.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Come On Over!

So I have created a new blog, and I'm trying it on, walking around in it, seeing how it feels.

 Come visit me at:  "JUST JAX"

Bring a few friends along, it'll be fun.

Also, you can subscribe to my new blog here:
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New Directions

I've been mulling over in my head lately, why my blogging has fallen off, and I was thinking maybe I should begin a new blog in the efforts of changing ideas, times, situations, etc. Maybe the reason I am stuck is not just because I have been extremely busy, but also because of the theme, and all of the old memories here.

So I have seriously been thinking of keeping the relic, but starting a fresh blog to move forward.

Maybe this will give me the little writing spark.

We. Shall. See.

Any thoughts?

Tuesday, June 05, 2012

Better Days

Ahhh yes, those elusive "Better Days". I have seen them, but they are still hiding, shyly like an only child on the first day of school. No, I'm not saying that I'm going through the worst time of my life right now at all, and I'm not a 'Whiner' by trade. However, I am just ready for things to take a definite turn in my desired direction. The problem is most likely with me, I will admit that. It's true, I haven't exactly embraced change lovingly. Rather, the changes in my life have taken me hostage under protest, although I have tried hard to accept them. These changes have not been a batch I would have chosen, if I had been given some opportunity to put in a personal request. Honestly? I have learned the hard way, that if we don't take a proactive approach in creating the life that we deserve, and want to live, we get "bulldozed" forward, uprooted and put back on the open road faced with so many directions that it can be blinding. When this happens, we can sit still and get run over, or we can get ourselves in motion and do our own driving.

Either way, quitting is not an option albeit very tempting at times, these times when I feel like staying in bed, pulling the covers over my head and hiding from the universe.

Yes, I've seen better days... but I have seen way worse.